An African-American pastor has been arrested and institutionalized for what Fox News has called an ‘utterly unhinged, dangerous, extremist, De Niroesque mafia rant’ outside the White House.
According to sources, Catherine Ukunda Underhill spent ‘close to ten minutes’ spreading ‘divisive and hateful incitement’ against God and America.
One Washingtonian even noted:
The passive-aggressive low volume of her voice only made her more infuriating, not to mention her hypocritically ‘compassionate’ tone of speech!
If she’d actually spent ten hours haranguing us at the top of her voice, I might have been able to put up with it!
But when people speak in these ‘gentle,’ ‘loving’ tones, then you just know 100% it’s some kind of scam!
How much of her ill-gotten dollars did she spend on that pathetic voice acting?
Fortunately, I don’t think anybody is dumb enough to fall for this crap nowadays!
To make matters worse, the preacher herself claimed to be neither liberal nor conservative, but a follower of Jesus.
Which Jesus? It sure ain’t the one we know!
The similarly smug MSNBC talking heads found themselves constrained to agree, just this once; calling Miss Underhill:
An irrelevant outlier, probably an elaborate Poe’s law prankster of some kind who wandered off the 4-Chan reservation to provide some kinda false sense of “balance!”
Well after all, it often seems it’s the exceptions, not the rules, that are most illuminating.
Now here at Glossy News, we’re publishing a few excerpts from the speech, as neither side are prepared to quote from this ‘dangerously inflammatory rant.’
Know Your Priorities
If you must vote, vote. If you must canvass, canvass.
But never forget that wherever your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
And one day, it’s going to all be called in.
If all you have to shield you on that day is the effigy of a wicker man, be it of the left hand or the right hand, be sure you will be consumed in the pain of your betrayal.
God Doesn’t Like Idolatry
If you ever once come to think the Holy Dove has settled on either wing of the Temple of God, whether of the left or of the right, you are sorely mistaken, and you need to be washed in repentance, and not remain steeped in pride.
God does not hear the prayers of those who are breaking the First Commandment.
The name of God is the one most commonly spoken, but the most rarely prayed.
God Doesn’t Play Favorites
Left wing politicians will be judged for not valuing the lives of the unborn, and right wing politicians will be judged for not valuing the lives of the born.
Left wing parties will be judged for using the state as a weapon against the family, and right wing parties will be judged for using big business as a weapon against the family.
Left wing intellectuals will be judged for waging war on patriotism, and right wing intellectuals will be judged for stealing the noble name of patriotism, and co-opting it.
Left wing parents will be judged for teaching their children pacifism, and right wing parents will be judged for teaching their children war.
If you want to know what a comprehensive view looks like, look at the Anointed One Himself, and not those who steal his glory.
In an unusually bipartisan move, an act of curiously unlooked-for solidarity to rival even the recent ‘creative jurisprudence’ over protecting wealth creators and corporate persons from hate speech, both aisles of the Senate have taken a quick break from the fire and fury of the impeachment controversy, in order to demand the notoriously overworked Department of Homeland Security clamp down immediately on divisive religious incitement from dangerous extremists who claim their first loyalty is to God, and not to Washington.
We won’t bore you with the whole document, as it’s kind of like wading through treacle. But the following words are, in their own way, rather intriguing:
There has never, and will never, be the slightest kind of conflict between the Will of God and the National Interest.
Anyone who says otherwise is a dangerous radical fanatic, and I think it’s about time we all recognised, we can no longer treat this as a religious freedom question.
It’s a national security issue!
Both parties in this Senate are agreed that anyone who pledges allegiance to some deity that somehow stands ‘above’ the fray of partisan politics is a domestic extremist.
Both Republicans and Democrats are ready to co-operate together, in order to neutralise this threat, and to completely eliminate all terrorist ideologies that maliciously play off religious and national interests, in order to radicalise vulnerable people and incite them towards perilous alternative loyalities that undermine social consensus, solidarity, and loyalty to America, and may ultimately pose an existential threat to the stable, settled, harmonious and orderly status quo we have both worked so hard to establish over a period of decades, if not centuries.