Archive | Politics

America Still Greatest Democracy in the World – CNN Poll

America Still Greatest Democracy in the World – CNN Poll

ATLANTA – A recent CNN poll of American citizens found that a solid majority (92%) believes that “the United States of America is still the greatest democracy in the world.”

Most poll respondents were clearly favorable toward American democracy. Their comments included:

“We’re definitely number 1.”

“We are the greatest country on earth. No question about it.”

“America is the greatest country I’ve ever seen.”

“Other countries just suck. Except Israel.”

“Even if other countries are better, we are still the greatest.”

“You mean: there are other countries?”

“America can kick the shit out of any other countries’ democracies. They’re just losers.”

“USA! USA!”

Most would agree. However, a few marginal critics of American democracy, such as Michael Moore, believe that exit poll deviations from official results prove that American elections are sometimes fraudulent. Moore has even called for UN supervision of US elections.

Yet the CNN poll showed that 66.6% also agreed with the statement: “Exit polls are an insult to American democracy and a total waste of time.”

American Exceptionalism Explained

So just how did America come to create a better democracy than in all other countries on the planet? Continue Reading

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Man Discovers Awful Truth, Shames Mass Media

Man Discovers Awful Truth, Shames Mass Media

WASHINGTON, D.C. 2017—Gerald Humphrey’s profound discovery began when he realized the American mainstream media’s treatment of Donald Trump’s Republican campaign for the presidency contrasted sharply with reality.

“CNN, the Associated Press, the New York Times, and all the other major news outlets in the United States kept taking Donald Trump much more seriously than I would have thought any curious and sane investigator would have a right to do,” said Gerald. “They kept listening to what Trump said at rallies or on Twitter and then they talked or wrote about it a lot, without ever mentioning the obvious truth. It dawned on me that a vast cover-up was unfolding.” Continue Reading

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Mother with Son ‘Bit Rough Around the Edges’ Endorses Hillary

Mother with Son ‘Bit Rough Around the Edges’ Endorses Hillary

Some are saying that the choice between Clinton and Trump really is an impossible one. An orange hued racist demagogue versus a blonde haired, blue eyed creepy Aryan interventionist. However, proud Mum Cabernet-Sauvignon Baxter of Brixton, London has just done the woman thaeng, and graciously defended the honour of future Nobel Peace Prize mass media photoshoot heroin heroine Hillary Rodham Clinton: Continue Reading

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Another Political First – The First VP Candidate named TIM

Another Political First – The First VP Candidate named TIM

Tim - Tim KaineHello. Tim Jones here. This presidential election year is historic in several ways. It is the first time in US history that:

• a woman has been nominated by a major political party as their presidential candidate
• a major political party has selected a narcissistic, bullying, sociopath as their standard bearer Continue Reading

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Breaking News: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump

Breaking News: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump

[Author’s Note: Tim Jones of the news website Glossy News, in an exclusive interview with Donald Trump, asked the presidential candidate to clarify his claim that President Obama was the “Founder of Isis.” Below is an excerpt from this revealing interview].

Trump interview - one on one - GNTim Jones / Glossy News: Mr. Trump, thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: Hey, you look familiar. Didn’t I throw you out of one of my rallies?

Glossy News: Um, I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Last week you said Obama was the Founder of Isis, and yet – Continue Reading

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Yorkshire Icepick Weekend: 6 Interesting Things I Learned from the Hyde Park Trots

Yorkshire Icepick Weekend: 6 Interesting Things I Learned from the Hyde Park Trots

Here are several hilarious scientific-socialite shitticisms I learned not so long ago from the Hyde Park Radical Hipster Kool-Aid Community of Yorkshire.

(By the way, before you ask, yes: they were all bitter, middle aged white boys with a massive, ice-pick-flavored vanilla-chip on their shoulder): Continue Reading

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Donald Trump will lose Bigly in November (by the numbers): Video

Donald Trump will lose Bigly in November (by the numbers): Video

The fans and haters demanded it, so here’s another fact-based analysis of why Donald Trump will lose, and lose BIGLY in November. (Scroll down for comments from YouTube.)

I’m not going on feelings or impressions, but the analytics provided by the myriad pollsters, the pollster analysts, and those analyzing the meta-analysis of the pollsters.

Donald Trump COULD still win, but the odds grow longer by the day. It ain’t pretty, if you’re him. Continue Reading

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“To be Finished Would be a Relief”: Solving the Mystery of Cameron’s Resignation Song

“To be Finished Would be a Relief”: Solving the Mystery of Cameron’s Resignation Song

The end of David Cameron’s tenure as Prime Minister was a hectic one to say the least. With the country practically imploding after Brexit, Cameron had to take the blame for the emerging crisis. But when Cameron started humming a tune after his resignation speech (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Gz6mZYxS0A) it made matters more amusing, but also sent the internet and media into a craze of wild guesses: what was Cameron humming?

Continue Reading

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Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

The Trump University Promise

At Trump University success is what it’s all about. Trump U is about a lot of things – but above all, how you can be successful by helping me become even more successful by enrolling in Trump University. You can enroll in our Business Entrepreneur Success curriculum for slightly more than the amount you’ve accumulated in your retirement nest egg. Enrollment is now open for Fall 2016. Check out some of my incredible courses. You’re going to love it. I guarantee it. – Donald J. Trump Continue Reading

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Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter

Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter

[Author’s Note: Glossy News’ Tim Jones was granted an exclusive interview with Donald Trump. He asked the Republican presidential nominee how he could still be running neck and neck with Hillary Clinton despite his repeated instances of inflammatory rhetoric and offensive remarks.]

Glossy News: Good afternoon, Mr. Trump. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: My pleasure. Let’s Make America Great Again. Would you like one of my baseball caps?

GN: I’m good. Thanks. Mr. Trump, the latest Quinnipiac poll shows you just two percentage points behind your Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton. How do you explain that you are running neck and neck –

Trump: I prefer to say ‘I’m breathing down her neck.’ Sexy, eh?

GN: Ahem, yes, well, how do you explain your continued success, given the endless list of offensive comments you have made about Mexicans, Muslims, women, gays, and other minority groups?

Trump: You left out people with disabilities.

GN: Oh right, yes, them as well. How is it that, despite all that, you’re still in a virtual dead heat for the presidential election?

Trump: Beats the Hell out of me. Wish I could explain it. Every day, I huddle with my advisors to strategize about how I can submarine my chances, but it seems no matter what I come up with, my poll numbers stay strong.

GN: I’m sorry. Did I hear you correctly? Are you saying you don’t actually want to be president?

Trump: Are you kidding me? What kind of idiot would want the worst job in the world? As president, no matter what you say or do, some knucklehead will attack you for being anti-American or a Muslim sympathizer or a loser – just like I do about Obama every chance I get.

GN: So you really don’t want to be president?

Trump: In my worst nightmares! Why else do you think I said John McCain wasn’t a real war hero? Why on earth would I say Mexicans are rapists or refuse to disavow a notorious racist like David Duke? I’ve done everything I can to lose this election. Nothing seems to work. I was sure my comment in the debates about the size of my penis would end my chances then and there, but nope. People loved it. Especially women. Go figure.

GN: So, help me understand, Mr. Trump. If you don’t want to be our next president, why on earth are you running?

Trump: It’s all about the brand. If you think the Trump brand was big before, that’s nothing compared to my brand now. Mine is the most famous name on the planet. I’m YUUUGE! The media can’t get enough of me. No matter what I say, I keep attracting more followers. Can I tell you about Trump University?

GN: Maybe another time. So it’s all about the Trump brand. Nothing else?

Trump: Bingo. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love this country. Where else could I make billions of dollars simply by running for President and posting tweets from my hotel room. Nobody is better at marketing than Donald J. Trump. But to your point, nobody wants Hillary to win more than I do. Trust me. Here, have a baseball cap.

GN: Thank you again, but really, I’m good. And speaking of your Make America Great Again caps, aren’t they made in China?

Trump: Yes. To be more specific, in child-labor sweat shops. You’d think people would get upset about that, but they just don’t seem to care. They tell me “Way to go, Donald, for helping all those poor kids find jobs.”

GN: So what else are you trying to ensure you lose the election?

Trump: I’m constantly brainstorming with my senior campaign staff to conceive even more offensive statements to tank my campaign.

GN: Mind sharing a few?

Trump: Sure. Last week, we came up with what I thought was a brlliant idea. I tweeted out, “Ronald Reagan was a closet homosexual.” I figured it would outrage lifelong Republicans.

GN: Wow! Did it help?

Trump - losing the election - Finger pointingTrump: Nope. My poll numbers went up four percentage points. One person tweeted, and I quote, “I find Mr. Trump’s comments about our greatest president deeply disturbing. And yet, I find his words oddly appealing and heartfelt.”

GN: That must keep you up at night.

Trump: Tell me about it. A few days later, I tweeted, “Teenage girls are super-hot. If elected, I’ll make it legal to have sex with girls under 18.”

GN: Ouch. Pretty offensive, that’s for sure. What happened?

Trump: On the bright side, my support among women dropped by two percent. But my support from white men over 30 surged by 12%. I can’t win. I mean, I can’t lose – no matter how hard I try.

GN: So are you concerned you might actually win?

Trump: I’m starting to be, yes. I’ve worked extremely hard to attain the worst approval ratings of any presidential candidate in history. I currently have an unheard of 70% unfavorable rating! And yet, yesterday, in a CNN interview with Wolf Blitzer, who is Jewish by the way, I said “I love the Jews. Love their matzah bread. But why are all of you such cheap tightwads?”

VFTB: Okay, I’ll bite. What happened?

Trump: My approval ratings among Jewish voters went up five points.

VFTB: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an uncle who is really tight with his money.”

GN: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an aunt who is really tight with her money. And would it hurt her to get a nose job? She sure has the money.”

GN: So what are you going to do about it?

Trump: Clearly I need to up my game. I’m working on a tweet for tomorrow about how we should allow any kid over the age of seven to carry an assault weapon to school for protection. That should send the gun control wing nuts over the edge. I also plan to announce next week that I’ve narrowed down my list of possible VP candidates to Pee Wee Herman and Charlie Sheen. If that doesn’t work, my Hail Mary fallback plan is to tweet that Jesus was the Antichrist.

GN: That’s highly offensive. Good luck with that. But I have to ask, Mr. Trump, given that no matter how outrageous your remark, it doesn’t seem to hurt your poll numbers, have you thought about what you’ll do if you actually win the election next November?

Trump: God forbid I’m elected, I would immediately move to impeach myself.

GN: On what grounds?

Trump: I was thinking of having three-way sex in the Oval Office with Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin and posting a live feed of it and breaking into an episode of Sesame Street.

GN: Good luck with that. Thank you for your time.

Trump: It was my pleasure. Make America Great Again. Wanna have a hat?

GN: Um, sure. Why not. Thank you.

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Breaking News: USA Votes to Leave North America

Breaking News: USA Votes to Leave North America

(Washington, D.C.) In the wake of Great Britain’s recent populist-led decision to leave the European Union, momentum gathered quickly for the United States to follow suit. In a flurry of referendum-lobbying activity, spurred on primarily by Donald Trump and his vocal supporters, citizens went to the polls yesterday, and in one of the closest margins in history – 50.1% to 49.9% – voted officially to exit the continent of North America.

The “AMEXIT” decision, as it is being called, has stunned global leaders, who, while fearful of other European nations following Britain’s lead, had no idea it might incite the United States to do the same. When asked to comment on the decision, President Obama, clearly agitated and confused, held a brief press conference in which he opined, “How did this happen? This will be disastrous for our country. Are we a nation of idiots?”

Upon learning that the United States had decided to withdraw from the continent, Donald Trump tweeted, “We are making America, I mean, the United States, great again. No longer under the thumb of the oppressive North American dictatorship.”

Political experts are unclear what the impact of the United States’ withdrawal will be, starting with what to call the country moving forward, since as one political observer pointed out, “Well, it’s obviously no longer the United States OF AMERICA, is it?” So far, none of the proposed new names have garnered much support, including: “The country formerly known as the United States of America,” and “The United States of It’s None of Your Business.” Others have suggested discarding the USA brand completely and simply calling the nation “Trumpistan.”

The Dow Jones plummeted more than 9,000 points in the opening 20 minutes of trading after the news. In more bad news for the economy, the U.S. dollar lost 35% of its value by the end of trading, causing a panic among investors. Many financial experts believe a deep economic depression on par with the 1929 crash is inevitable. On the positive side, Mr. Trump argued that this was actually great news for the country, saying, “Why is everybody freaking out? This will be incredible for tourism. People from Europe and even CHINA will visit our country and buy a lot more stuff and spend tons of money at Trump hotels and resorts, now that everything is so cheap for them.”

It’s unclear exactly what drove the sudden push to exit North America. When asked why they voted to secede, pro-AMEXITers gave a variety of vague responses often supported by confusing reasoning. Ned Moronovitch of Biloxi, Mississippi explained, “I want my country back. I’m sick and tired of having to do whatever North America tells us to do. I’ve had enough!” When it was pointed out that the continent of North America doesn’t actually have any control over the decisions of the United States, Moronovitch replied, “You sound like a communist. Are you a commie?”

AMEXIT - Trump rallyAnother AMEXIT supporter, Darlene Lemming, of Murfreesboro, Arkansas, passionately defended her vote, saying, “I refuse to sit here and just let any old Mexican, Guatemalan or Canadian walk across my border to take my job – without even having to show a passport.” When it was explained to her that they can’t actually do that, and that it’s not like the open borders of the European Union, Ms. Lemming replied, “Oh yeah? Well that’s not what my cousin Buford says. He says the Mexican murderers are taking over our country so we have to stop that.”

Still another AMEXIT supporter, Jeb Haitemahl, from Spartanburg, South Carolina, argued forcefully that this move was long overdue: “It’s about time. Let’s make the USA great again.” When pressed for details as to how this would make the USA great, Haitemahl simply said, “Well, I heard that Hillary was a North American, so now she can’t run for president – which is great by me! I sure hope we build that wall on our northern and western borders too!”

An interesting perspective on a reason to back the LEAVE vote came from Bert Nottaclew, of Nome, Alaska, who said, “I’m sick of having to be stuck up here in snowy, cold North America. I can’t wait for this great country to get outta Dodge and move some place warmer. Do you think they might move the country to the Caribbean? That would be fricken’ awesome!”

The domestic and global implications of the separation are as yet unclear. For example, experts are debating whether this vote might create the long-sought opportunity to finally kick out Texas. It is anticipated that the North American withdrawal process will create scores of logistical headaches as government agencies scramble to figure out exactly what this decision means.

Senior administration officials express concern that there are no provisions in federal statutes, case law or the Constitution itself to provide guidance as to how to leave a continent. In more hopeful news, Donald Trump has indicated that he knows exactly how to do it and has an amazing plan, promising that the resulting new nation will be a YUGE improvement. But so far details of his plan have not been released.

Shortly after the decision to exit North America, Google announced that the top two internet searches in the first 24 hours after the vote were “What is North America?” and “Am I an idiot?”

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Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (2/2)

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (2/2)

So, is Red Ken actually trans-Jewish after all? Let’s see what me old China has to say.

Eh! Tell yer what lad, that’s well nice!

Eh! Ah think Ah could actually be a trans-Jewish meself, cos, yer know, know what Ah mean, me ‘as ad a nice WELL GOOD bagel the other day in the Islington EcoVedanta Smoothie Cafe, it went down a fahcking treat, did that! Continue Reading

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