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France Protects Muslim Women’s Rights by Denying them Choice

France Protects Muslim Women’s Rights by Denying them Choice

The French National Assembly has voted overwhelmingly to ban burqas, with 335 in favor of the law and only one against it. This decision is in line with the international consensus that instead of what they do, what they say, or what they believe, women should be judged for how they look.

If the Senate and Constitutional Council approve the ban, it will go into effect in the fall. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, World News1 Comment

Castro Warns of Nuclear War. Blames “Damn Kids on Lawn.”

Castro Warns of Nuclear War. Blames “Damn Kids on Lawn.”

HAVANA, Cuba – (GlossyNews) Cuban leader, Fidel Castro, delighted Cuba’s Parliament with his first public appearance in over four years. A strong, healthy, and vigorous Castro amazed Cuba’s leaders and the assembled press corps alike with his deep grasp of international issues and prophetic warnings about the course of world events.

During his brief address, Castro warned that the world “was sitting on the brink of a nuclear holocaust that could engulf every nation on the planet and lead to the extinction of our species.” He then promptly placed the blame of these events on “all those damn kids who are always running around my grass. Continue Reading

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Posted in Top Stories, World News2 Comments

Bjork, Pirates, Determined To Help Iceland Out of Economic Hardship

Bjork, Pirates, Determined To Help Iceland Out of Economic Hardship

REYKJAVIK, Iceland (GlossyNews) — Pop singer Bjork (pronounced BEE-YORKKKKK, just like you are upchucking a bad pizza), always a fountainhead of new and eccentric ideas, has decided to help alleviate Iceland’s terrible economic problems.

Iceland, long a self reliant land, made a bad mistake by investing heavily in British stocks which plummeted in value during the current recession. Iceland teeters on bankruptcy. Continue Reading

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Posted in Travel, World News0 Comments

Britain Invades US Over 4th of July Humiliation

Britain Invades US Over 4th of July Humiliation

Great Britain has invaded the United States of America in a fit of irritation over the glee showed during Independence day festivities, and to win back the valuable territory lost in both the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812. An endless barrage of fireworks are shot off at night during this yearly event to symbolize the fight the young nation put up against a European power that they saw as being tyrannical.

“It wasn’t that bad.” states quasi Prime Minister David Cameron. “OK, we made them cough up a few extra shillings for their damned tea. So what? Now the damn bastards don’t even drink it anymore. Continue Reading

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Video Surfaces of Missing Glossy News Journalist

Video Surfaces of Missing Glossy News Journalist

SNOHOMISH, Washington (GlossyNewsSA) — It remains uncertain whether legendary correspondent Blake Pennywhistle is alive or dead, but recent developments at least hold reason for hope. A DVD was left taped to the coffee machine at Glossy News NYC headquarters, sometime between Thursday evening and Friday morning. Continue Reading

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Miners in Ghana Feared Dead or Taking Dives to Protest Working Conditions

Miners in Ghana Feared Dead or Taking Dives to Protest Working Conditions

ACCRA, Ghana (GlossyNews) — According to local officials in Ghana, at least 32 miners from Dunkwa Akyempim are feared dead after the gold mine they were working in collapsed from torrential rains. Although the accident occurred on Sunday, rescue efforts were hindered by flooding. International excavation experts say that because the mine was constructed as a pit, the influx of water would likely have pooled at the bottom and drowned the men within hours. Continue Reading

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US Declares Entire Gulf of Mexico a US Oil Reserve

US Declares Entire Gulf of Mexico a US Oil Reserve

WASHINGTON D.C. (GlossyNews) — The U.S. today decreed the Gulf of Mexico should be made into the Southern National Petroleum Reserve and should fall under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Military. Much like the little known National Petroleum Reserve that occupies most of northern Alaska adjacent to the oil wells in Prudhoe Bay, the Southern Petroleum Reserve will serve as an ongoing source of oil in the case of a national emergency. Continue Reading

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Greek Austerity Plan Revealed – The Gods are Not Pleased

Greek Austerity Plan Revealed – The Gods are Not Pleased

ATHENS, Greece (GlossyNews) — Today on Mt. Olympus, hearts were broken, tears were shed, and millennia long careers ended as the news was made official. In obedience to the EU bailout plan, Greece has reluctantly agreed; lots of gods and goddesses gotta go.

Delivery of the sad news fell to Minister for Deity Liaison Aristotle Gotapopolis, who later told Glossy News the reaction was decidedly mixed.

“Hera, she knew it was coming, Continue Reading

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Posted in World News5 Comments

Fatwa Declared Against GlossyNews Writer

Fatwa Declared Against GlossyNews Writer

LONDON, UK (GlossyNews) — A Fatwa has been declared against GlossyNews as a reaction to the thousands of articles ridiculing the Taliban, suicide bombers, Muslim clerics, Islamic law and a host of other things that seem strange and humorous to infidels. Internal GlossyNews security personnel issued a red alert throughout the elegant British headquarters at Number 12 Downing Street, which resides next to the Prime Minister’s offices. Continue Reading

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Obama Misses Asses, Falls Flat on His Own

Obama Misses Asses, Falls Flat on His Own

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) -– Americans were buoyed last week when President Obama declared he was ready to kick ass over the BP oil spill, fully expecting him to go out immediately and find whose ass to kick.

However, even with some of those responsible doing everything but actually bending down in front of him with a sign on their ass saying “kick me” it seems he still hasn’t done any kicking. Continue Reading

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Mexican Recovered from Gulf Oil Spill

Mexican Recovered from Gulf Oil Spill

Grand Isle, LA (GlossyNews) –A team of marine biologists recovered 120 specimens of wild life from the rapidly spreading oil spill off the coast of Louisiana Wednesday.

The team, comprised of staff and students from several Gulf Coast universities, volunteered to assist clean-up efforts while studying environmental impacts. While cleaning feathers and fur with dish detergent, Anne Fullerton, a student at Southern University in Baton Rouge, discovered what turned out to be a Mexican attempting to enter the U.S. illegally. Continue Reading

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Posted in World News4 Comments

Greece Accidentally Receives Loan for Musical

Greece Accidentally Receives Loan for Musical

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — On May 18, 2010, the economically embattled country of Greece received 14.5 billion euros ($17.9 billion USD) in aid from what Greek bankers presumed to be the European Union.

A banking official close to orchestrating a deal with the EU announced the following day, “The 14.5 billion euros was transferred to Greece a short while ago, through an anonymous donor that we believe to be the ECB [European Central Bank].” Continue Reading

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Stephen Hawking’s Basement Raided, Rare Historic Artifacts Found

Stephen Hawking’s Basement Raided, Rare Historic Artifacts Found

Cambridge, England – Acting on an anonymous tip, British police raided well-known physicist, Stephen Hawking’s basement, where it is reported that they found some incredible historical artifacts from various periods in history. Included with the artifacts was an urn which held the salty remains of Lot’s wife from Biblical times.

“It was unbelievable,” said one constable. “I mean, Lot’s wife, blimey, that’s almost the most amazing thing I think I’ve ever seen.” Continue Reading

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Chavez and Castro Now Facebook Friends

Chavez and Castro Now Facebook Friends

Bogota North, Colombia (GlossyNews) — Posted from a secure, undisclosed location by Glossy News South American correspondent in hiding.

Sources close to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez revealed a major diplomatic coup today; Fidel Castro has accepted Chavez’ friend request on Facebook. The ancient Cuban dictator, while not esteemed in the US, is widely respected throughout Latin America. The Castro seal of approval carries much weight among indigenous minorities who’ve long been oppressed by a succession of autocratic regimes. Continue Reading

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President Obama Detained at Phoenix Airport

President Obama Detained at Phoenix Airport

Phoenix, AZ (GlossyNews) -– President Barack Obama was detained for a brief period yesterday at the Phoenix, AZ Airport by TSA officials while police determined whether or not to arrest him for not having proper identification with him at the time he touched down in their state. President Obama was in Phoenix to speak at a fundraiser for Democratic candidates willing to take on the Republicans in this year’s Senate race. Continue Reading

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NRA Rushes Arms To Help Beleaguered Mexican Drug Cartels

NRA Rushes Arms To Help Beleaguered Mexican Drug Cartels

Boca Raton, NM (GlossyNews) — The National Rifle Association, (NRA), ever at hand to aid the munitionally deprived, is running to the aid of drug cartels in Northern Mexico. Noting that they are in need of arms and ammunition, they immediately sent down several truckloads of supplies to aid them in their ‘quest for freedom’.

“We are in support of their right to express themselves as described in the 1st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution (the freedom of speech).” stated NRA spokesman Will Tokill. “I know we usually only speak out in favor of the 2nd Amendment (the right to bear arms), but these are special circumstances. Continue Reading

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