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US Declares Entire Gulf of Mexico a US Oil Reserve

US Declares Entire Gulf of Mexico a US Oil Reserve

WASHINGTON D.C. (GlossyNews) — The U.S. today decreed the Gulf of Mexico should be made into the Southern National Petroleum Reserve and should fall under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Military. Much like the little known National Petroleum Reserve that occupies most of northern Alaska adjacent to the oil wells in Prudhoe Bay, the Southern Petroleum Reserve will serve as an ongoing source of oil in the case of a national emergency. Continue Reading

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Greek Austerity Plan Revealed – The Gods are Not Pleased

Greek Austerity Plan Revealed – The Gods are Not Pleased

ATHENS, Greece (GlossyNews) — Today on Mt. Olympus, hearts were broken, tears were shed, and millennia long careers ended as the news was made official. In obedience to the EU bailout plan, Greece has reluctantly agreed; lots of gods and goddesses gotta go.

Delivery of the sad news fell to Minister for Deity Liaison Aristotle Gotapopolis, who later told Glossy News the reaction was decidedly mixed.

“Hera, she knew it was coming, Continue Reading

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Fatwa Declared Against GlossyNews Writer

Fatwa Declared Against GlossyNews Writer

LONDON, UK (GlossyNews) — A Fatwa has been declared against GlossyNews as a reaction to the thousands of articles ridiculing the Taliban, suicide bombers, Muslim clerics, Islamic law and a host of other things that seem strange and humorous to infidels. Internal GlossyNews security personnel issued a red alert throughout the elegant British headquarters at Number 12 Downing Street, which resides next to the Prime Minister’s offices. Continue Reading

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Obama Misses Asses, Falls Flat on His Own

Obama Misses Asses, Falls Flat on His Own

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) -– Americans were buoyed last week when President Obama declared he was ready to kick ass over the BP oil spill, fully expecting him to go out immediately and find whose ass to kick.

However, even with some of those responsible doing everything but actually bending down in front of him with a sign on their ass saying “kick me” it seems he still hasn’t done any kicking. Continue Reading

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Mexican Recovered from Gulf Oil Spill

Mexican Recovered from Gulf Oil Spill

Grand Isle, LA (GlossyNews) –A team of marine biologists recovered 120 specimens of wild life from the rapidly spreading oil spill off the coast of Louisiana Wednesday.

The team, comprised of staff and students from several Gulf Coast universities, volunteered to assist clean-up efforts while studying environmental impacts. While cleaning feathers and fur with dish detergent, Anne Fullerton, a student at Southern University in Baton Rouge, discovered what turned out to be a Mexican attempting to enter the U.S. illegally. Continue Reading

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Greece Accidentally Receives Loan for Musical

Greece Accidentally Receives Loan for Musical

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — On May 18, 2010, the economically embattled country of Greece received 14.5 billion euros ($17.9 billion USD) in aid from what Greek bankers presumed to be the European Union.

A banking official close to orchestrating a deal with the EU announced the following day, “The 14.5 billion euros was transferred to Greece a short while ago, through an anonymous donor that we believe to be the ECB [European Central Bank].” Continue Reading

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Stephen Hawking’s Basement Raided, Rare Historic Artifacts Found

Stephen Hawking’s Basement Raided, Rare Historic Artifacts Found

Cambridge, England – Acting on an anonymous tip, British police raided well-known physicist, Stephen Hawking’s basement, where it is reported that they found some incredible historical artifacts from various periods in history. Included with the artifacts was an urn which held the salty remains of Lot’s wife from Biblical times.

“It was unbelievable,” said one constable. “I mean, Lot’s wife, blimey, that’s almost the most amazing thing I think I’ve ever seen.” Continue Reading

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Chavez and Castro Now Facebook Friends

Chavez and Castro Now Facebook Friends

Bogota North, Colombia (GlossyNews) — Posted from a secure, undisclosed location by Glossy News South American correspondent in hiding.

Sources close to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez revealed a major diplomatic coup today; Fidel Castro has accepted Chavez’ friend request on Facebook. The ancient Cuban dictator, while not esteemed in the US, is widely respected throughout Latin America. The Castro seal of approval carries much weight among indigenous minorities who’ve long been oppressed by a succession of autocratic regimes. Continue Reading

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President Obama Detained at Phoenix Airport

President Obama Detained at Phoenix Airport

Phoenix, AZ (GlossyNews) -– President Barack Obama was detained for a brief period yesterday at the Phoenix, AZ Airport by TSA officials while police determined whether or not to arrest him for not having proper identification with him at the time he touched down in their state. President Obama was in Phoenix to speak at a fundraiser for Democratic candidates willing to take on the Republicans in this year’s Senate race. Continue Reading

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NRA Rushes Arms To Help Beleaguered Mexican Drug Cartels

NRA Rushes Arms To Help Beleaguered Mexican Drug Cartels

Boca Raton, NM (GlossyNews) — The National Rifle Association, (NRA), ever at hand to aid the munitionally deprived, is running to the aid of drug cartels in Northern Mexico. Noting that they are in need of arms and ammunition, they immediately sent down several truckloads of supplies to aid them in their ‘quest for freedom’.

“We are in support of their right to express themselves as described in the 1st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution (the freedom of speech).” stated NRA spokesman Will Tokill. “I know we usually only speak out in favor of the 2nd Amendment (the right to bear arms), but these are special circumstances. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Wins Pulitzer Prize

Glossy News Wins Pulitzer Prize

Tonopah, NV Reuters — Humor news media titan Glossy News has won the Pulitzer in this year’s newly added “Best exploitation of a disaster” category. The committee cited GNN’s round the clock coverage from earthquake ravaged Hawaii. Media watchers were generally positive on the announcement, while acknowledging the race was always ‘too close to call.’

Washington Post’s Howard Kurtz said, “Exploiting disasters for higher ratings, well it’s our bread & butter, right? Privately I thought Geraldo had the edge for his Tiger Woods coverage. I mean, Geraldo is a disaster all by himself, so there was always chance for a double win. But there’s always next year.” Continue Reading

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Feds Arrest Christian Horse Militia for July 4th Plans

Feds Arrest Christian Horse Militia for July 4th Plans

Abercrombie, MI (GlossyNews) — Breaking News: A Christian militia, made up entirely of horses, was arrested today for planning a stampede through the middle of Main Street, USA on July 4th.

The leader of the herd, known only as Star, a wild Mustang from Utah, has confessed his organization was intent on creating anarchy Continue Reading

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Census Bureau Sued for Unfair Labor Practices.

Census Bureau Sued for Unfair Labor Practices.

Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — Hundreds of current and former 2010 Census workers filed a class action law suit today in Federal District Court charging the United States Census Bureau with a pattern of unfair labor practices against its employees.

Specific details of the lawsuit were yet to be released at press time, however, lawyers for the plaintiffs announced to the press via conference call, “The Census Bureau has and is enforcing a series of unrealistic and impossible standards on its employees under the guise of standard business practices that make it difficult for its employees to excel. These standards, while enforced relatively uniformly, are arbitrary and capricious Continue Reading

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Hitler Found Living in Mexico with Conjoined Jewish Twins

Hitler Found Living in Mexico with Conjoined Jewish Twins

MEXICO CITY, Mexico (GlossyNews) — Shocking reports out of Mexico City suggest that Adolf Hitler is alive and has been cohabitating with conjoined Jewish twins Golda and Miriam Slotski since 1962. “I saw him. I swear I did. I couldn’t believe my eyes, but I definitely saw him,” insisted Elvis impersonator, Joel Dixon. Continue Reading

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Jesus Added to ‘No Fly’ list

Jesus Added to ‘No Fly’ list

Cairo, Illinois (GlossyNews) TSA director Laurie Partridge faced harsh questions this week in her appearance before the House sub-Committee for Members We don’t know What to do With.

Ms. Partridge explained to the allegedly powerful HCMWW, the Savior of the world was in no way singled out; it shouldn’t be seen as a religion thing.

Sitting next to her legal counsel Adam Lambert, who was wearing a stylish red Versace leather jacket, Ms. Partridge said, “We don’t profile people, but we do profile people, right?” Continue Reading

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Pope to Pedophile Priests: Eat More Fish

Pope to Pedophile Priests: Eat More Fish

VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — It appears that Pope Benedict XVI has had an epiphany about the sex scandal continuing to plague the Catholic Church: lack of fish in a priest’s diet can lead to inappropriate sexual behavior toward young men.

The Pope has asked the Vatican physicians to look into this possibility, explaining that because priests are no longer officially required to abstain from consuming meat on Fridays, the levels of mercury in their systems from lack of fish has dropped significantly. Continue Reading

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