Tag Archive | "republicans"

Nation’s Satirists Stumped by “Don’t Say Gay” Bill


NEW YORK, NY—Comedians and “Fake News” Correspondents across the nation have been unable to produce any suitable material to satirize Tennessee’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill that advanced in the state’s Senate last month.

“It’s like they created the bill just to f**k with us,” one editor from The Onion told reporters, “I mean, we can’t think of anything more absurd than the proposed law itself. Read the full story

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State Sues for Intellectual Infringement in One Mississippi, Two Mississippi…


Jackson, MS- GlossyNews.com -Governor Haley Barbour of Mississippi announced today that the State of Mississippi now claims all rights to the use of “Mississippi” between any number while counting out loud.

In today’s press conference, the four-term governor said that the new copyright is not limited to “One Mississippi, Two Mississippi,” and so forth, but will include all integers as well as fractions. Read the full story

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GOP Considers Rebranding as “Social Tea Party”


Des Moines, IA —GLOSSY NEWS With 2011 barely into its 4th month, House Tea Party Caucus leader Michele Bachmann whipped her Iowa audience into a frenzy over light bulbs, gay marriage and abortion with her stump “Social Conservatism is Physical Conservatism” keynote address.

She finished by advocating giving the GOP a new name and then said it must become the Social Tea Party. The name change was unanimously ratified by the 130 Iowans who paid to attend, thus trashing forever the old time party names, Republican and GOP. Read the full story

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New Obama Program Pays You to Burn Down Your House


Asheville, North Carolina (GlossyNews) — The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

In his latest bid to pump up the economy before the 2012 election, President Obama introduced a new program, “Bucks for Burn Downs,” that will pay financially troubled homeowners to burn down their own homes. Read the full story

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McCain To Run For President in 2044


Burning Candles, Arizona (GlossyNews) — The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

Former GOP presidential candidate John McCain will launch another bid for the White House in 2044, and is “firmly committed to running a vigorous, full-steam ahead” campaign. Read the full story

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Dick Cheney’s Heart Transplant Not Going Exactly As Expected


Surgeons have had great difficulty with fitting former President of Vice Dick Cheney (aka- ‘Tricky Dicky the Second’) with a transplanted heart. Each attempt to put a foreign heart into the open breast of Mr. Cheney has resulted in rejection- not Mr. Cheney’s body rejecting the heart but rather in a show of patriotic, defiant, graft versus host disease sort of way, the heart is rejecting Mr. Cheney. Read the full story

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Steps to Remedy Sophomoric Behavior Expected at SOTU Address


Whoever came up with the term “date night” to describe the seating arrangements anticipated at the President’s State of the Union Address on Tuesday night has a good handle on just how juvenile the behavior of some of our lawmakers has become. When it comes down to actually having to physically require Democrats to sit with Republicans and vice versa to give the appearance of bi-partisanship, we are in deep, deep trouble. Read the full story

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Right Wingers Develop Wild West Show, Cirque du Sarah Style


In an effort to restore their public image after the shooting in Arizona and its aftermath, the Republican National Committee has put forth a proposal to produce a touring Wild West Show, starring leaders of the new conservative movement.

Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, and Rush Limbaugh have already signed on, with many more right-wing pundits and politicos expected to follow their lead. The tour is being funded by the Koch brothers and sponsored by Wal-Mart, the NRA, and Premiere Radio Networks. Toby Keith and Ted Nugent will headline the musical acts. Read the full story

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John McCain Apologizes to Republicans for Giving Props to Obama


John McCain claims “Like many Americans, I got caught up in the moment when I wrote that op-ed in the Washington Post.”

He told fellow Republicans, “Believe me, it will never happen again.”

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2011 Tall Tale Congressional Cocktail


Just in time for New Years festivities, try to see if you can stomach this tasty treat from the hill.

1 Tea Bag with string
2-3 minutes of warm John of Orange tears
2 jiggers VS cognac
1 dash bitter Rand
Cracked Cantor ice
club soda
Garnishes: twist of Pence; l’eye of Newt.

In a cocktail shaker, muddle a Tea Bag in 2 oz of warm John of Orange tears, add 2 jiggers of cognac, stir in a dash of Rand for bitter balance. Add cracked Cantor ice & shake till blue. Pour into a high ball glass, top with club soda. Garnish with a Pence twist & a sleezy l’eye of Newt.

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Time’s POTY 2010


SILICON VALLEY — Facebook, the third largest country on planet earth, eclipsed a sizeable number of groups and became TIME‘s Person of the Year–2010.

Well, ok, ok —the site didn’t technically win, but its owner, Zuckerberg did win. And that gives the world’s newly honored ‘F’ word its 800# gorilla world status. Or whatever the 600+ million person equivalent weight of this gorilla is. Read the full story

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111th Congress Declares Bankruptcy, Asks For A Bailout


The 111th Congress of what is supposedly the richest and most powerful country in the world, the United States of America, has declared bankruptcy. Following years of self inflicted, major party apartheid, selling out to corporate and higher class interests and general diddle-daddling about issues that should have been taken care of decades ago, the Federal body known as Congress has run through its allotted funding and declared Chapter 7 filing. Our greatest legislative entity has been declared indigent and will soon be foreclosed upon. Read the full story

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Poli-Soup; The Cure For “All” Your “Ills”


The miracles of our modern world never cease! Claims are now being made by many pundits that their particular variety of political soup recipe is sure to find a cure for whatever ails you. To concoct your own cure, first assemble the following ingredients you will need should you not have them already in your kitchen: Read the full story

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Fox Follows MSBN’s Lead- Suspends Entire Staff Over Campaign Donations


Except in this case, a bit of a surprise, it was actually the Republicans politicians making donations to the reporters.

Suspensions are reportedly with pay and can be taken any time over the coming 180-days, or cashed out like traditional flex-pay.

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Republicans Earn Oscar Nod for ‘Best Act Put On By A Political Organization’


The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences Committee has nominated the Republican Party for a special judges Oscar this year, ‘Best Act Put On By A Political Organization.’

Mrs. Tallulah Bankaccount, head of the board overseeing nominations, stated “The Republican Party has for decades put on a show of pretending to be in harmony with the interests of democracy while actually gutting all rules of checks and balances and concentrating power towards their interests. They have also taken upon themselves an incredible aura of religiosity while actually harboring some of the worst conniving hypocrites around. Read the full story

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GOP Announces “No Millionaire Left Behind” Tax Reform


PARK PLACE HOTEL, NY (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. In the latest Congressional wrangling over tax policy, Republicans proposed sweeping new reforms, dubbed “No Millionaire Left Behind,” that would permanently slash taxes for the wealthiest Americans.

“The American people would rather starve than see our most successful citizens hit by higher taxes,’” said GOP House leader John Boehner. “And my proposal takes an important step in that direction.” Read the full story

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