Tag Archive | "republicans"

Republicans Praised for Reducing Stigma for Psychopaths

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.–The National Institute of Mental Health congratulated the Republican Party for helping to accustom Americans to those with mental illness, by elevating obvious psychopaths to positions of high office.

Doctor Fernando Lamas, chairman of the Institute, said at a press conference that Republican voters have done the United States “a great service, showing more so-called progressive Americans that those with antisocial disorders–who are typically demonized in popular horror films–can be entrusted with political power as long as we shirk our civic duties and learn to keep lowering our standards for acceptable public behaviour.”

According to Dr. Lamas, the Republican Party began this initiative in the 1980s when Republicans found that they could concoct excuses for Ronald Reagan’s declining health, which he suffered due to an onset of Alzheimer’s. Prior to that, Republicans were embarrassed when President Nixon’s megalomania was unveiled by the Watergate scandal.

“But their reverence for the mentally ill really ramped up,” said Dr. Lamas, “when Republicans managed to keep a straight face as they elected George W. Bush as president. Perhaps inadvertently at first, but surely with a charitable intention thereafter, Republicans worked tirelessly to teach mentally healthy citizens not to ignore the deranged, as George Bush Jr.’s cornucopia of follies left the whole world dumbfounded.”

By excusing Bush’s daily embarrassments and epic fiascos, Republicans brought mental disorder out of the shadows. Dr. Lamas compared this Republican initiative to gay rights advocacy: “both Republicans and homosexuals flaunt their peculiarities, whether on the national political stage or in Gay Pride parades, forcing everyone else to become inured to that which they might once have loathed.

“After Bush there was Sarah Palin, John McCain’s vice presidential nominee. With her bizarre turns of phrase, her unabashed ignorance on all relevant matters, her clueless mix of Christianity, family values, and sociopathic Republican boilerplate, she took hysterical mean-spiritedness to a higher level.

“But it’s that party’s fearlessness in spotlighting such palpably-malignant personalities,” continued Dr. Lamas, “as though they could be entrusted with vast political power, that’s done wonders in removing the stigma from mental illness.” Republicans have been particularly generous with sociopaths, not just by thrusting them into mainstream discourse, but by “coaching them to be evermore lax in disguising their inhuman lack of empathy.”

“Sociopathy, an extreme form of Antisocial Personality Disorder, is a mainstay of the political world,” said Gwendolyn Bianca, political scientist at Fancypants University, who also spoke at the press conference. Bianca argued that since it’s axiomatic that power eventually corrupts even the most moral of individuals, we can expect that a disproportionate number of politicians (as well as businesspeople and other wealthy or powerful persons) lack the capacity to feel complex emotions.

“Conscience is a luxury they can’t afford,” said Bianca, “because a politician’s duty demands that he or she sacrifice others for the greater good, a burden that would be intolerable to anyone with some moral sense.”

Dr. Lamas said that because Donald Trump, the 2016 Republican presidential nominee, has “given the game away, displaying no trace of shame or compassion, all Americans owe the Republican Party a debt of gratitude for its service to the mentally ill.”

Bianca added that “whereas Democratic leaders have opted for the traditional approach of hiding their elitist contempt for humanity behind feel-good messages and empty socialist promises, psychopathic Republicans have refused to sit at the back of the bus. Unlike Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton, whose antisocial personalities were formed when they were indoctrinated into the neoliberal technocracy and who thus mistake loss of conscience for exceptional rationality, Republican lunatics have shown no deference to the public’s prejudice against human predators.

“Republican elites wear their insanity on their sleeve, whereas Democratic politicians pretend to care about the little people. And bless the American voters for their bottomless tolerance for the absurd! Thanks to that recklessness, mental health issues have come to the fore, which has flooded mental health clinics across the nation with much-needed donations.”

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Republicans Vanish in Puffs of Smoke when called Evil

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats are rejoicing after the Republican population has shrunk by nearly two thirds because its opponents have discovered a technique for making the conservatives literally disappear.

Hugh Bloomfeld, the technique’s originator, recalls his Eureka moment. “My right-wing sister dragged me to a Donald Trump speech,” he said, “and I remember hearing all this xenophobia and crass jingoism. Trump was demagoguing and pandering like a politician’s supposed to, but he was doing much worse than that.”

After the event, Bloomfeld went home and pondered what Trump and his supporters were saying. “Trump was, like, calling himself the best and hating on everyone else: everyone who wasn’t like him. And he wasn’t just hating with words. He was promising to annihilate everyone else, to crush and ruin them. Then it dawned on me. I thought, ‘Isn’t that just plain…evil?’”

Over Christmas dinner, Bloomfeld sat across from his conservative sister who was doomed to be the first victim of this revolutionary new weapon in the American culture war. “She was spouting the most awful bigotry,” Bloomfeld recalled, though tears. “She was blind to America’s many faults, heaping demonizations onto everyone else. It was so childishly narrow-minded, so nakedly callous and coarse and maniacal and egotistical and greedy and boorish and unfair and malicious and troglodytic and repulsive and inveterate and deranged and bellicose and obscene and hateful and cold-blooded and arrogant and narcissistic and immoral—I just broke down and said, ‘Stop it, Sally! You’re being evil.’”

Instantly, Sally Bloomfeld disappeared in a puff of smoke. “I couldn’t believe it at first,” said Hugh. “I thought it was some kind of twisted magic trick. But she was gone—just gone, like Rumpelstiltskin.”

News spread of Bloomfeld’s accidental discovery. While Bloomfeld hadn’t intended to send his hapless sister to some netherworld by calling her by her true name, liberals were quick to apply the technique in earnest. Entire Trump, Cruz, and other Tea Party rallies disappeared in billowing clouds of smoke, having been surrounded by liberals shouting “You’re evil!’ into megaphones.

Claire Feminista attended one such anti-Republican incursion. “Some libertarian crackpot was on the stage,” she reminisced. “Some social Darwinian who was saying the sick and the poor should be left to die because that’s what ‘The Market’ wants. And the Tea Partiers were cheering like they were drunk on rage. We closed in with our megaphones. One by one the offenders disappeared into thin air. You couldn’t see them through the fog. Some of the evil ones tried to flee, but we hunted them down with our megaphones and applied the bald truth to their faces. They vanished too. We left none unidentified.”

Mengyao Zyu, physicist at Caltech, led a team of researchers to study the phenomenon. Describing his experiment, Zyu said, “We wanted to see whether the Republicans are somehow transformed into smoke or the smoke merely signals that they’d been teleported somewhere by the utterance of the magic word.”

Zyu’s team lured Fox-watching Republicans to his laboratory by offering them memorabilia signed by their favourite right-wing demagogue. “They came in droves,” he said. “We called them evil and at first nothing happened. My colleague, Marcus Wannabanger, noticed that the Republicans were fixated on the memorabilia. He asked one of the test subjects, an old blue collar fellow, to look him in the eyes for a moment. ‘Did you know that you’re flat-out evil?’ he asked him. And the old man vanished on the spot. So we determined that if you want them to disappear, you have to look them in the eyes when you call them what they are.

“The smoke itself is mysterious,” he continued. “It issues forth in prodigious quantities. We had to clear the building after a mass truth-telling. We had a hundred subjects in there clamoring for Fiorina T-shirts, Sean Hannity pens, and George W. Bush mugs. We asked them to look at us and then we pointed out that their beliefs make them crazy evil. We were choking in the fog left by their departure from this plane of existence.”

The researchers went on to discover that because the abundant smoke nevertheless possesses less mass than the Republicans, the law of the conservation of mass dictates that the individuals aren’t turned into the smoke. “We don’t know where they go,” Zyu concedes. “What we do know is that many people are just glad they’re no longer here.”

When Republicans first learned of their vulnerability, many refused to believe it. Conservative pundits continued to appear on CNN and Fox News, defying their liberal counterparts to call them evil and maintaining that the rumor of their liability to be whisked away in such a fashion is a socialist conspiracy. Each of the true believers was never seen again. Curiously, Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck were impervious to the truth-telling. Eventually, they admitted they had been acting as performers all along and had been “in it just to sell books,” as O’Reilly put it.

Donald Trump’s departure was an epic event. “My polls are higher than ever before,” he boasted at his last rally. “I apologize for nothing!”

“Yeah, that’s because you’re a straight-up evil clown,” shouted Todd Donahue, a Democrat who had sneaked into the rally. Mr. Trump vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving behind his peculiar hair on the stage. Trump’s buildings themselves also disappeared, leaving gaping holes in the New York cityscape. One architect responded, “Glad they’re gone. They were monstrosities too.”

According to political scientists, the hardcore Republicans were incapable of surviving the intervention precisely because they were what people were finally saying they were. “They can’t apologize or change their ways,” said one. “They’re too macho and their pride’s on the line. They couldn’t see the truth for themselves because they lived in the Fox News bubble. They hated everyone but themselves, they couldn’t empathize, so they couldn’t even pick up a book written by someone with an opposite viewpoint.”

Bewildered by the loss of their conservative heroes, some Republicans went on rampages, shooting up liberal areas of the country before police could bring their new weapon to bear. The officers merely applied the E-word and saved their bullets as well as the city the cost of imprisoning those who were evidently evil.

Other Republicans opted for a more underhanded stratagem, pretending to have converted to the more modern, liberal perspective. Frank Tankman, a lifelong conservative, piled his collection of firearms onto his lawn and dynamited them. “See?” he shouted to liberal onlookers. “I don’t love guns anymore. I love people. Give me a baby to hold! Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. I love everyone equally. I’m one of you liberal do-gooders now.”

A child, Sarah Toddle, was the first to spy the machinegun tucked beneath his shirt. Sarah’s mother reported that her daughter tugged on her dress, pointed to the concealed gun and asked, “Is he still evil, mommy?”

“Only one way to find out,” Mrs. Toddle answered.

Asked why he was still carrying the flashy, over-killing firearm, Mr. Tankman answered, “Just for squirrels and varmints and such.” The crowd challenged him, accusing him of belonging to the same sort of death cult as the jihadist terrorists. “I don’t love death and destruction,” he hollered. “Well, maybe when the End Times come it will be pretty sweet. I mean, it will be just like in the movies: cities on fire, the godless masses on their knees, ravaged by demons.”

When Mr. Tankman began drooling in anticipation, Mrs. Toddle nodded at Sarah and encouraged her to call the man by his true name. “You’re an evil scallywag,” said Sarah to his face, drawing the appellation from her favourite picture book. Frank Tankman dematerialized, the smoke settling like fog in the twilight.

Democrats now easily win their elections in what remains a two-party system, but there are indications that the millions of eligible Americans who don’t vote expect the unrivalled Democrats to succumb to the temptation of forming a tyranny. “When that happens,” says one who is religious in his nonvoting, “we’ll be ready with the truth-telling E-word.”

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Jeb Bush: I’m Not ‘White!’ Just a Regular Guy! (2/2)

The old story continues:


Uh-uh-uhhh! I am Jeb Bush, and I’m not white.

Forget it! I’m just a standard-issue regular guy, like every one of you. Read the full story

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GOP God Caucus ‘Patti Smith Cover’ Proves Riot Grrrl Credentials

The GOP’s God Caucus, not to be confused with the voluminous and highly visible, achingly secular GOP majority (about 99% or so!), are keen to prove their feminist credentials once more.

Still, up to now, all their other highly conspicuous social reachouts (let alone their highly non-conspicuous socialist reacharounds!) have been abject failures, so hey…

What’s the worst that can happen?

But unfortunately, Mike Huckabee isn’t participating in the GOP cover version of Patti Smith’s Gloria.

Still, to give all due credit (such as such credit may be), he does think the lyrics are a little provocative and inflammatory, and he doesn’t believe in unnecessarily stirring the s*** in order to cause needless offense.

… As (not-so-non!-)recent events have undoubtedly proven once more!


Jesus judges all your sins but not mine

Socialists are all thieves

Shameless widow tuggin’ at our godly ol’ sleeves

Rebuking with a face like stone

Your selves are my own

You belong to me…


Read the full story

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Rick Perry: Final Republican President, New Johnny Cash! (2/2)

Last time:

Ok, so we’ve had the first Black President and the final Democratic President in one go. But our nation has never really had a final Republican President, maybe that’s what we’re missing?


How long do people have to wait? I’m not ashamed to say this is my idea…


Still, you don’t have to have an electric deckchair in your back garden, a taste for shooting innovative cinematic productions, or indeed a love of gunning the hell out of noisy ducks and whiny foxes and… Read the full story

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Rick Perry: Final Republican President, New Johnny Cash! (1/2)

Although Rick Perry is not currently in power, some maliciously devious Vast Left-Wing Conspirators™ have unearthed a scandalous document which (they claim) could put paid to Rick Perry’s hopes of running for President.

The text in question threatens to derail not only Perry’s political career, but in addition, promises to ruin any hope of a legendary US President being elected in 2016…

Insofar as these two are possibilities are actually mutually distinguishable, of course.

It looks like the other main GOP candidates are turning on Rick Perry, and attempting to smear and discredit him. Talk about about a Vast Beltway-Mainstream Conspiracy™, huh?! Read the full story

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Trump Slams Romney’s Pretentious ‘Business People’ Book (2/2)

Last time:


Not least because they can risk utterly destroying the personal reputation, or worse still, the business reputation of the person undertaking the purported hostile takeover in question.

In fact, that’s pretty much the only problem.

But it’s still a biggie.

Kind of.

Well, from a particular point of view, I guess. Read the full story

Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, PoliticsComments (0)

Republicans Start Hauling Out and Dusting Off Their Borg-like Candidates.

The 2016 Presidential Election is starting out with snail like excitement and colorful shades of gray-toned vibrancy.

The Republican Party is beginning to wheel out their musty Presidential hopefuls for the public to gawk at. What is not let out into the community eye is that each and every one of them is a surgically altered Borg. Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Admits He’s a ‘Douche-bag’

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney dropped out of the Presidential race yesterday stating that he was not qualified for the job.

“I’m a douche-bag”, Romney. “I don’t know what’s going on with the American people. You don’t want a loser like me for president”.

Romney admitted that his comfortable, wealthy lifestyle and wanton disregard for the poor and underprivileged have made him a poor candidate for the nations highest post.

“I admit I would be a pretty good commander in chief though”, Romney continued. “I wouldn’t mind sending young men into war or wantonly killing scores of innocent people. That would actually give me a tickle”.

Many other Republicans expressed relief that Romney has dropped out of the race. Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee said in reference to Romney, “he’s not God fearing enough. He’d lead us into war but I doubt he would push the nuclear trigger! That’s what I’ll do when I’m president. In the name of God and country!”

New Jersey governor Chris Christie claims he just doesn’t like Romney. “He’s a f(ricking) loser! At least now he’s admitting he’s a douche bag! Not like me! I’m a fat, obnoxious regular American! Like all of you!”

Most people interviewed agreed that Romney would suck as president and they would not vote for him. But they expressed the same sentiments for all the republican candidates. And democrats.

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Certain ‘Forces’ Send In THE CHENEY To Take Care Of Lame Duck Government.

Eager to take over the U.S. government as swiftly as possible after winning major seats in the Senate and Legislature, ‘certain forces’ within our system have called on a specialist to rid the organization of its ‘lame duck’ elements.

Operating in secrecy, these individuals called in their ace in the sleeve for when things need to get messy- THE CHENEY. Read the full story

Posted in Politics, Strange PeopleComments (4)

Obama Apologizes For Post-election Hubris

Barack Obama has reportedly done a complete about face. Having encountered widespread criticism for the tough stance he took in his post-electoral press conference, the President has decided to take a more conciliatory approach with his Republican opponents.

“I’m really sorry about last Wednesday,” said Obama.

“The fact of the matter is I inadvertently switched speech texts and mistakenly brought along part of one about dealing with terrorists to the press conference.” Read the full story

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Republicans Have Saul-like Epiphany Day After Winning Mid-term Elections

The day after winning a vital mid-term election that would give them a much stronger control of the U.S. Government, the Republican Party has apparently experienced an epiphany on the majesty of that which affected Saul on his Biblical quest to persecute the Jews.

Only in the example of the Republicans it will prevent them from smiting the Democrats. Read the full story

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It Turns Out That Everything Is Obama’s Fault

It seems as if Barack Obama is getting blamed for everything. The Republicans are blaming him for every foreign hotspot including Iraq, Ukraine and Israel.

Every domestic problem also seems to be the President’s doing, so much so that the Republicans led by Speaker of the House John Boehner even launched a lawsuit against him.

At first, I thought all this was overkill. After all, how can one man be responsible for so many things going wrong? But then it occurred to me: the Republicans are on to something good here. It’s kind of like the dog-ate-my-homework all-purpose excuse – Obama did it. Read the full story

Posted in Education, PoliticsComments (5)

Recount On Already Controversial Presidential Election Because Of Illegal Zombie Votes

A recount has been demanded on the already scandalous Bush/Gore 2000 Presidential election by Democrats because it has been discovered that illegal zombies have been allowed to vote.

Apparently in their over-exuberance to get people out to vote Republican campaigners accidentally (or, perhaps intentionally as the Left insists) signed up the living dead.

Being dead, zombies, as with most dead, can not legally vote. Also it is difficult to distinguish many Republicans from the dead to begin with. Read the full story

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Scoop!- Glossy Acquires Titles Of Future Ann Coulter Books

Ann Coulter, that famous extreme right wing author and the wicked witch of the North East That Baum didn’t write so much about in his Oz books is forever coming out with new literary tirades against those who, unlike herself, are not raised in families where you are constantly batted over the head with conservative ideals.

She believes that everyone should be like herself: demeaning, mean spirited, acid blooded, pale and fascist. Her main claim to fortune is the ability to every year or so come out with another book warning the world of how there are liberals around much like bedbugs in your mattress out to suck every drop of blood in your veins until you are a withered, dried up corpse, much like Ms. Coulter herself. Read the full story

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Arizona State Legisislature Votes To Change State Motto, Slogan

Giddy with the joy of Christ at successfully legalizing state sponsored endorsement of dark age phobias and insanities the Arizona State Legislature voted to to change the State slogan and motto along with other state designations and affiliations. Read the full story

Posted in Politics, ReligionismComments (20)

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