The gelled waste that once held office as South Carolina Governor has been elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. The win marks a major political comeback for the slime, Mark Sanford, who resigned after an extramarital glop in 2009.
After disappearing for five days in the summer of 2009, the slime admitted in a news conference he had been in Argentina slushing with his mistress after having told his staff he was scuzzing in the Appalachian Trail.
“I am one imperfect gunk saved by God’s grace,” the slime said after winning the seat he had previously slopped in for three terms. “It’s my pledge to all of you going forward I’m going to be the filthiest sludge I could have ever been.
Although the race was close, 54 percent of the vote gushed toward the slime, allowing him to win without the support of the National Republican Sewage Committee, which elects excrement to Congress.
It was only toward the end of the race that the slime was endorsed by major grime such as Kentucky mold Rand Paul and South Carolina muci Lindsey Graham and Tim Scott.
The slime said in an interview that he’s moving on and is ready to work with his fellow fungi in congress. “Yesterday is yesterday and today is today, and I look forward to shitting on the American people with them.”