Archive | War Zone

Blair: My Critics on Iraq Should Check Their Privilege (2/2)

Blair: My Critics on Iraq Should Check Their Privilege (2/2)

The problem isn’t so much about not listening to voters.

No, the problem is when the views of mere fallible, imperfect, and often downright ignorant and uneducated voters of mere mortal flesh and blood are…

I mean, the problem is when the mundanely average common man’s prejudices are somehow, you know, treated as some kind of abstract, default, standard, disreputably vanillaesque norm…

Yes, the problem is the tyranny of all these merely opportunistic and ignorant assumptions which are, as it were, you see, for some mysteriously undisclosed reason or another, to be somehow considered as ‘common sense.’

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Blair: My Critics on Iraq Should Check Their Privilege (1/2)

Blair: My Critics on Iraq Should Check Their Privilege (1/2)

Dynamic and charismatic political figure Tony Blair has recently made another helpful intervention, in order to clear up any confused ideas any mere ‘ordinary people’ may be stubbornly clinging to.

Yes, the former Middle East peace envoy and architect of innumerable sweepingly successful and highly lauded humanitarian interventions…

Has recently been so kind as to educate his foolish and benighted critics on where they are going wrong.

Assuming an uncustomarily longwinded and pedagogical stance, Blair twitched: Continue Reading

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Assad Needs To be Taken Out Now

Assad Needs To be Taken Out Now

There are Syrian refugees risking their lives fleeing to the shores of Greece and overrunning every country between their homeland and Germany.

Many of those staying behind are being brutally murdered and maimed in their own homes and streets.

The finances and resources of the countries taking in the refugees are being badly strained. Great unrest is being fomented in all the lands surrounding Syria.

This is basically all because of one man- Bashar al-Assad, the President of Syria. Continue Reading

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Doctors Without Borders Invests in Body Armor, Bunkers

Doctors Without Borders Invests in Body Armor, Bunkers

The medical charity Doctors Without Borders is stocking up on body armor, underground bunkers, and armored vehicles. It’s unusual for the group of volunteer doctors to take such measures, but recent attacks by the United States have made it necessary.

“No one wants people to survive in a war zone,” said the organization’s General Director, Christopher Stokes. “We have powerful enemies, enemies who are eager to murder us and anyone in our vicinity, civilians, doctors, anyone.”

A spokesman for the United States military confirmed this. “Our job is to kill people. These doctors are getting in the way when they save lives.” Continue Reading

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Putin Puts In His Pugnacious Presence to Punitively Preempt and Perhaps Plunder the Syrian Proceedings Plight

Putin Puts In His Pugnacious Presence to Punitively Preempt and Perhaps Plunder the Syrian Proceedings Plight

Obama and other world leaders were sitting around the UN private lounge contemplating what to do about the Syrian crisis that was disturbing all of the Mideast and Europe. Depression had set in due to the difficulties that had arisen over the situation that seemed to escalate no matter what their efforts were. And it all was basically because of one man- Bashar al-Assad, the dictator of Syria.

The X-Box like control mechanism that determined the bombings of the day lay on a table between them. No one had the enthusiasm to touch it.

Suddenly the door burst open and an energetic presence entered.

“Greetings Comrades. I am here to solve the Syrian problem!” The unusually smiley face of Vladimir Putin greeted all the seated dignitaries as he hurriedly went around the circle of sofas shaking hands. “I am the answer to all your difficulties!” Continue Reading

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LBJ’s Human Rights Lecture to Glossy News Readers

LBJ’s Human Rights Lecture to Glossy News Readers

Hey, everybody! It’s yer best buddy Jumbo Johnson here! Everybody loves a bit of good old NON-GOVERNMENTAL Human Rights Organization shit, huh?

That’s right, bitches! Time for one damn fine bit of unpatriotic pinko analysis of the notable patriotic human rights NGO, Freedom House!

Ooo, SHIT! I LIIIIKE the sounda THAT!

Well hey, baby! Everybody loves freedom, right?! Continue Reading

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Gingrich Clarifies/Muddies ‘ISIS Contract’ Situation (1/2)

Gingrich Clarifies/Muddies ‘ISIS Contract’ Situation (1/2)

Bill Clinton has stuck his stiff neck above the parapet and wantonly defamed Newt Gingrich for his ISIS apologism.

Don’t vote for this cynical, Mafiaesque “contract-killing” bastard, if he ever runs for office.

Yeah, vote for someone really good, like… Continue Reading

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GOP/Dems War Duet: You Gotta Save Somebody 

GOP/Dems War Duet: You Gotta Save Somebody 

Someone has decided to rewrite Bob Dylan’s Gotta Serve Somebody, to fit the current climate in 2015.

The song has not been well received in Washington. Continue Reading

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Beltway Guerrilla (Hawkwind Parody)

Beltway Guerrilla (Hawkwind Parody)

Wallace Runnymede has written a parody of Hawkwind’s classic ‘Urban Guerrilla.’

But so far, he is still breathing.

Wonder why? 😉

I’m a Beltway guerrilla

Trade wars to the highest seller Continue Reading

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Who Committed Mass Atrocities in the Balkans? (2/2)

Who Committed Mass Atrocities in the Balkans? (2/2)

Last time:

Q: Who gets to decide what is a ‘Genocide’ or a ‘Crime Against Humanity,’ and what is merely a series of purportedly less serious war crimes or atrocities?

A: Whoever has the power to do so.

It’s as simple as that. No need to overthink it.

Yes: the official narrative on the very complex Balkans conflict is no more morally reputable than the ravings of David Irving who (as is well enough known) tried to challenge the well-established facts on the vile mass atrocities committed by the Nazis. Continue Reading

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Who Committed Mass Atrocities in the Balkans? (1/2)

Who Committed Mass Atrocities in the Balkans? (1/2)

Quick question:

Who was it that committed mass atrocities in the Balkans? Continue Reading

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Brown Irishmen Six: A Song of Fury

Brown Irishmen Six: A Song of Fury

Last night another innocent, peaceful person died in an “unknown” land.

When the body of this person was pulled from the rubble in an unknown city in a certain Middle Eastern country, this message, along with a photo, was found in his breast pocket. By some miracle, the text was still intact.

The woman in the picture looked like an Irish woman, and the humorous, teasing shamrocks on the underside of the photo would appear to confirm this. Continue Reading

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unimaginable Happened – Part 7 – the Iraq Factor

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unimaginable Happened – Part 7 – the Iraq Factor

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unimaginable Happened – Part 7 – The Iraq Factor
(A serial book excerpt)
After President Bush is killed when Flight 93 strikes the White House on 9/11, Vice President Cheney ascends to the throne. Things begin to change quite radically:

READ THEM HERE: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6.
– – – – – – – – – – – – –

Part 7 – The Iraq Factor

McGurty was ushered into the office. Cheney stood up to meet him. Continue Reading

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U.S. Steps Up Iraq’s Military Training by Attaching American Heads to Iraqi Bodies

U.S. Steps Up Iraq’s Military Training by Attaching American Heads to Iraqi Bodies

Dateline: ARLINGTON COUNTY—American military officials order surgical attachment of American soldiers’ heads to the bodies of Iraqi soldiers to improve Iraq’s military training.

Prior efforts to train democratic Iraq’s military have been stymied. Instead of fighting Islamic State insurgents, Iraq’s soldiers became infamous for fleeing the battlefield, allowing waves of IS fighters to control key sectors of Iraq.

“The problem,” says U.S. General Buttercup, “was the training that had already been done not just in Iraq but throughout the Middle East. Those folks had trained for decades to be tribal theocrats, to be Sunni, Shia, and so on. Their traditions go back many centuries.

“For example, IS fighters are Sunni and most of Northern and Northwestern Iraq is also Sunni. Iraq’s government is dominated now by Shias, so the Sunni soldiers and tribesmen don’t want to fight fellow Sunnis. Nor do they want to fight for their Shia leaders.”

“It’s a case of a clash of indoctrinations,” says an American military psychologist. “Muslim sectarianism is deep-seated, because the Middle Eastern countries are tribal, meaning that from a very early age Muslims are taught to identify with only a subset of Muslims, not to mention other humans. That’s the start of their extensive training.

“Now Americans want to retrain Iraq’s soldiers’ to be liberal humanists, to see past their tribal and religious allegiances. Alas, each soldier has only one brain. American training techniques are unparalleled, but no matter how hard you train a brain that’s already been thoroughly trained to adhere to a vastly different mindset, you’ll run out of room in that brain to store your memes and mores.”

General Buttercup concurs with that analysis. “I told President Obama from the start,” says Buttercup. “We’ve got to give those already-trained Iraqis a second brain. Their brains were full of Muslim nonsense before Bush had invaded Iraq. We spent a decade and hundreds of millions of dollars training Iraq’s military to fight for Western values and interests. But how could even all of that overcome centuries of Middle Eastern history and tradition?

“It’s like flapping your arms to see if they’ll fly. No, it took millions of years of evolution to get them to work like arms rather than wings. You’re not going to overcome that anytime soon. But what if you could add wings to the human form? That’s what planes are for.”

For budgetary reasons, President Obama selected brains that have already been trained at world-renowned military bases in the United States. According to military sources, these soldiers’ sacrifice is part of the U.S. effort to win hearts and minds in the region.

“Their minds are opposed to ours,” says General Buttercup. “They’re Muslims and we’re Christians. They’re used to theocracies and dictatorships. We love our political and economic liberties. What we need is a meeting of minds, so we’re attaching hundreds of American military heads to Iraqi bodies.”

Instead of undoing Muslim and tribal indoctrinations, which would require beheading the Iraqis, the hope is that the new heads will compensate for the un-American worldview.

“We don’t do beheading. It’s just not in our playbook,” says Buttercup. “If we could train the Iraqis to be American by beheading them, believe me I’d be all for it. But I can’t go against my training.”

“No one trains harder than us,” says USMC Staff Sergeant Kyle Killsalot. “You just wouldn’t believe how hard I trained. If you asked my opinion of whether I approve of having my head surgically attached to an Iraqi soldier’s body, you wouldn’t get it. I have no independent opinions since I serve my military collective, my brothers in arms. Believe me, I’ll whip that Iraqi into shape and there will be no more running from insurgents. If he tries to run I’ll turn my head and spit in his eye.”

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Posted in Making Headlines, War Zone3 Comments

FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”

FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”

FIFA president Sepp Blatter insists that he’s not using a fake name, but he also swears his sworn alliance to ISIS is likewise legitimate.

FIFA and ISIS. One is a ruthless, soulless dictatorship that destroys everything in its path and the other is an Islamic terrorist organization. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Scandals, War Zone2 Comments

Blair Warns Germany: Stop Apologizing for Mass Atrocities (2/2)

Blair Warns Germany: Stop Apologizing for Mass Atrocities (2/2)

No, look, look, let’s cut to the chase. This is a textbook example of deliberate smear tactics! A cynical, malicious, orchestrated campaign of personal vilification against some admittedly somewhat fallible individuals…
Who somehow, God forbid, DARED to presume to lack the all-seeing, pristinely perfect, absolutely comprehensive omniscience that their critics so unjustly demand of them…
And which their critics no doubt cynically attribute to themselves alone.
Well, if you dare to arrogantly and maliciously single out the Germans like that, all I can say is: God help the rest of us mere mortals!
Well? What do you think?
Is there ANYONE ON EARTH who could even come close to these hideously high standards, these highfaluting moral and epistemological criteria, to which the Germans have been so unfairly and arbitrarily subjected?
Well, if that’s how it’s to be, how many of us will be left standing on that great and grand day of judgment, when the innocent sheep of good character and goodwill shall be vindicated and receive their eternal reward…
While the vicious goats who abused their power and tyrannized over others without mercy will themselves receive no mercy, and will be finally cast into eternal perdition?
No, believe me, this is not rhetoric.
(Well, it never is, is it?)
No, let me tell you now! This is deadly serious, and if anyone takes these matters lightly, they’ll one day discover, to their cost, that it’s all too late…
And that they have wasted their life, spilled their talents on the ground, the same ground which cries unto high Heaven for justice against the oppressor…
As they drown and choke in the blood of the innocent, fearfully screaming to themselves, but all too late, that they’ve wasted every last opportunity they had once been offered to do good for others, so that they could save themselves from everlasting punishment…
Having chosen instead the path of harming others; by inflicting evil and oppression on their fellow human beings, they also have lost everything they ever had, and would nevermore know so much as a single moment’s peace…
No, it’s all too late; not one of their victims will so much as dip their finger in a drop of water, to cool the the blazing tongue of their oppressor.
No, we should all be quite clear: when that day finally arrives, it will be too late for tears…
And anyone who begs and pleads for just one last, final chance to make amends and atone for their crimes will find the doors of Heaven shut forever..
And you know what? It’ll be nothing less that they deserve.
Yes: “Judge not, and you will not be judged,” that’s what I say.
Jesus actually said that. He’s a very wise man who admires me very much (or… never mind)…
And he actually agrees with me on quite a lot of things, believe you me; and that’s one of them. We have rather a lot in common, you know.
Well, except perhaps that Jesus was rather absolutist and dogmatic at times, not always understanding the importance of seizing the moment and dynamically re-configuring his strategic ethical objectives and methods…
Which is something I daresay I’m rather better at!
But I don’t want to boast. No one’s ever accused me of being arrogant, and I certainly don’t want to start now.
Well, I mean, I’ve got away with just the odd pomo-ironically detached smattering of self-congratulation fairly well so far, don’t you think? 😉
Never mind.
No, forgive me, I’m telling you now, it’s simply INTOLERABLE that individuals of perfectly good character and intentions have been ridiculed, smeared, mocked, criticized, treated like the scum of the earth…
Just for making one little mistake that, let’s be honest, anyone in this world could easily have made.
I mean, to err is but human, to forgive divine. Just don’t be resentful, and stop taking a one-sided, dogmatic, and prejudiced view of the issue! ~______~
Still, I must confess I myself do have an issue or two with a few aspects of what the Germans did; but we just have to put these things into perspective, don’t we! 😀
Yes, I mean, seriously, it’s like, you know: can any one of you state with 100% infallible certainty that you would never have made such a perfectly human and excusable error?
…OF COURSE NOT!
No, no, please, let me insist on just this point, just this this once.
The people who make light of the terrible sufferings of the Holocaust and World War II, with all their cynical, ignorant, purely politically motivated and opportunistic criticisms; THEY are the REAL criminals.
Yes, indeed. You know, we all know, it’s bad enough to kill and torture countless innocent people. I wouldn’t want to make light of that at all, believe you me.
Then again…
No, I mean, let’s face it, to then round upon the people who, you claim, are somehow, in way or another, you know, just flat-out GUILTY of these deaths, in some radically indeterminate and conveniently unqualified manner…
Well, that really just takes the biscuit! It’s simply despicable, and shows an utter lack of common human decency and self-restraint.
Well, yes… no, if you’d the slightest idea what a pretentious, cynical, insincere charlatan you sound like, let me tell you, you would never open your mouth again.
No, you will try to maliciously twist what I’m saying for the sake of some petty political capital, like you did with my Iraq dossier, but you will not succeed.
No, believe me, I’m used to it. Lots of people criticize me, but d’you know why?
Well yes, at the end of the day, there is only one reason that I’m ever criticized.
Any ideas?
Yes, you’re right.
Opportunism.
Just sheer, cynical, unadulterated, Machiavellian opportunism. That’s the ONLY REASON I have EVER been criticized in this world. 🙁
And I tell you what; you know what?
Well, the people of Britain; they’ve just had enough.

You never spoke a truer word, Tony.
Oh wait, that sounds a bit odd, doesn’t it!

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