Exclusive! Hacked Email Reveals Origins of Trump’s Tweets

Glossy News has exclusively obtained a confidential email
sent by White House intern ……………… to his mother,
which discloses the genesis of the President’s insults

Hi, Mom. Exciting news!!!
Yesterday I was summoned to the Oval where President Trump said to me, through his interpreter, “Covfefe!” which meant I’d been formally inducted into the exclusive FOOL (Friends Of Our Leader) fraternity and that Mr. Trump would never ever throw me under the bus unless he wanted to. (Make sure Robin finds out about this. Sure, she’s going steady with some bigshot Assistant Manager Trainee at a major retail chain, but has he ever been in the Oval?? (that’s what we call it around here. Everyone knows it’s an office).

So, I’m a true MAGA Man! And my job? Around the West Wing they call me the Insult Incubator, because that’s what I am. All those brilliant Twitter insults Our Leader posts? They start with me. Well, maybe not all of them. Our Leader doesn’t need reminders to insult the Fake News or Hillary Clinton or Puerto Rico or shithole countries or Enemies Of The People or even dead people or teenage girls. That’s the sort of brilliant political instinct Our President inherently possesses. He doesn’t need me for that. What He does need me for is to winnow the list to those worthy of a presidential insult, and that list is long. Start with the fact that there are 500 million Twitter posts a day. 500 million! Most of those are unkind or totally Unfair tweets about Our Leader posted by commies, socialists, or fat people. So, say, 350 million disloyal tweets a day.

Here, let me give you an example. Debra Messing. Mom, I bet you’ve been wondering how one man, even Our Leader, could comb through 500 million tweets to discover the lack of proper loyalty from Debra Messing, a flat-chested washed-up actress who played a minor role in a failing TV sitcom about some redhead who lives with a homo. I mean, I know Our Leader has a “very, very, large brain,” but He has stuff to do, like drawing weather maps or Googling how to cram a hand grenade up Barack Hussein Obama’s African ass, which Our Leader explains needs to happen. So all of that and lots of other important stuff makes for a full load, even for Him.

So I’m the one who found Debra Messing for Him. (Talk about a needle in a ho-stack!) She was trying to expose Our Leader’s famous Hollywood supporters like Tila Tequila. But we turned the tables and outed Debra Messing as an Evil Hollywood Elite. Hah!

Here’s how I did it: I farmed out the initial research to the NSA, instructing them to commandeer 40% of their supercomputer power to track the 6000 tweets posted every second. Every second! This, to root out disloyalty to Our Leader. The intelligence guys bitched and moaned about this, claiming they needed their supercomputers for stupid stuff like combating election interference, but just like Our Leader, I don’t trust those intelligence guys. Treasonous deep state Clinton operatives is who they are.
(Btw, Rick texted. Pls explain to him that you can’t sit in a bathtub and drown the little buggers, but no need to see a doc. A can of Raid works fine. Just ask Robin).

So, Mom, I usually work all night in order to present Our Leader with my incubated insults, like Debra Messing. Often, I’m the very first person to see Him that day, which is way cool! Usually, it’s so early He is still on His bed in His bathrobe (Executive Time they call it) not watching Morning Joe, and no, I’ve never asked Him why He shaves His legs.

I present Him with the results of my incubations. And just like an incubating egg, they haven’t hatched yet. That’s what Our Leader, in His “great and unmatched wisdom does” — hatch them. Or to put it another way, using a metaphor or an analogy, I always get confused which, He turns my load of coal into a cutting diamond, or He plants my seeds and grows them into vicious Venus Flytraps to catch all those democrat insects, or he takes my larva and evolves it into a glorious butterfly. (Okay, maybe not so much that last one, but you get my point.) I mean, Our Leader can crank out 280 characters in ALL CAPS without breaking a sweat and fire off !!!!!!!!!!!’s like a machine gun.

And He does it with such style. As He said, “I know words. I have the best words,” like moron and stupid and loser and bigly. And sometimes he’ll just make up a word! Like Liddle’. Genius! One day Our Leader was really steamed that someone lost His executive order which would make it illegal for Mexicans to breathe oxygen. (There’s a limited amount of oxygen, you know). Oh and…

(Well, that “someone” who “lost” the executive order was probably one of those self-righteous “guardrail” phonies, or worse yet, a leaker, who is just like a spy).

Anyway, he really wanted to unload on somebody, and he chose that poor sap Adam Schiff and he referred to him as Liddle’ Adam Schiff. Liddle’! And with an apostrophe for flourish. ROTFL! Even though that pantywaist Schiff AFAIK is six feet tall, the next day everyone thought he was a midget! And then there was that priceless tweet about Nancy Pelosi, and so now everyone who watches Fox believes she bites the heads off live gerbils! The man, I tell you, is a “very stable genius!” He rules!

Anyhoo Mom, gotta go, time to fire up the ol’ incubator, root out some Enemies Of The People!
– ttyl

P.S. Aunt Mildred told me about that ‘issue’ your new boyfriend has with you. Here’s what Robin did – she just pretended it was ‘mayonnaise’.
– b4n

Image credit: FriendlyStock

Author: Jeffrey Hanlon

I live on the shores of the Caribbean where I spend my days in shorts and sandals making up silly stories