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Glossy News March Winners Announced

Glossy News March Winners Announced

For reasons unknown, we’re still running the $250 satire contest for our writers. Here are your March winners.

The Top Ten

#10 – Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers by FreeMann. Just goes to show that sometimes breadsticks can indeed be funny.

#9 – Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size by T. J. Carter. Not sure who exactly is reading this. I sure didn’t. I’m in no way happy with the size of my penis and I didn’t want to get mad. Damn thing looks like a can of Pringles with a portobello mushroom stuck to the end of it. Truly shameful.

#8 – Oklahoma TV Station “Accidentally” Cuts 38-Minutes from Cosmos Evolution Episode by Brian K. White. Not sure how this jackass made the list. I know him well and he’s a real ball-buster. Also, don’t say the word “Pringles” around him. He’s very sensitive in that area and he might explode.

#7 – The Universe Is F*cking Ridiculous, Say World’s Leading Astrophysicists by T. J. Carter. Mad props to the new guy. He still has mad satire reserves, so maybe we can coax some of it out of him.

#6 – Cosmos Show embroiled in Legal Controversy with Churches by Benjamin Cain. This wonderfully bad penny keeps popping up month after month. Congrats on top-tenning.

#5 – Microbiologist Lies About Finding Life on Mars by T. J. Carter. Wait, this guy again? Didn’t I already tell him he made good stuff?

#4 – Putin Invades Coney Island To Help Russians Living There by Rfreed. Reigning GlossyNews champion RFreed has once again shown up in the top stories. Not a shocker, he does good work. I’ll take some credit as I spent way too much time making the custom image for the story.

#3 – Carnival Corporation Posts Onboard Cruise Crime Data by DeepTrout. Trout threw a bunch at the wall this month, and it stuck. Some corporations look at satire like this and feel it diminishes their brand. That may be marginally true, as there are those who can afford to have discerning tastes, but if I book a cruise tomorrow, it wouldn’t put me off one bit.

#2 – Weakest Lincoln: Thinkin’ or Not, Napolitano Craps Out by Brian K. White. I’m glad this story got some readership as I put a ton of work into it. I only wrote three articles this month, and two showed up in the top-ten, so I’m proud to say the old man still got it. Now get off my lawn!

Top Story of the month is…

#1 – Lady Gaga Responds To Criticism Over Head Defecation Stunt by DeepTrout. Some say it’s click-whoring to write a story about Gaga, but she wouldn’t want it any other way. She’s the queen of self-promotion and if we had even a fraction of her success, we’d all live in a creepy compound in some awful place cranking out Lohan stories for TMZ the rest of our lives… which would be short, and thankfully. I mean, seriously? Lohan for life? No thanks.

So who won?

The internet won. Isn’t that enough? Oh, okay, apparently, no, that’s not enough. Fair enough, I get it. Here are the winners:

Top Prize – DeepTrout. Most reads is most reads. It didn’t beat the archive stories, as those are still reigning supreme, so it’s a $75 prize.

Four Author prizes – I’m just going to go with the top-ten by readership, since it largely tracks with author involvement and comments.

RFreed, T.J. Carter, Benjamin Cain and FreeMann. Congrats to all. Please post your acceptance speeches below.

April Competition

Against my better judgment, I’m extending the contest through April. When I first announced the competition, it breathed new life

How rich am I getting off these competitions?

Looking at Google Adsense income March 1st through April 2nd, the top-12 were all written by me (or category/index/landing pages,) some dating back as far as 2006.

From the top-25 income generating pages, only three were stories written by other authors, and they generated a total of $4.45. I don’t want my top authors feeling guilty and I’m not a martyr. I offer these prizes because I can afford it and I want to build the site on a solid foundation.

None of the authors were given prizes based on article income. I care more about eyeballs than pennies.

At the same time I don’t want you thinking I’m making a mint off you guys while kicking down a fraction of it to keep the wheels in motion. As we make more money, I’ll keep investing in site upgrades and promotion, as well as my brilliant authors.

So, you know, just that.

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This post was written by

- who has written 372 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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7 Responses to “Glossy News March Winners Announced”

  1. deeptrout says:

    Much appreciated Brain, as mentioned last month I’d like my earnings to go to the Alzheimer’s Association.

    I do have a suggestion. I’m sure the writers are very appreciative of the money but IMO just getting mentioned is what is important. I suggest the money you allocate for this effort might be better spent marketing the site.

    I know $250 isn’t much, I don’t know what others get for an impression these days, but if we use a tenth a cent that could mean 250k impressions..not sure what the click through rate would be.

    You might want to check out Blogads. You can pick websites that might get the most bang for the buck and change them every month. You also can change the ad daily to reflect the most current article posted.

    1k a month would be a very nice budget for this, but I understand that is more than likely…unlikely. But even 1k every three months might help drive fresh traffic to the site.

    Just a suggestion.

  2. deeptrout says:

    BTW, how’s the new home?

  3. T.J. Carter says:

    Thanks for posting my work, Brian! It feels good to get stuff out there. Hope to post much more. Congrats Deeptrout, and keep up the good work everyone!

  4. Thanks for the prize, Brian. I think this is my first top ten story. How I accomplished that I have no idea.

  5. Deep Blue says:

    Imagine the ones that didn’t make the list.

  6. rfreed says:

    Thanks again!
    Cheers to Cain, Carter and FreeMann as well.

  7. Brian K. White says:

    New house is coming along. Paint was “finished” a couple days ago, but there was a miscommunication and the trim was not a second color. Spent yesterday and today mostly fixing that (with a lot of help) so the carpet can go in tomorrow. We’ll be moving in Wednesday.

    I haven’t disbursed March winnings yet. Barely online with all the house stuff. DeepTrout’s have been going to ALZ.org, as will this one.

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