Tag Archive | "joe biden"

Glossy News Classics VI. rfreed’s President Obama Stars in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ (2/3)


Last time:

“Why did you do such a damn fool thing?” asked Obama.

“Because, I am your guardian angel,” answered the man.

“What? Now I’ve heard everything!” retorted the President.

“Well, I am here trying to earn my wings by helping you.”

“I’ve had enough for one night! I wish I had never come out here. I wish I had never become President. God, I wish I had never been born!” he stated in exasperation.

“Your wish is my command!” and the little man closed his eyes and blinked in I Dream Of Jeanie fashion.

The story continues: Read the full story

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Obama No Longer First US Black President


Obama is no longer the first black president as he turned albino white today during his latest CIA briefing.

Apparently the ‘men in black’ have been hiding some of the more disturbing secrets of the nation from the man who should really know them. Now he does and it ain’t apparently purty…

After discovering how things really are beneath the surface in Washington and on the world scene, President Obama turned white right down to his hair, much the same as did Senator McCain when he was held prisoner by the North Vietnamese. Read the full story

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Best Costumes of White House Halloween Ball Announced


The Reuters News Service has published the results of the voting on who (and what) wore the best costumes to the 2013 Halloween Ball at the White House.

A hearty congratulations to all those who received a mention and a silver crucifix to Dick Cheney in the hope that he won’t be disturbing us in our dreams anymore.

RIGHT: A confident Donald Trump, in costume, gives a thumbs-up to photographers at the White House Halloween bash.(Graphics appear courtesy of M. J. Carlucci.) CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE. Read the full story

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Glossy Staff Admits Butt-Hurt After Reaming by NRA Riled Redneck Brigade


The staff of Glossy news is busy licking their wounds today after a fierce word-lashing by a number of drive-by commentator fan(atic)s of the NRA. While a few commenters stand out in the article, the sum of their words was what really drew us to introspection.

John Woodie (we suspect this is an alias either to impress the ladies or because he works in the porn industry) laid the heavy gauge verbal ammo on the entire Glossy crew after becoming pestilently peeved by an article by alleged writer Rfreed entitled ‘Obama Let’s His Bad Self Out All Over The NRA’s LaPierre‘.

Mr. Woodie (no relation to the ‘Toy Story’ character, who even as a toy, still knew compassion), finding the admittedly obnoxious article to severely contradict his own thoroughly thought out and scientifically studied beliefs promptly fired off eviscerating email salvos intended to shred any self worth the normally passive and sheep like Glossy staff might have.

The effects of them were devastating to the sensitive and delicate natures of the shocked Glossy caretakers.

Publisher Brian White, awakening at last at 4 PM from an meth and krokodil stupor upon his harem-sized waterbed in the $10 million dollar Glossy Penthouse atop the Chrysler Building shook off the last of his dreams of having shared the watery love platform with both a naked Miley Cyrus and Sophia Vergara.

He tied his Kimono tighter around his waste and proceeded down the circular stairs to his suede-drenched office, having to push aside the empty bottles of Citron Platinum (non-circulating) littering the landing left over from the staff meeting/orgy from that afternoon. Yes, meetings in our office more than well attended, they’re also well attended.

White had the breath knocked out of him upon reading Mr. Woodies bombast, so caustic it started to melt even the specialized megapixel scene of the super Apple on his beta iPhone7. It was so shocking even he, hardened by many years in the satire field, could only emit a muted gasp. Kind of a gulp gasp, but you get the idea.

From the other side of the office he heard a whimper. There he found his faithful apprentice, Donald Trump, (yes, the same one. This job is the real secret of him making his millions,) curled up in a fetal position behind the life-size Che Guevara statue in the corner, softly sobbing, sobbing softly, and sobbing softly like an SOB.

“I take it you read the missive.” White asked of the faux-billionaire. “Oh God! …Yes!” gasped the orange husk of a man, his normally carefully plastered hair a tangled mess of orange mesh fur skewering out in all directions.) “It …was… so mean!” He then went in to an uncontrollable fit of hysterical tears, which is normally for him three to four times each day.

“Has Becky seen this?” White asked.

“Yes,” answered Trump between mad gasps of air.

“Sorry you had to read this Becky,” said White. “God!” thought White, “They are dropping like flies around here.”

An operative from inside the White House working at Glossy News headquarters known only as “J. Robinette B.” said, “They done gave us a good ass-whuppin, Delaware style!” adding, “Now I know what he meant by being butt-hurt. These NRA boys, man, they can give you an enema with astro-turfed words alone, and I do mean ass…tro-turfed. Get it?”

By the next morning, nearly all of Glossy’s 132 employees had quit or called in sick, all mauled by the savage beating they took from the viciously vocal Mr. Woody et al. Mr. White, his empire in alleged, supposed tatters, had to raise the red white and blue flag of surrender (the French one, not the US flag) and enter into negotiations to sell his website to FOX News owner Rupert Murdoch, for pennies on the dime.

Editors addendum- Midway through this fray, the purveyor of the original article, Rfreed wandered in from the street wearing his usual pink, overly tight hot pants and leather thigh high black lace up boots with stiletto heels, his white see-though halter top tied at the bottom and exposing the amazing cleavage he didn’t have, whining his eyes out. He threw himself limply upon the over-sized, overstuffed leopard skin couch and sobbed into a pillow.

“Oh God!” he whined, “that bastard implied that I was gay!”

Nothing we said would console him, and we even said we’d take him to Barney’s.

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UN Demands That United States Drop ‘United’ From Their Name


The UN Council has put forth a petition demanding that the United States of America drop the term ‘United’ from their name due to the partisan bickering between conservative and liberal elements that has divided the nation.

Chief UN Spokesman Igo Monkeyfat has declared “The name ‘United States of America’ is no longer an accurate or true description of the country.

For a decade now the infighting in America has so torn apart the country that it barely functions as a regulating body. We at the UN now state that this name must be dropped in favor of one that more adequately describes the nation known as ‘America’.” Read the full story

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Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Critics on the right and left are calling for C-SPAN to apologize after one of its production crew members wrongly configured Senator Al Franken’s identification bar during a broadcast, leading to heaps of butthurt.

The incident occurred late Sunday evening, when Franken was on the network’s panel to discuss his support for immigration reform. When the identification bar materialized on-screen, it listed him with the title of “Al Franken D-Moron,” rather than the appropriate title of Minnesota. Read the full story

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Report: Biden to Become Prime Minister of Italy


After weeks of crisis and gridlock, Italians have a new prime minister, and his name is Biden. That is, Joseph Robinette Biden.

America’s vice president was selected for the position after consensus picks such as Oliver Stone and Roman Polanski lost out due to a last minute revolt by Silvio Berlusconi’s People of Freedom Party, which desired to put Monica Bellucci in the position. Read the full story

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Obama Angry He “Can’t” Kill American Citizens


Members of the press core were violently ejected from the White House yesterday after President Obama went into a fit of rage over the fact that the Constitution prohibits him from killing innocent American citizens.

“It’s not fair! My drone strikes have killed hundreds of Pakistanis in the past four years. At this point, who cares where the targets are, or whether they are brown or not?” Read the full story

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SNL Caught ‘Rounding Second’ with Obama–World Shocked


The signs, though subtle and unseen by many, were always there. The episode before last of the much loved, sketch comedy TV show only underscored the true reality of their relationship.

After Seth Meyers, the Weekend Update news anchor, more than adequately roasted a few Republican politicians, he then began commenting on the president’s inauguration. And, ostensibly, he made a few extremely harmless but funny quips about Biden photo-bombing the president, etc. Read the full story

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Joe Biden Appointed Secretary of Intermoronical Affairs


Vice President Joe Biden has reason to smile.

Not only did the Delawarean Dynamo just get sworn into a second term of office; now Washington news organizations are reporting that Biden has been tapped to serve jointly as head of a new cabinet-level agency: the Department of Intermoronical Affairs. Read the full story

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Un-Named Elf Leaks Obama Santa Letter


NORTH POLE – One of Santa’s right-leaning elves has reportedly leaked a letter to Santa from one of his most famous correspondents:

Dear Santa,

Thanks again for giving me that big white house four years ago. To be honest, that Read the full story

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Election Day 2012: Obama Starts Cleaning Out the Oval Office


GlossyNews.comThe White House With exit polls sliding against them faster than butter on a hot skillet, the current occupants of the White House are starting to realize that a moving date will be a reality in January, 2013.

Empty moving boxes first started to arrive discreetly as early as October 1st as the First Family realized that American voters were angry after four disgustingly inept years of anemic economic growth, and in the world’s eyes, a sliding leadership position with scattered decision making and an unacountable State Department causing four needless deaths in Bengazi, Libya. Read the full story

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Obama Debate Prep To Include Joe Biden: Heckler


As President Obama prepares for Tuesday’s debate with failed former Gov. Mitt Romney, a new twist has been added to the normal procedure.

Vice-president Joe Biden will fill-in as his opponent for the practice sessions, laughing and heckling incessantly.

President Obama already has a surrogate for this position, a tape of his performance in the first debate, but the subsequent over-the-top performance of the vice-president has altered that strategy. Read the full story

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Biden’s Laugh Claims Ryan’s Smirk Isn’t VP Material


Following Thursday night’s Vice Presidential debate, Joe Biden’s laugh told reporters that Candidate Paul Ryan’s smirk “simply is not qualified for the number two position.”

Biden’s laugh went on to explain that “a President grimaces, and a grimace is a less sad frown which is an upside down smile which is a less happy laugh. So me and the Presidential mouth are like kissing cousins so to speak full of conflicting emotion. Read the full story

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Handlers Say Biden Will Be On a ‘Soothing Lithium Drip’ For The VP Debate


Washington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)

After publically claiming ‘it’s only 30 more days to the erection,’ Joe Biden handlers have taken matters into their own hands and have placed the Vice President into the care of the White House Physician for immediate treatment in order to have the VP compete in Wednesday’s Vice Presidential debate. Read the full story

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In 4yrs, Biden Successfully Increased GDP (Gaffe Domestic Product) by 80%


The White House released its figures for economic and social growth over the last four years and are very excited about sharing one particular statistic that stood out above the rest.

Apparently, during his first term as Vice President, Joe Biden single-handedly increased the social equivalent of the GDP (Gaffe Domestic Product) by over eighty percent (narrowly nudging Quayle from the top spot).

Read Also:
Stupid things said by Mitt Romney
Stupid things said by Barack Obama

We have compiled an abbreviated version for you; a more complete list can be found at various sites like politicalhumor.about.com. Read the full story

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