Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

Activists from the EU referendum Remain Campaign are continuing with plans to pursue criminal prosecutions for many of those who voted to leave the EU.

‘We do not wish to be divisive or retaliatory,’ said a spokesman for the activists, ‘but advice from our legal team confirms that many Brexit voters may be guilty of negligence – and some may be guilty of treason. We believe it to be our public duty to bring these unspeakable criminals to justice.’ Read more Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

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Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (2/2): Jihadi Jez Advocates Screening Out Asylum Seekers

Asylum seeking is not a matter of mere individual self-interest; rather, it should serve the greater good of society and the economy. So, I think if we’re going to have asylum seekers, we need to ensure that any asylum seekers with covert neoliberal and capitalist sympathies should be purged.

Lily Allen recently did a good job of scouting for any uncongenially bourgeois asylum seekers with iPods, fancy wallets or more than one and a half pair of shoes.

It seems that the genuine, meritoriously poverty-stricken asylum seeker community have already been infiltrated by the malevolent neoliberal bourgeoisie.

We’re going to have to work out what to do with any of the asylum seekers who don’t toe the party line.

I was reading a history book the other day in the Islington Ecovedanta Meta-Vegan Cafe, and I think I’m starting to formulate a cunning, erm, a perfectly dialectically rigorous and scientifically socialist plan to deal with the problem of bourgeois roaders and malevolent neoliberal conspirators among the asylum seeker community.

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Idea derived from Newsbiscuit discussion:
Check these guys out!

Read more Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (2/2): Jihadi Jez Advocates Screening Out Asylum Seekers

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Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (1/2): ‘Dirty Bread’ Shocker

The unelectable Sanders didn’t get the Democratic nomination, the electable HRC didn’t get elected, and the bizarre Donald is now leader.

But what about the allegedly unelectable 80s socialist leader from across the pond, who is now leading the Labour Party? Here’s a bit of a blast from the past.

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Jeremy Corbyn has been caught red-handed buying discounted bread. Here’s a quote from Johnny Littledick of the Hourly Fail: Read more Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (1/2): ‘Dirty Bread’ Shocker

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Newscasters Normalize their Relations with Our Alien Overlord Tromp

Major media personalities strive to retain their credibility after being forced to appear naked on television by our alien overlord Tromp.

Tromp, the mastermind of the invasion from Pluto, created mass panic when he landed in the United States in November, 2016 in a fleet of golden skyscraper-shaped spacecraft. But the corporate media calmed the public by normalizing Tromp’s incursions into what had hitherto been a conventional state of affairs. Read more Newscasters Normalize their Relations with Our Alien Overlord Tromp

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Will The Real Donald Trump Please Stand Up?

In early November 2016, Scotland’s first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, expressed more clearly than many other world leaders the hope that Donald Trump, when in office, would be very different from the Donald Trump she had witnessed on the presidential campaign trail.

Comments attributed to Mr Trump while campaigning have led many to accuse him of being racist, sexist, and discriminatory towards people with disabilities – to name just three character traits that have met with liberal-minded disapproval.

If Ms Sturgeon and others are to have their wish fulfilled, however, Mr Trump, after entering the White House on 20th January 2017, will need to consistently demonstrate liberal, tolerant, non-discriminatory opinions and behaviour.

Suppose this did indeed occur. Imagine that the first act of the new president was to personally champion the cause of disabled, Mexican, Muslim women. Many would wonder what could possibly have led to such an apparent transformation.

In such circumstances, the following might be rationales to consider – doubtless all would be proposed:

1 – The CIA – or the shape-shifting, lizard-like aliens who control the world – had replaced Donald Trump with a liberal look-alike.

2 – A divine messenger had shown up in the Oval Office, pointed out that Mr Trump was in his latter years and explained that God remained undecided about whether the president’s final elevator journey should be up or down.

3 – Donald Trump had been part of an elaborate hoax for a US reality TV show. The writers had constructed a character from a composite of least desirable presidential characteristics. Then, somehow, it had all got out of hand.

4 – Donald Trump had been a really nice guy after all and had wished to be president to do good in the world. He had lied to get elected as he had correctly calculated that only a racist, sexist bigot could hope to win the hearts and minds of more than half the US population. Also, the Ku Klux Clan vote could have been a clincher.
This scenario has an interesting corollary in that Mr Trump’s alleged threats to go after his opponents after the election could transform into him targeting his own supporters. He might passionately castigate those who elected him, saying how disgusted he was by their behaviour and telling them that their appalling attitudes had no place in the modern world.

5 – Donald Trump had always been the ideal president. He had been targeted with a misinformation campaign by a biased media – a media that had been supporting a political elite who had become out of touch with, and had ceased to care about, ordinary US citizens.

6 – Donald Trump had really been as bigoted as the liberals had feared. He had discovered, however, that, as president, the pragmatics of balancing complex political factors, both at home and overseas, constrained his words and actions. He had been forced to concede that a president is not nearly as powerful as one might think.

When will the real Donald Trump reveal himself?

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Newt Volunteers/Threatens to Join Mars One-Way Mission (If Not Appointed to Cabinet)

(NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE: HERE’S A QUICK AND DIRTY ONE FROM BRIAN. NOW, I WONDER WHO THAT REMINDS YOU OF?)

Fallow bucket of human compost and erstwhile DC King Maker Newton Leroy Gingrich has put up his name as a possible applicant for a one-way mission to Mars…

That is, assuming he can’t secure a cabinet position in Trump’s administration.

Successor to Tom Foley and human embodiment of Mr. Potato Head Newt Gingrich has already pointed out his months of suckling up to the dry teat of the Trump campaign (despite only twice getting his parking validated), and is already seeking a new level of validation. He wants to be the first post-menopausal man on Mars, if he can’t get a place in Trump’s cabinet. Read more Newt Volunteers/Threatens to Join Mars One-Way Mission (If Not Appointed to Cabinet)

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Frantic, Last Ditch Effort To Throw The Election- Hacked Trump Emails Exposed

On the eve of the 2016 U.S. Presidential elections the notorious expose website Wakileaks has released thousands of hacked emails from Donald Trump’s private server. The exact source of the email leak has not been officially ascertained, but it is suspected that they originated from the tiny hermit kingdom of Bhutan which is known to have only one computer powered by 10 D batteries taped together. It is believed that the hermit Buddhist nation wants to throw the election over to the Hillary side.

Foremost amongst the emails are nude photo attachments of Melania Trump which the world news media, mostly men, have spent most of their time investigating. Of lesser interest to them are the coup plots against other sovereign nations, casino money laundering, shady business deals with the Russians and plans for building Alaskan gulags for registered Democrats.

Outstanding amongst the exposed emails are: Read more Frantic, Last Ditch Effort To Throw The Election- Hacked Trump Emails Exposed

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What the Presidential Candidates Are Doing—Right This Moment

With the Election mercifully only hours away, the three major candidates (and one cameo candidate) are done putting the final touches on their respective Frankenstein campaigns. Using an unholy combination of satanic ritual coupled with classified NSA technology that hasn’t been leaked just yet, GlossyNews is pleased to reveal what each candidate is doing right this moment.

Gary Johnson–Libertarian:

1) Imagining there is a zero behind his poll numbers.

2) Revisiting his debate points and pretending he actually rated debating.

3) Regretting deleting all his porn.

4) Listening to Kaleo–“Way Down We Go” while he slowly rocks back and forth.

5) Applying for Canadian citizenship.

Hillary Clinton–Democrat:

1) Pondering how to gracefully never invite Beyonce and Jay Z to the White House. Read more What the Presidential Candidates Are Doing—Right This Moment

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Trump is Right – Proof that the Election is Rigged

Donald Trump has alleged the 2016 presidential election has been rigged against him and that the only possible way he can lose will be because of fraud and collusion. As a noted investigative reporter, I felt it was my journalistic duty to check into these shocking allegations and uncover whether his claims could be substantiated. It turns out Donald Trump is correct. The election IS rigged against him. The proof is extensive and conclusive. Read more Trump is Right – Proof that the Election is Rigged

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Theresa May to Rename Conservative Party ‘National-Socialist Party’

After her recent ‘success’ with the notorious Snooper’s Charter, Theresa ‘Jihadi Tess’ May is now planning to conduct yet another Cameroneque image change for her right-wing party, the Conservatives.

One anonymous source close to the eagle’s mouth tells me: Read more Theresa May to Rename Conservative Party ‘National-Socialist Party’

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Muslims Report Stuff

At the second presidential debate, a Muslim member of the Town Hall audience asked Donald Trump what could be done to reduce the intense level of Islamophobia. Trump replied with what many Americans think is an outstanding solution to address these concerns and help Make America Safe Again: “We have to be sure that Muslims come in and report when they see something going on.”

What a brilliant idea. It appears Muslims by the thousands are embracing his advice – by taking to Twitter to report anything they witness in their Muslim community that seems suspicious. There’s even a Twitter hashtag they’ve created: #MuslimsReportStuff (honest!). Below are some tweets typical of what you’ll find there. Read more Muslims Report Stuff

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Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters

In the final run-up to the US presidential elections, Hillary Clinton is hoping to ensure victory by winning-over the one demographic group that Donald Trump has yet failed to insult or alienate.

That group consists of white American men without a college degree. Much of the threat posed by Donald Trump comes from this group who represented nearly half of all voters in 2012.

A draft transcript of Clinton’s forthcoming speech has been obtained by this site and is reproduced below:

Today, I want to speak to a very important section of our society. I want to address those whose hard work and self-sacrifice made America the great country it is today.

I’m referring, of course, to you uneducated, white guys.

I want you all to put down those cans of beer, burgers and bottles of mayonnaise and listen to me for five minutes before you next go out to buy meth or shoot someone.

The future of America is in your hands, and I believe that you all need to take that responsibility very seriously.

I want you to think for a minute about the demographic – that’s a big word that means the group in society – to which you belong. You are uneducated white males. The clue’s in the name.

It might not be your fault that you’re not so smart. Maybe inbreeding or other factors mean you didn’t start out very bright. It’s the way things have turned out, however, and it would be as crazy to deny that as it would be to deny you are fellow Americans.

I’m not saying you’re not wonderful, hardworking guys. Our great country would collapse tomorrow if it wasn’t for all the unskilled, menial jobs you do. I want you to imagine, however, that you needed brain surgery. Would you ask a buddy to do it or would you try to find an educated doctor? If you were taking a plane, would you want an educated pilot to fly it or would you be happy for Homer Simpson to give it a go?

I’m willing to bet that, after you’d thought as hard as you could about it, at least half of you would want your brain surgeon or pilot to be educated, even if your buddy would do the job for a pack of beers.

I want those of you who would choose an educated brain surgeon or pilot to now ask yourselves why you would make that choice.

Would it be because an educated brain surgeon or pilot would know what they were doing? Maybe you think you’d have a better chance of surviving the operation or the flight.

Voting for a president is like doing brain surgery or flying that plane. There are a lot of complicated things to think about when you’re a president, and working out who could do the job best is really hard.

I’m appealing to all you uneducated white guys not to vote on November 8.

If a loved one needed that brain surgery, you’d owe it to them to get the very best surgeon. Each of you really know, deep in your hearts, that you wouldn’t be clever enough to be certain of picking the right person.

It’s just the same with this great land we all love. You owe it to your kids, your family, this wonderful country and the world, to not even try thinking about picking a president.

I say again to you all: “don’t vote”. Leave big choices to those with better brains.

America needs you to just stay in bed, watch TV and have another beer on November 8.

You know it’s the right thing to do.

You know, deep down, that it’s what God wants you to do.

Thank you.

God bless America.

God bless America.

Read more Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters

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Breaking News: Woman Claims Trump Didn’t Grope Her

A woman from Broken Springs, Michigan has come forward to insist that Donald Trump has not groped her, despite many opportunities to do so. Allison McGregor, a 47-year-old housekeeper who used to work at Trump’s Mar-o Lago hotel/resort in Florida, told Fox News today that the real estate broker used to visit the hotel at least once a week and on exactly zero occasions did he sexually assault her. Read more Breaking News: Woman Claims Trump Didn’t Grope Her

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Republicans Praised for Reducing Stigma for Psychopaths

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.–The National Institute of Mental Health congratulated the Republican Party for helping to accustom Americans to those with mental illness, by elevating obvious psychopaths to positions of high office.

Doctor Fernando Lamas, chairman of the Institute, said at a press conference that Republican voters have done the United States “a great service, showing more so-called progressive Americans that those with antisocial disorders–who are typically demonized in popular horror films–can be entrusted with political power as long as we shirk our civic duties and learn to keep lowering our standards for acceptable public behaviour.” Read more Republicans Praised for Reducing Stigma for Psychopaths

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“I, for one, am not an anti-Neoliberal”

On the one hand, people who claim neoliberalism exists say that Hayek thought capitalism and free markets could aid democracy, but if not, well too bad!

But on the other hand, people who claim neoliberalism exists say that Hayek was predicting an inevitable slide into servitude (rather than hypothesising about potential risks).

Which one is the true one?

The reason I don’t trust the usual lines of assertion and rhetoric regarding Hayek and Friedman is that people try to have it both ways. They want to associate Hayek and Friedman with the pernicious ‘Washington Consensus’ of crony capitalism, but they also want to be taken seriously as people acquainted with the writings of Hayek and Friedman.

But everyone who has read even a little Hayek and Friedman knows that they were at best deeply sceptical, and at worst pretty critical, of continental-level or global-level crony capitalist institutionalism.

As you can see already, I am not defending this or that element of what they have written; that’s not the point here. I am merely pointing out that any association of scholars sceptical of global-institutional/continental-institutional ‘crony capitalism’ with the very same objects of their scepticism, or even criticism, can only ever stem either from cynicism, a lack of intelligence, or a lack of serious acquaintance with their writings.

And this is really not a grey area at all. Have you read the chapter near the end of ‘The Road to Serfdom’ where Hayek lays this all out fairly neatly?

Ultimately, the myth of neoliberalism risks severely discrediting intelligent and rational critics of globalist crony-capitalism; just as 9/11 Truthers, anti-vaxxers, and Ickean lizard-hunters risk imperilling the cause of non-interventionism.

The Vast Neoliberal Conspiracy is a busted spunk, and it needs to be binned, if people have the merest whit of ethical seriousness about the substantial limitations of globalist crony capitalism.

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Adapted from my comments at the Facebook Group: Zizek and the Slovenian School. Further adapted from a post at Jonathan Arts and Critique.
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