Miami, Florida- Newbie Presidential candidate Bargis Tryhol, who narrowly missed his 2008 presidential qualification window, is now on every state’s Presidential Ballot and is running as a ‘Do Your Own Thing’ candidate.
Tryhol announced today that he has created his first piece of Presidential legislation in hopes of curbing the spiraling US debt. Tryhol, if successful in his run for President, hopes to place the bill before the Senate Leaders some time after inaguruation day.
PHOTO INSERT: Tryhol was a first runner-up in the World’s Most Interesting Man contest. Losing out to Fernado Monte Verde in 2011. Tryhol promises peach, love, and a pot in every chicken…Or something like that.
The proposed legislation would authorize Congress to set up an International Lottery. The lottery would be a global effort and any person, any where could enter. Every US embassy, consulate, and foreign office would become a retail outlet for people to purchase the lottery tickets. Each ticket will only cost $1.00 (US). There are no restrictions and any person on Earth can purchase as many tickets as they want.
According to Tryhol, “We have all these really cool national assets sitting around doing pretty much nothing and most just cost us additional overhead to keep them in operation. I say, let’s use them and make some real money!”
The lucky winners will receive various prizes and will be awarded immediately following the drawing on July 4th of each year. Recipients do not have to be present to be eligible, and non-resident winners will be flown-in to the US and issued a temporary visa in order to receive their prizes.
The first prize winner will be crowned Czar of the United States (a ceremonial position only, but a prestigious one nonetheless). The term is for one year. The winner will officiate at major sports events, NASCAR races, and at the UN as a special representative. In addition he/she will receive the exclusive use of a (drug confiscated) mansion, a fleet of limousines, a yacht, a private jet airplane, guards, servants to use while serving in this position, plus $100 million dollars tax free.
The winner will be commissioned as a top-ranked US Navy Admiral for a week and command a United States carrier battle fleet. The winner may go anywhere they desire. As a special treat, the winner will get to launch a small, nuclear tipped missile at a select group of South Pacific islands, abandoned of course. The lucky winner will receive $25 million tax-free dollars and free radiation tests for life.
Plus, the government will tell the winner one (1) state secret. You know, like who really killed John Kennedy or the truth about UFO’s and the current whereabouts of Elvis.
A ride on the Air Force’s version of the Space Shuttle and a one week stay at the space station. And a get-real-lucky date with either Justin Beiber or Taylor Swift depending on the winner’s sexual preference. Two premium tickets to the next Super Bowl, a Mercedes Benz S-900, and $10 million dollars. Plus, a personally guided hunting trip with Dick Cheney (refusal to take this trip requires winner to opt out of entire prize.)
The winner gets to repeal one law (Tryhol suggests repealing gravity,) will star in a first-rate Hollywood movie, receives a pair of Homeland Security X-ray vision glasses, a full-sized genuine Zepellin to ride around in, free HBO for a year, and $5 million dollars. Plus, an intimate dinner with Rosie O’Donnell at her New York City apartment.
The winner will get a 10% share in the ownership of Glossy News, a dinner date with Al Gore, free drugs of your choice for a year, a brand new Toyota Prius, a total make over by one of Hollywood’s greatest make-up artists, a brand new wardrobe from Dollar General, and $5 million dollars worth of Carbon Credits.
Lottery tickets will go on sale late January, 2013.
The following text was not approved of, nor read by, candidate Tryhol.
Editor’s Notes: We have not fact-checked this story, as attempts to do so have thus far proved completely impossible. We do know that above-ground nuclear detonations were banned in 1996, but since the treaty hasn’t yet gone fully into effect, I guess there’s still some wiggle room. The last Space Shuttle mission will be flown before the first ticket is sold, so a substitution may occur. Lastly, I did not authorize partial ownership release in the site, nor a date, but if doing so is my duty as a patriotic American, and it results in dramatic reduction in the national debt, it would be an act of treason for me to decline.
I would suggest, however, that simply offering US citizenship as a prize might be more effective in terms of cost and appeal anyhow. Isn’t that like winning the lottery?