Tag Archive | "Donald Trump"

Will The Real Donald Trump Please Stand Up?


In early November 2016, Scotland’s first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, expressed more clearly than many other world leaders the hope that Donald Trump, when in office, would be very different from the Donald Trump she had witnessed on the presidential campaign trail.

Comments attributed to Mr Trump while campaigning have led many to accuse him of being racist, sexist, and discriminatory towards people with disabilities – to name just three character traits that have met with liberal-minded disapproval.

If Ms Sturgeon and others are to have their wish fulfilled, however, Mr Trump, after entering the White House on 20th January 2017, will need to consistently demonstrate liberal, tolerant, non-discriminatory opinions and behaviour.

Suppose this did indeed occur. Imagine that the first act of the new president was to personally champion the cause of disabled, Mexican, Muslim women. Many would wonder what could possibly have led to such an apparent transformation.

In such circumstances, the following might be rationales to consider – doubtless all would be proposed:

1 – The CIA – or the shape-shifting, lizard-like aliens who control the world – had replaced Donald Trump with a liberal look-alike.

2 – A divine messenger had shown up in the Oval Office, pointed out that Mr Trump was in his latter years and explained that God remained undecided about whether the president’s final elevator journey should be up or down.

3 – Donald Trump had been part of an elaborate hoax for a US reality TV show. The writers had constructed a character from a composite of least desirable presidential characteristics. Then, somehow, it had all got out of hand.

4 – Donald Trump had been a really nice guy after all and had wished to be president to do good in the world. He had lied to get elected as he had correctly calculated that only a racist, sexist bigot could hope to win the hearts and minds of more than half the US population. Also, the Ku Klux Clan vote could have been a clincher.
This scenario has an interesting corollary in that Mr Trump’s alleged threats to go after his opponents after the election could transform into him targeting his own supporters. He might passionately castigate those who elected him, saying how disgusted he was by their behaviour and telling them that their appalling attitudes had no place in the modern world.

5 – Donald Trump had always been the ideal president. He had been targeted with a misinformation campaign by a biased media – a media that had been supporting a political elite who had become out of touch with, and had ceased to care about, ordinary US citizens.

6 – Donald Trump had really been as bigoted as the liberals had feared. He had discovered, however, that, as president, the pragmatics of balancing complex political factors, both at home and overseas, constrained his words and actions. He had been forced to concede that a president is not nearly as powerful as one might think.

When will the real Donald Trump reveal himself?

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Newt Volunteers/Threatens to Join Mars One-Way Mission (If Not Appointed to Cabinet)


(NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE: HERE’S A QUICK AND DIRTY ONE FROM BRIAN. NOW, I WONDER WHO THAT REMINDS YOU OF?)

Fallow bucket of human compost and erstwhile DC King Maker Newton Leroy Gingrich has put up his name as a possible applicant for a one-way mission to Mars…

That is, assuming he can’t secure a cabinet position in Trump’s administration.

Successor to Tom Foley and human embodiment of Mr. Potato Head Newt Gingrich has already pointed out his months of suckling up to the dry teat of the Trump campaign (despite only twice getting his parking validated), and is already seeking a new level of validation. He wants to be the first post-menopausal man on Mars, if he can’t get a place in Trump’s cabinet. Read the full story

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Trump’s Very First Speech as POTUS! Exclusive to Glossy News


Ha! Ha! Ha!

Would you just LOOOOOOOOOK at… Read the full story

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Hey Hey Donald Hey! (With Apologies to Bill Frederick’s: Hey Hey LBJ!)


Hey Hey Donald Hey,
How many casinos did you lose today?
Gonna file for bankruptcy and lose your dollars now, oh, boy!
Donald Trump has eager hands to grab another bargain,
She runs off and tells the mob that Donald Trump is lying!
Hey Hey Donald Hey,
How many women did you lose today?
Gonna be a felon now and go to prison now, oh, boy!

Read the full story

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Glossy News Classics (II): Tim Jones’ My Spirited Defense of Donald Trump


NOTE FROM WALLACE:

Welcome to number II of the occasional series delving into our voluminous back catalog, here at Glossy News. Tim Jones has produced a large body of satire for us; but his well-honed, polished pieces are abundant in quality, and not only in quantity! It may seem a little odd to see such a recent piece being characterized as a ‘classic,’ but I have to say that the merciless ‘dry humor’ here is just superb. 

***

Donald Trump is a great American. In the past nine months, he has done a masterful job of uniting millions of Americans from all different backgrounds – admittedly mostly by uniting them in their deep hatred and fear of Donald Trump. But that’s simply because they’ve not gotten to know him the way I have.

If only he had more TV exposure, then people would see the light. Read the full story

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Is a Libertarian Vote for Trump Unconscionable?


The US Presidential Election is upon us.

Faced with a binary choice, a Libertarian would rightly consider voting for Mr Trump over Secretary Clinton. Ask yourself which of the two “candidates” has a proven track record of choosing war? Was the Libyan intervention in 2011 a war of choice? As President Obama stated at the Democrat Convention this past summer, no one ever running has been more qualified. That was a subtle statement that after the years of war, drones and regime change, Hillary Clinton is highly aware and capable of expanding the American military presence globally. She deserves no consideration from a Libertarian.

And what of Mr Trump? Read the full story

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Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters


In the final run-up to the US presidential elections, Hillary Clinton is hoping to ensure victory by winning-over the one demographic group that Donald Trump has yet failed to insult or alienate.

That group consists of white American men without a college degree. Much of the threat posed by Donald Trump comes from this group who represented nearly half of all voters in 2012.

A draft transcript of Clinton’s forthcoming speech has been obtained by this site and is reproduced below:

Today, I want to speak to a very important section of our society. I want to address those whose hard work and self-sacrifice made America the great country it is today.

I’m referring, of course, to you uneducated, white guys.

I want you all to put down those cans of beer, burgers and bottles of mayonnaise and listen to me for five minutes before you next go out to buy meth or shoot someone.

The future of America is in your hands, and I believe that you all need to take that responsibility very seriously.

I want you to think for a minute about the demographic – that’s a big word that means the group in society – to which you belong. You are uneducated white males. The clue’s in the name.

It might not be your fault that you’re not so smart. Maybe inbreeding or other factors mean you didn’t start out very bright. It’s the way things have turned out, however, and it would be as crazy to deny that as it would be to deny you are fellow Americans.

I’m not saying you’re not wonderful, hardworking guys. Our great country would collapse tomorrow if it wasn’t for all the unskilled, menial jobs you do. I want you to imagine, however, that you needed brain surgery. Would you ask a buddy to do it or would you try to find an educated doctor? If you were taking a plane, would you want an educated pilot to fly it or would you be happy for Homer Simpson to give it a go?

I’m willing to bet that, after you’d thought as hard as you could about it, at least half of you would want your brain surgeon or pilot to be educated, even if your buddy would do the job for a pack of beers.

I want those of you who would choose an educated brain surgeon or pilot to now ask yourselves why you would make that choice.

Would it be because an educated brain surgeon or pilot would know what they were doing? Maybe you think you’d have a better chance of surviving the operation or the flight.

Voting for a president is like doing brain surgery or flying that plane. There are a lot of complicated things to think about when you’re a president, and working out who could do the job best is really hard.

I’m appealing to all you uneducated white guys not to vote on November 8.

If a loved one needed that brain surgery, you’d owe it to them to get the very best surgeon. Each of you really know, deep in your hearts, that you wouldn’t be clever enough to be certain of picking the right person.

It’s just the same with this great land we all love. You owe it to your kids, your family, this wonderful country and the world, to not even try thinking about picking a president.

I say again to you all: “don’t vote”. Leave big choices to those with better brains.

America needs you to just stay in bed, watch TV and have another beer on November 8.

You know it’s the right thing to do.

You know, deep down, that it’s what God wants you to do.

Thank you.

God bless America.

God bless America.

Read the full story

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Republicans Praised for Reducing Stigma for Psychopaths


Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.–The National Institute of Mental Health congratulated the Republican Party for helping to accustom Americans to those with mental illness, by elevating obvious psychopaths to positions of high office.

Doctor Fernando Lamas, chairman of the Institute, said at a press conference that Republican voters have done the United States “a great service, showing more so-called progressive Americans that those with antisocial disorders–who are typically demonized in popular horror films–can be entrusted with political power as long as we shirk our civic duties and learn to keep lowering our standards for acceptable public behaviour.” Read the full story

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Trump: Hillary Drooled Through Debate


On Wednesday Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump proposed this new conspiracy theory about his Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton: that she drooled all the way through Monday’s debate.

“Didn’t notice at 1st,” he tweeted, “Crooked Hillary drooled all over herself @ debate. I scare her BIGLY Probably had seizure. Sad!” Read the full story

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Trump-Corbyn Syndrome Defined As New Mental Disorder


New editions of two major mental disorder classification manuals are to list Trump-Corbyn Syndrome (TCS) as a mental disorder.

The naming of the condition was inspired by the behaviour of Donald Trump’s supporters in the US and Jeremy Corbyn’s supporters in the UK.

The disorder is triggered by often justifiable anger about a person or institution. TCS is diagnosed if the person experiencing such strong negative feelings then rejects the object of their anger in favour of a radically different alternative that is entirely unfit for purpose.

The draft DSM-6 manual (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Sixth Revision) gives an example of a person with Trump-Corbyn Syndrome purchasing an airline ticket:

The Australian carrier Quantas is consistently rated as the world’s safest airline. The Indonesian domestic airline, Transnusa, is currently rated by AirlineRatings.com as amongst the least safe.

A TCS sufferer might take a dislike to the Quantas logo and book with Transnusa on an impulsive, emotional whim. He or she would dismiss the dangers and simply hope that the safety issues for which the Indonesian airline has been criticised would somehow be resolved before his or her flight.

The draft ICD-11 manual (International Classification of Diseases – Eleventh Revision) quotes the example of a person with Trump-Corbyn Syndrome snorkelling on a reef that contains angelfish and other such small, inoffensive creatures:

Such a swimmer might judge the reef to be boring and instead plan to snorkel in a location populated by hungry sharks and crocodiles. A person afflicted by TCS would see the new location as hugely more interesting but be deaf to warnings by others about the disadvantages of swimming there.

Both these examples illustrate the key characteristic of the condition. This relates to passionately pursuing whatever feels good in the present while applying no intelligent thought at all to future consequences.

‘The difficulty with TCS is that it’s a personality disorder,’ explained a representative of the UK Royal College of Psychiatrists. ‘This means that the beliefs and attitudes involved are so integrated with the personal identities of sufferers that, firstly, they are unable to recognise that they’re ill, and, secondly, there are no effective treatments. Medication is ineffective in treating personality disorders,’ she continued, ‘and psychological interventions tend to have only limited effects in less severe cases.’

A consequence of the lack of insight of TCS sufferers is that their views are not influenced by objective facts. The focus of their passionate support can fail catastrophically and yet those afflicted with TCS remain unable to accept the obvious.

‘A good example of this occurs in relation to end-of-the-world cults,’ explained a representative of the American Psychiatric Association. ‘One might think that an end-of-the-world cult would disintegrate if the appointed day for the apocalypse passed without incident.

‘What has actually happened on many occasions, however, is that the faith of believers – all of whom could be diagnosed with TCS – has become strengthened by the experience. They find ways to reinterpret the new reality in the context of their delusions. A classic way to achieve this is to give thanks to their god, or whatever entity was due to destroy the world, for sparing them.’

There is no doubt among experts that exactly the same phenomenon would occur in relation to the supporters of Donald Trump in the US and those of Jeremy Corbyn in the UK if either were to gain power.

‘If Donald Trump was elected to US president,’ the APA representative continued, ‘and he impetuously started a nuclear war on the following Tuesday, his supporters – all of whom, by definition, experience some degree of TCS – would not blame him for poor judgement. They would, instead, blame Iceland – or whichever random country he had chosen to nuke – for provoking an attack by a totally reasonable and rational president.’

The representative of the UK Royal College of Psychiatrists described a related scenario in a British context. ‘Suppose Jeremy Corbyn became the British Prime Minister,’ she began. ‘It’s pretty obvious to anyone who thinks about it that within twelve months the UK would have reverted to the political, economic and social chaos of the 1970s.

‘Supporters of Mr Corbyn would not blame him, however. His TCS afflicted followers would, in fact, have a pre-existing narrative to explain the carnage that they had brought upon the country – a narrative that did not implicate Mr Corbyn at all.

‘They would be likely to argue that the breakdown of British society had been an inevitable consequence of conflict between those who owned the means of production and the proletariat. Not one of them would grasp that simplistic Marxist ideology should never have been applied to the complex political, social and economic circumstances of the early twenty-first century.’

Donald Trump and Jeremy Corbyn appear to be at opposite ends of the political spectrum. In the context of the above, therefore, it is interesting that identical campaign slogans have been adopted by supporters of both – and that these slogans resonate with those in George Orwell’s book, 1984. ‘Inconvenient truths are lies’ shout supporters of both men at their rallies together with ‘If it feels true; it is true’.

The real catastrophe would occur, of course, if enough people became afflicted with TCS to result in someone who was potentially dangerous gaining significant political power.

For previous examples of the dire consequences of such a development, please consult any world history book that covers the early to mid-twentieth century.

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Casino King Donald Trump Would Ban Online Casinos as President for ‘Not Being Classy Enough’


Millionaire Donald J. Trump may have come from humble beginnings as the son of a wealthy real estate tycoon, but he made his name as a brash and powerful casino magnate. But if there’s one thing he can’t abide, especially as president, it’s anyone else cutting into what he consider his business.

At a rally held in a California middle school gymnasium, he told the crowd of awestruck students that, “Casinos are supposed to be classy, am I right? I’m right folks, you know that, everybody does. But how can something be classy if it’s on the internet? That makes no sense.”

The press corps was made up entirely of bloggers from Breitbart, National Review Online, FrontPage and a single student from the school newspaper who managed to avoid having his phone confiscated before entering the almost-entirely empty multi-purpose room where lunch is also served, in this instance at the same time.

“Casinos are a place where you go to have a great time. You’ll learn about that,” said the presidential hopeful. “Ask your parents, they’ll tell you about it, it’s fantastic.”

Trump is well known for building what he calls, “the biggest, grandest, classiest casinos, they’re truly terrific, you wouldn’t even believe it, believe me,” adding, “No, I’m serious, ask anyone. Well, high-rollers. Ask high-rollers and they’ll tell you what a real casino is supposed to be like, it’s superlative.”

When a reporter later asked to clarify if he actually meant “superlative” or if he was just intending to use on at that point, he was grabbed by the neck by security, escorted off the premises and arrested for transporting home-grown tree fruit into California without declaring it. No charges have been filed.

When reached for comment, a spokesman for industry leader Casino Pokies Online said only that he doesn’t know what we’re talking about, who we are, that he “doesn’t have time for this,” and added that, no, I may not quote him. Advice I promised to consider, but not heed.

The aspirational leader of the free world explained to teachers and athletic directors present that “online casinos don’t have showgirls, they don’t have complimentary drinks or show tickets to Gallagher, The Rockettes, or Amy Schumer’s sister. Whatever her name is, people say she’s great, I hear it all the time.”

Industry experts have suggested that the real reason Donald Trump would ban online casinos is that, since he’s perpetually teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, this could push him over that cliff yet again, and that insolvency prior to the election could increase his chances of “getting his ass whupped by a girl.”

Others have suggested that since online gaming is more fun and more accessible than going to an inconvenient and needlessly expensive casino, people might choose to skip his silly monuments to man’s hubris altogether.

Jerry Fenson, a welder from Poughkeepsie, New York, explained that, “When I play from home, I can actually win. If I have to pay to go to one of his casinos, I have to win a thousand dollars just to break even after the cost of the room and travel. It’s literally impossible to beat the house in Atlantic City, and that’s assuming I don’t get mugged outside, which is a very big assumption.”

Donald Trump expects to give his acceptance speech on November 8th in a private ceremony to his closest friends and family members shortly after delivering his official concession speech.

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Man Discovers Awful Truth, Shames Mass Media


WASHINGTON, D.C. 2017—Gerald Humphrey’s profound discovery began when he realized the American mainstream media’s treatment of Donald Trump’s Republican campaign for the presidency contrasted sharply with reality.

“CNN, the Associated Press, the New York Times, and all the other major news outlets in the United States kept taking Donald Trump much more seriously than I would have thought any curious and sane investigator would have a right to do,” said Gerald. “They kept listening to what Trump said at rallies or on Twitter and then they talked or wrote about it a lot, without ever mentioning the obvious truth. It dawned on me that a vast cover-up was unfolding.” Read the full story

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4K Glossy News PODCAST 056 (8-15-16)


The 4K/UHD podcast is back again. All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are just some of the topics covered in the the August 15th, 2016 edition.

* How solar plants are taking over the world, and exactly which sorts never will, ya green bastard!

* Trump eats KFC on his private jet, but that doesn’t make him a man of the people. The whole thing was staged and we give 22 reasons why the whole thing was faked. Read the full story

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4K Glossy News PODCAST 055 (8-8-16)


The 4K/UHD podcast is back again. All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are just some of the topics covered in the the August 8th, 2016 edition.

* Another exclusive interview with real life pirates I encountered in Buena Park, California. These inland pirate ships are arguably the most dangerous and serious in Southern California.

* There’s an EASY way to call Donald Trump on his nonsense, and that’s to just refer to him as “Donald” while you call Secretary Hillary Clinton “Clinton”. There are connotatoins a’ plenty, as I explain in this segment. Read the full story

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Donald Trump will lose BIGLY in November (by the numbers) VIDEO


The fans and haters demanded it, so here’s another fact-based analysis of why Donald Trump will lose, and lose BIGLY in November. (Scroll down for comments from YouTube.)

I’m not going on feelings or impressions, but the analytics provided by the myriad pollsters, the pollster analysts, and those analyzing the meta-analysis of the pollsters.

Donald Trump COULD still win, but the odds grow longer by the day. It ain’t pretty, if you’re him. Read the full story

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Trump University Fall 2016 Courses


The Trump University Promise

At Trump University success is what it’s all about. Trump U is about a lot of things – but above all, how you can be successful by helping me become even more successful by enrolling in Trump University. You can enroll in our Business Entrepreneur Success curriculum for slightly more than the amount you’ve accumulated in your retirement nest egg. Enrollment is now open for Fall 2016. Check out some of my incredible courses. You’re going to love it. I guarantee it. – Donald J. Trump Read the full story

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