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Gaddafi Ceasefire Gesture: “My Guerillas Have Put Down Their Arms”

Gaddafi Ceasefire Gesture: “My Guerillas Have Put Down Their Arms”

Tripoli Zoo, Tuesday: In a secret satellite conference last Tuesday, Libyan dictator Muhammar Gaddafi reportedly told NATO he had disarmed all of his Guerrillas and he “no longer wanted bloodlessness.”

“No word of a lie. What I say is true. I have taken away my gorillas arms and I want similarly unarmed peacekeepers to enter the Libyan capital of Tripoli as soon as humanly possible,” said Gaddafi, whose stronghold has until now remained impenetrable. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Engraved Tax Bills Sent To British Taxpayers on Eve of Royal Wedding

Engraved Tax Bills Sent To British Taxpayers on Eve of Royal Wedding

Reports are coming out of England that part of the cost of throwing one of the most lavish weddings of the decade will be borne by British taxpayers. Unfortunately, with the economy pretty much still on a downward slide, this news could not have come at a worse time for the royal subjects.

To soften the blow, the Queen has come up with a plan that she hopes will take the sting out of bearing some of the burden for a wedding that is rumored to be overpriced and which most of them may only get to attend by watching it on the telly. Continue Reading

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Posted in World News9 Comments

Nuke Energy Leaders Bravely Sacrifice Everything to Save Radioactive Fuel Rods

Nuke Energy Leaders Bravely Sacrifice Everything to Save Radioactive Fuel Rods

WASHINGTON DC – An emergency meeting was convened today between President Obama, top Japanese officials, members of the IAEA, General Electric CEO Jeffrey Immelt, and several nuclear industry leaders, to discuss ways to save the precious fuel rods from the crippled Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant before it succumbs to the dreaded “Chernobyl Solution.”

Concerned that the fuel rods will be buried forever under a giant mound of concrete, the task force, which is being dubbed Save All Nuclear Energy (or SANE), consulted with a panel of experts to determine the best method for retrieving the coveted radioactive material from the reactor core. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, World News0 Comments

Bono and Geldof ask Africa to save Ireland

Bono and Geldof ask Africa to save Ireland

Soweto: Irish pop stars Bob Geldof and U2’s Bono have announced their latest African tour for October of this year. The tour, aptly named “DebtAid” is set to raise funds and prevent famine in the recession-stricken Irish Republic.

“This time we’ve changed things slightly and decided to tour Africa in an effort to eradicate poverty in Ireland,” explained Bono, whose nation is sitting on a sovereign debt disaster, IMF loans totalling 85 billion Euro, Continue Reading

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Posted in World News3 Comments

London Rioters Disrupt Tea at the Ritz

London Rioters Disrupt Tea at the Ritz

Attendees at London’s plush Ritz Tearooms anticipating a quiet sojourn from the hustle and bustle of the city in order to discuss the cricket and deerstalking in the Highlands of Scotland almost choked on their crumpets as the Ritz was attacked by a group of rabid anarchists hell-bent on destruction.

The black clad marauders – their faces obscured by ski masks – smashed windows with metal poles and traffic signs. Anarchist symbols were spray painted all over the exterior as police struggled to control the mayhem. Continue Reading

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Posted in World News5 Comments

UK Austerity Hits Royal Wedding Plans in the Face

UK Austerity Hits Royal Wedding Plans in the Face

Great Britain was left devastated today by the news that the government’s planned public spending review would be extended to include the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton next month. Until now the British public had born the news that their hospitals, schools, libraries and armed forces were to have their budgets slashed with gritty stoicism.

However news that the lavish celebrations for the marriage of the third in line to the throne, also funded by the taxpayer, were to be hit resulted in an outpouring of emotion. Continue Reading

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Al Qaeda Confirms Bin Laden Dead; Organizational Changes

Al Qaeda Confirms Bin Laden Dead; Organizational Changes

CAIRO — Al Qaeda issued this statement to Internet militant websites:

“We regret to announce that our Premier Leader, Usama bin Laden was killed Monday in plain sight at his home in the city of Abbottabad, Pakistan. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Global Gasoline and Poster Board Prices Rise Sharply

Global Gasoline and Poster Board Prices Rise Sharply

New York, NY, GlossyNews.com– Speculation and tensions are rising on Wall Street as political unrest in the Middle East is not only causing gasoline prices to skyrocket, but poster board prices are at an all-time high as well. Although in Libya, concentration has shifted from protests to civil war, elsewhere in the Middle East, protests still rage on. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News1 Comment

BP Offers Disaster Response Expertise to Failing Nuke Reactor

BP Offers Disaster Response Expertise to Failing Nuke Reactor

Media release: Monaco, 0800hrs, Energy giant BP, (formerly British Petroleum) has announced an offer of support to the Japanese government overnight, pledging to fully rebuild the nation’s damaged nuclear reactors on undisclosed but “very favorable” terms. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, World News16 Comments

“Unstoppable-Radioactive-Tsunami-Earthquake” Reports Initially Dismissed as Bizarre Charlie Sheen Quote

“Unstoppable-Radioactive-Tsunami-Earthquake” Reports Initially Dismissed as Bizarre Charlie Sheen Quote

Tokyo, 730am. The global community was reeling in shock today after multiple disasters struck the Tohoku region of Japan in the North West Pacific Ocean. An earthquake followed by a tsunami, followed by a nuclear meltdown. As local Tohoku farmer Tonka Asahi put it, “We Nippon used to tsunami and earthcrake and radiation. But all thlee at once? Give us a blake!” Continue Reading

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Posted in World News24 Comments

Local Man Finally Figures Out Where Libya Is

Local Man Finally Figures Out Where Libya Is

De Moines, IA – GlossyNews.com – Charles Pulowski was finally able to join co-workers in conversations about the political unrest in the middle east after examining a toy globe, belonging to his son, that was located in his living room earlier this week. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Mid-West Unrest Erupts

Mid-West Unrest Erupts

Authorities have now surrendered hope that blizzard conditions would dissuade the tens of thousands now holding candle light vigils in Cleveland, Ohio. The protesters stand defiant in the face of wind chill factors that would make a polar bear cuss his momma.

Apparently inspired by recent events in Egypt, people have taken to the streets of this teeming metropolis, their ranks increased by seemingly ordinary citizens who’ve traveled great distances to join in this historic moment. They want KISS in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Continue Reading

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Kim Jong Il Crush on Bill Richardson Intensifies after Latest Visit

Kim Jong Il Crush on Bill Richardson Intensifies after Latest Visit

Kim Jong Il is said to still be talking about the wonderful visit he had with his “American GI buddy” earlier this month.

Those who know Kim Jong Il intimately claim that it was no coincidence that Richardson was chosen to travel to North Korea to discuss various issues concerning nuclear power and tension with South Korea. They say Kim has a huge “man crush” on New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson. Continue Reading

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New Wikileaks Revelations are Worst Yet

New Wikileaks Revelations are Worst Yet

It now appears to observers that Wikileaks is a powerful and permanent force in world affairs. The apprehension of founder Julian Asshinge has become a call to arms for hundreds of anonymous kindred spirits. The bell has tolled on the farewell to governmental secrecy.

The most recent document dump is considered particularly damning. A secret so shocking has been revealed, even author Dan Brown considers it ‘a bit far-fetched.’ Continue Reading

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Posted in Top Stories, World News4 Comments

Something Unspeakable Happening On the AK Coast

Something Unspeakable Happening On the AK Coast

Cordova, Alaska 8:35 AM- There has been an apparent series of attacks on residents in the small Alaska coastal town of Cordova, approximately 100 miles south of Valdez, Alaska. More on this as we get it.

BREAKING NEWS: Cordova, Alaska 8:50 AM- Anchorage radio station AUNK has reported that the local police in Cordova, Alaska have been alerted to a series of attacks on citizens in various parts of the town that may be coordinated. Individuals appear to have been attacked by unknown assailants in numerous attacks. There is rumor that this could a form of terrorist attack. Continue Reading

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Posted in World News0 Comments

Victoria’s Secret Unveils Dubai-Chic Line, Not Literally

Victoria’s Secret Unveils Dubai-Chic Line, Not Literally

Victoria’s Secret has announced that it will be opening one of its first shops outside of North America—in Dubai of all places. While we can’t speak for the sanity of the folks who take care of expansion projects for the corporation, we have to wonder if possibly their bra straps were just a tad too tight when they chose this location to sell lingerie.

Authorities in Dubai will still arrest anyone indecently dressed, so women (and men) hoping to see the standard Victoria’s Secret offerings in the new shop will be quite disappointed. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, World News3 Comments

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