WASHINGTON, D.C. – A couple weeks into a new administration, we’ve already had some sweeping changes take place in our nation’s capital.

Since being sworn in as the 46th President of the United States, Joe Biden has been quite busy. In his first weeks as President, he has signed almost 30 executive orders tackling such objectives such as mandating face masks or coverings order on federal properties and transportation and expanding access to PPE, vaccines, and coronavirus testing for the states. Since taking office, Biden has also signed two letters – to have the nation rejoin both the World Health Organization (WHO) as well as the Paris Climate Agreement, both that the previous administration withdrew the United States from.

Now Joe Biden is on to his next objective, securing economic relief for the American people. But this move is not without controversy. In the week leading up to the Georgia Senate special elections, Biden and other prominent Democrats campaigned on passing economic relief in the form of $2000 stimulus checks for Americans if Democratic candidates Jon Ossoff and Raphael Warnock won. Now the party is backpedaling and saying they will pass $1400 stimulus checks that when combined with the meager $600 checks given out in early January will add up to $2000. This has caused a divide within the Democratic party between those who expected $2000 checks in addition to the $600 passed when the Republican party controlled the Senate and those who believe the promise is being made good on with a cumulative $2000 worth of stimulus.

Biden was quick to act on this, however. He called together a White House Press Briefing earlier today, where he offered a solution.

▸ Pictured: President Joe Biden addressing the Press Corp and the American people at this afternoon’s briefing

“I believe I am making good on my promise to provide substantial economic relief to the American people, and here’s how I’m gonna provide more. I’m going to make sure every qualifying American receives a $1400 stimulus check. Now I’m not a financial advisor, and I barely understand this stuff; but I’ve got this guy, name is Gill. Says any poor American can invest their $1400 stimulus check into this thing called Dogecoin. Real cute dog, no malarkey I swear. Gonna get me one of them in the White House. But you put your $1400 stimulus check into this thing called Dogecoin, it’s valued at about 3, maybe 4 Lincoln pennies right now. That puppy is supposed to shoot up to a whole Washington dollar by the end of the year. Your $1400 now will get you 35,000 Doge – and at the end of the year that 35,000 Doge will be worth $35,000 US dollars. You cash that out and you just made yourself a handsome $33,600 profit. That’s WAY better than a $2000 stimulus check, right, Jack? And let me tell you, that’s a lot of Tubman twenties right there. WE’RE GOING TO THE MOOOON, JACK!”

After this, Biden was escorted off stage by Vice President Harris and a couple members of the Secret Service; and Press Secretary Jen Psaki took the microphone.

“I will circle back to each and every one of you, as soon as I figure out what the hell this ‘Dogecoin’ is; no further questions” and she promptly exited the room.

Author: Benjamin Brown

Wadayasay? Here's your chance to sound off!