Month: October 2012
‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ Creates Stress For Romney Campaigners
There was great tension at the Republican Campaign Headquarters that morning as the worker bees entered their office in D.C. As with every campaign, unexpected situations come up. “’He Who Shall Not Be Named’” wants to endorse Romney.” stated Mitch…
Bargis Tryhol Presidential Election Battle Successful on 50 State Ballots
Miami, Florida- Newbie Presidential candidate Bargis Tryhol, who narrowly missed his 2008 presidential qualification window, is now on every state’s Presidential Ballot and is running as a ‘Do Your Own Thing’ candidate. Tryhol announced today that he has created his…
Bus Ad Tells Congress: Don’t Support Hamas
The Los Angeles-based Israel advocacy group Stand With Us has begun running bus advertisements in San Francisco asking the U.S. Congress not to support the Palestinian resistance group Hamas. According to spokesperson Dr. Macho Harass, the level of Congressional support…
GlossyNews Staff Shocked By Layoff Notices
In a surprising development this morning layoff notices were delivered to the 45 employees of the company who work in the print division. This was an unexpected move coming so close on the heels of the recent tenth anniversary. Locked…
Yes Virginia, We’ll Protect Your Vagina
Planned Parenthood today issued a public announcement that they were no longer taking the continued attacks on their services lying down. In a coordinated effort with several law groups, a new service being offered is to legally incorporate your uterus….
Cat Subconsciously Putting Own Sensibilities Onto Humans
INDIANAPOLIS – Having carried out little research into the species in question, 2-year-old Indianapolis cat, Mickey, continues to subconsciously put his own sensibilities onto humans – specifically his 29-year-old owner Matt. Incorrectly determining that his overlord probably enjoys the sight…
Richard Murdock’s Senate Campaign in Disarray As God Comes Out Pro Choice
INDIANAPOLIS – The senate campaign of Indiana’s leading Republican candidate, Richard Mourdock, is reportedly in disarray Tuesday after the Almighty Father in Heaven identified himself as pro-choice. God’s stance on the issue of abortion comes as a particular blow to…
Speaker Boehner Declares War On Women Over, Proposes Removal Of All Rights
In a move that is considered very ballsy for a man who cries every time someone mentions a bar, Congressional Speaker of the House John Boehner declared today that he was officially submitting legislation that would end the so called…
I, Rfreed, Hereby Announce My Candidacy For Dictator Of The United States
I, rfreed, hereby announce my candidacy for Dictator of the United States of America. I realize that this is a little late in the campaign season to be announcing this, but dictators don’t worry about such things. We know that…
Ageing Jimmy Carter Accidentally Endorses Mitt Romney for President
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a televised address before the press corps Saturday, ageing former Democratic president Jimmy Carter accidentally endorsed Mitt Romney for the presidency, insisting: “Romney is a progressive thinker and he’s gonna do a whole bunch of good…