Posted in Politics

GlossyNews Announces 2012 Presidential Endorsement… Not Who You Think

In 2008 we endorsed then-senator Barack Obama, but apparently it is best form to consult with our staff before reaching such a weighty decision. For 2012 I requested an endorsement statement from all 127 of our writers, and the endorsements…

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Posted in Talky Pictures

Hollywood: Remade (Electric Boogaloo)

After years and years of poor Hollywood remakes the film capital of the world has decided that Hollywood, itself, needs a remake. Set for release in November 2015 the Hollywood remake will see star-studded town set in downtown Detroit, with…

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Posted in Politics

Romney Surging in Latest Poll of Comatose Unregistered Voters

In recent polls, President Obama continues to lead with several key demographic categories: women, blacks, Hispanics, gays, people under 25, people over 25, people who can do basic math, people who can identify Canada on a map, and people who…

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Posted in Politics

Romney to Sway Female Voters by Showing Compassion, Penis

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today unveiled his new plan to persuade female voters to back his bid for the White House by showing them two things that have thus far remained firmly hidden: his compassionate, caring side and his…

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Posted in Biz News

Company that “Downloads the Internet to Your Phone” Shuttered

Little known software maker, Webaroo, has recently shuttered its operations. The founders, pictured to the right, in the traditional robes of psychedelic priests, have reportedly spent all of the $7.5 million dollars of funding they received on obscure research chemicals,…

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Posted in Politics

Senator Joe Manchin has Existential Crisis after Reading Facebook Comment

Facebook vigilante, Bobby D. Foster’s has struck yet another Senator. The unprovoked Facebook comment reads as follows: Dear Senator Manchin, I just wanted to inform you that I am quite disappointed that your chin is not as manly as you…

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Posted in Politics Sports

NHL Lockout Takes Center Stage at Debate

Undecided voter Mervin Dodson of Hempstead, New York was sadly disappointed by his participation in Tuesday night’s Presidential debate. “Of course I was thrilled to be selected as one of the dozens of undecided voters to participate in the debate,”…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Mitt Romney Vows To Create Armageddon

GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that, if elected, he promises to fulfill the Bible’s promise of Armageddon and allow all faithful Mormon practitioners to achieve Rapture. “The time for Armageddon is nigh!” Romney stated to some of his…

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Posted in Travel

The People’s Republic of Uzupis Takes Political Independence to New Heights

THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF UZUPIS – In 1991 the people of Lithuania declared their independence from the Soviet Union. In 1997 the people of Uzupis, a district of Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, declared their independence from Lithuania and got…

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Posted in Politics

Senator Alexander’s Facebook Falls Victim to Mildly Harassing Comment

Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile. The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which warned against the dangers of the looming fiscal cliff. The following…

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Posted in Television

Shepard Smith to Leave FOX News Over Harassment?

Shepard Smith, long time Fox News Anchor and deeply closeted homosexual, announced today that he will be leaving the Republican broadcasting network at the end of his current contract. Sometimes considered the only voice of reason on the network, his…

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Posted in Education

Student Cramming in Some Last Minute Procrastination

MUNCIE, IN – Ahead of his first midterm exam Monday, Ball State University English major, Ross O’Keefe, was hard at work Sunday cramming in some much-needed and last minute procrastination. Equipping himself with the tools required to compose a detailed…

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Posted in Television

Stephanie from LazyTown Arrested for Prostitution?

Julianna Rose Mauriello, the actress best known for her bubbly portrayal as Stephanie on the erstwhile children’s program LazyTown was picked up at 2:36am Tuesday morning on the charge of “trespassing with criminal intent” in Virginia. READ ALSO: • Julianna…

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Posted in Entertainment

Michael Jackson’s Updated Autopsy Results Released

Los Angeles, CA – (SatireWorld.com) Dr. Rami Gushinari finally released to the public the official 25 page LA Coroner’s report on Michael Jackson. The ‘King of Pop’ died from a drug overdose and was laid to rest in Woodlawn Cemetery…

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Posted in Health Human Interest

“Roof of My Mouth Feels Pruny” Says Man on Mushrooms

William Bergerson, a 22-year-old student at the University of Michigan, recently told this Glossy News reporter that the roof of his mouth “totally feels pruny.” He was tripping on mushrooms at the time, but insisted that had nothing to do…

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Posted in Politics

Frustrated Voter Questions Paul Ryan’s Birth

Frustrated voter Dixon Notch of Plainville, Ohio has raised a complaint about Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan. “I’ve got a problem with Mitt Romney’s pick of Paul Ryan,” said Notch. “It’s not Ryan’s right-wing conservative views on things like abortion…

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Posted in Politics

“We Can’t Allow the People to Steal This Election”

The right of money to decide elections is being tested in Richmond, California (pop. 105,000), a suburb of San Francisco and Oakland. In a clear rebuke to American-style democracy, millions of dollars from huge corporations may prove inadequate to win…

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Posted in Politics

Senator Rubio’s Facebook Falls Victim to Mildly Harassing Comment

Freshman U.S. Senator Marco Rubio has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile. The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which claimed, “Rubio slams Obama, Biden on economy.” The following is…

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Posted in Kidz Zone Television

Big Bird Found Dead, Romney Questioned

The Muppets character Big Bird was found dead today in his duplex cage on New York City’s Upper East Side. New York City police have not announced a cause of death, but according to anonymous insiders, the 43-year old television…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Science & Technologizzy

E-Z Home Water Boarding Kit a Favorite w/ Parents This Season

Dallas, TX – (SatireWorld.com) The amazing E-Z Home Waterboarding Kit has broken all sales records as parents across the US snapped up a kit for their personal use at home. Children and teens everywhere are now easily spilling the beans…

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Posted in Biz News

Pioneering Restaurant “Leftovers” Offers Low Prices, Leftovers

A new restaurant chain called Leftovers recently opened in downtown San Jose, California. Imagine going to your favorite deli and getting a sandwich with a big bite mark it in; most customers would be confused or infuriated, but not at…

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Posted in Television

Sad, Non-Swing States Desperate for Campaign Funds

With an estimated $2billion in campaign cash being spent around the country, economies are suffering in non-swing states. Marketers from the nation’s bluest and reddest states are making fevered pitches with just weeks to go until election day, and some…

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Posted in Crime World News

Hacker McKinnon Facing Extradition to Jabba the Hutt’s Planet

British computer hacker Gary McKinnon, whose extradition to the US was blocked on humanitarian grounds by UK Home Secretary Theresa May today, now faces a prospect nearly as terrifying: being sent for punishment on the alien planet of Tatooine. McKinnon…

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Posted in Education

Family Research Council: Maryland Lawyers, Prepare for Divorce Workload

In an email sent to several law firms in Maryland, the Family Research Council (FRC) advised that should the marriage equality referendum pass on November 6th, they will be overrun with requests for divorce from currently married men. This warning…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Newspapers Decline as Baked Beans Continue to Boom

New figures show the continuing decline of print newspaper circulation all over the world. Circulation is down a further 15% from last year’s figures, meaning that fewer people are buying a newspaper. Professor John McDonald, department head of the scientific…

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