Who was it that committed mass atrocities in the Balkans? Continue Reading
Posted on 19 July 2015.
Who was it that committed mass atrocities in the Balkans? Continue Reading
Posted on 07 July 2015.
Last night another innocent, peaceful person died in an “unknown” land.
When the body of this person was pulled from the rubble in an unknown city in a certain Middle Eastern country, this message, along with a photo, was found in his breast pocket. By some miracle, the text was still intact.
The woman in the picture looked like an Irish woman, and the humorous, teasing shamrocks on the underside of the photo would appear to confirm this. Continue Reading
Posted on 27 June 2015.
9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unimaginable Happened – Part 7 – The Iraq Factor
(A serial book excerpt)
After President Bush is killed when Flight 93 strikes the White House on 9/11, Vice President Cheney ascends to the throne. Things begin to change quite radically:
McGurty was ushered into the office. Cheney stood up to meet him. Continue Reading
Posted on 21 June 2015.
Dateline: ARLINGTON COUNTY—American military officials order surgical attachment of American soldiers’ heads to the bodies of Iraqi soldiers to improve Iraq’s military training.
Prior efforts to train democratic Iraq’s military have been stymied. Instead of fighting Islamic State insurgents, Iraq’s soldiers became infamous for fleeing the battlefield, allowing waves of IS fighters to control key sectors of Iraq.
“The problem,” says U.S. General Buttercup, “was the training that had already been done not just in Iraq but throughout the Middle East. Those folks had trained for decades to be tribal theocrats, to be Sunni, Shia, and so on. Their traditions go back many centuries.
“For example, IS fighters are Sunni and most of Northern and Northwestern Iraq is also Sunni. Iraq’s government is dominated now by Shias, so the Sunni soldiers and tribesmen don’t want to fight fellow Sunnis. Nor do they want to fight for their Shia leaders.”
“It’s a case of a clash of indoctrinations,” says an American military psychologist. “Muslim sectarianism is deep-seated, because the Middle Eastern countries are tribal, meaning that from a very early age Muslims are taught to identify with only a subset of Muslims, not to mention other humans. That’s the start of their extensive training.
“Now Americans want to retrain Iraq’s soldiers’ to be liberal humanists, to see past their tribal and religious allegiances. Alas, each soldier has only one brain. American training techniques are unparalleled, but no matter how hard you train a brain that’s already been thoroughly trained to adhere to a vastly different mindset, you’ll run out of room in that brain to store your memes and mores.”
General Buttercup concurs with that analysis. “I told President Obama from the start,” says Buttercup. “We’ve got to give those already-trained Iraqis a second brain. Their brains were full of Muslim nonsense before Bush had invaded Iraq. We spent a decade and hundreds of millions of dollars training Iraq’s military to fight for Western values and interests. But how could even all of that overcome centuries of Middle Eastern history and tradition?
“It’s like flapping your arms to see if they’ll fly. No, it took millions of years of evolution to get them to work like arms rather than wings. You’re not going to overcome that anytime soon. But what if you could add wings to the human form? That’s what planes are for.”
For budgetary reasons, President Obama selected brains that have already been trained at world-renowned military bases in the United States. According to military sources, these soldiers’ sacrifice is part of the U.S. effort to win hearts and minds in the region.
“Their minds are opposed to ours,” says General Buttercup. “They’re Muslims and we’re Christians. They’re used to theocracies and dictatorships. We love our political and economic liberties. What we need is a meeting of minds, so we’re attaching hundreds of American military heads to Iraqi bodies.”
Instead of undoing Muslim and tribal indoctrinations, which would require beheading the Iraqis, the hope is that the new heads will compensate for the un-American worldview.
“We don’t do beheading. It’s just not in our playbook,” says Buttercup. “If we could train the Iraqis to be American by beheading them, believe me I’d be all for it. But I can’t go against my training.”
“No one trains harder than us,” says USMC Staff Sergeant Kyle Killsalot. “You just wouldn’t believe how hard I trained. If you asked my opinion of whether I approve of having my head surgically attached to an Iraqi soldier’s body, you wouldn’t get it. I have no independent opinions since I serve my military collective, my brothers in arms. Believe me, I’ll whip that Iraqi into shape and there will be no more running from insurgents. If he tries to run I’ll turn my head and spit in his eye.”
Posted on 26 May 2015.
FIFA president Sepp Blatter insists that he’s not using a fake name, but he also swears his sworn alliance to ISIS is likewise legitimate.
FIFA and ISIS. One is a ruthless, soulless dictatorship that destroys everything in its path and the other is an Islamic terrorist organization. Continue Reading
Posted on 31 March 2015.
No, look, look, let’s cut to the chase. This is a textbook example of deliberate smear tactics! A cynical, malicious, orchestrated campaign of personal vilification against some admittedly somewhat fallible individuals…
Who somehow, God forbid, DARED to presume to lack the all-seeing, pristinely perfect, absolutely comprehensive omniscience that their critics so unjustly demand of them…
And which their critics no doubt cynically attribute to themselves alone.
Well, if you dare to arrogantly and maliciously single out the Germans like that, all I can say is: God help the rest of us mere mortals!
Well? What do you think?
Is there ANYONE ON EARTH who could even come close to these hideously high standards, these highfaluting moral and epistemological criteria, to which the Germans have been so unfairly and arbitrarily subjected?
Well, if that’s how it’s to be, how many of us will be left standing on that great and grand day of judgment, when the innocent sheep of good character and goodwill shall be vindicated and receive their eternal reward…
While the vicious goats who abused their power and tyrannized over others without mercy will themselves receive no mercy, and will be finally cast into eternal perdition?
No, believe me, this is not rhetoric.
(Well, it never is, is it?)
No, let me tell you now! This is deadly serious, and if anyone takes these matters lightly, they’ll one day discover, to their cost, that it’s all too late…
And that they have wasted their life, spilled their talents on the ground, the same ground which cries unto high Heaven for justice against the oppressor…
As they drown and choke in the blood of the innocent, fearfully screaming to themselves, but all too late, that they’ve wasted every last opportunity they had once been offered to do good for others, so that they could save themselves from everlasting punishment…
Having chosen instead the path of harming others; by inflicting evil and oppression on their fellow human beings, they also have lost everything they ever had, and would nevermore know so much as a single moment’s peace…
No, it’s all too late; not one of their victims will so much as dip their finger in a drop of water, to cool the the blazing tongue of their oppressor.
No, we should all be quite clear: when that day finally arrives, it will be too late for tears…
And anyone who begs and pleads for just one last, final chance to make amends and atone for their crimes will find the doors of Heaven shut forever..
And you know what? It’ll be nothing less that they deserve.
Yes: “Judge not, and you will not be judged,” that’s what I say.
Jesus actually said that. He’s a very wise man who admires me very much (or… never mind)…
And he actually agrees with me on quite a lot of things, believe you me; and that’s one of them. We have rather a lot in common, you know.
Well, except perhaps that Jesus was rather absolutist and dogmatic at times, not always understanding the importance of seizing the moment and dynamically re-configuring his strategic ethical objectives and methods…
Which is something I daresay I’m rather better at!
But I don’t want to boast. No one’s ever accused me of being arrogant, and I certainly don’t want to start now.
Well, I mean, I’ve got away with just the odd pomo-ironically detached smattering of self-congratulation fairly well so far, don’t you think? 😉
No, forgive me, I’m telling you now, it’s simply INTOLERABLE that individuals of perfectly good character and intentions have been ridiculed, smeared, mocked, criticized, treated like the scum of the earth…
Just for making one little mistake that, let’s be honest, anyone in this world could easily have made.
I mean, to err is but human, to forgive divine. Just don’t be resentful, and stop taking a one-sided, dogmatic, and prejudiced view of the issue! ~______~
Still, I must confess I myself do have an issue or two with a few aspects of what the Germans did; but we just have to put these things into perspective, don’t we! 😀
Yes, I mean, seriously, it’s like, you know: can any one of you state with 100% infallible certainty that you would never have made such a perfectly human and excusable error?
…OF COURSE NOT!
No, no, please, let me insist on just this point, just this this once.
The people who make light of the terrible sufferings of the Holocaust and World War II, with all their cynical, ignorant, purely politically motivated and opportunistic criticisms; THEY are the REAL criminals.
Yes, indeed. You know, we all know, it’s bad enough to kill and torture countless innocent people. I wouldn’t want to make light of that at all, believe you me.
No, I mean, let’s face it, to then round upon the people who, you claim, are somehow, in way or another, you know, just flat-out GUILTY of these deaths, in some radically indeterminate and conveniently unqualified manner…
Well, that really just takes the biscuit! It’s simply despicable, and shows an utter lack of common human decency and self-restraint.
Well, yes… no, if you’d the slightest idea what a pretentious, cynical, insincere charlatan you sound like, let me tell you, you would never open your mouth again.
No, you will try to maliciously twist what I’m saying for the sake of some petty political capital, like you did with my Iraq dossier, but you will not succeed.
No, believe me, I’m used to it. Lots of people criticize me, but d’you know why?
Well yes, at the end of the day, there is only one reason that I’m ever criticized.
Yes, you’re right.
Just sheer, cynical, unadulterated, Machiavellian opportunism. That’s the ONLY REASON I have EVER been criticized in this world. 🙁
And I tell you what; you know what?
Well, the people of Britain; they’ve just had enough.
You never spoke a truer word, Tony.
Oh wait, that sounds a bit odd, doesn’t it!
Posted on 30 March 2015.
Tony Blair has recently made some perfectly reasonable and convincing revisionist comments on the mass atrocities committed in Germany in the 1930s and 1940s.
Well, when I say “perfectly reasonable and convincing,” that’s a bit of a stretch, but I’m not supposed to be reporting these comments…
So I’m actually doing you guys a favor! Continue Reading
Posted on 27 March 2015.
Earlier, President Obama introduced his plan to expand the International Community.
He briefly and compassionately considered Palestine, Vatican City, the future Greater Israel, China, Japan, Russia, EU, India…
But none of them meet the high standards of the Global Village Patriarchs. Continue Reading
Posted on 26 March 2015.
Malicious and insidious recalcitrationalists from Glossynews and other disreputable non-Fox/-MSBC media outlets have been ignorantly and brutally ridiculing The Universal Interest.
And it’s purely on these grounds, and not on account of any cynical or disingenuous motivation whatsoever…
That President Obama has held a press conference in Arkansas, in order to prove the general greater-goody-goodiness of The Greater Good, and the hyper-monopolistic “Ourness” of “Our Common Humanity.” Continue Reading
Posted on 26 March 2015.
David Cameron has been forced to make a humiliating climbdown, after incorrectly claiming that the Humanitarian Caliphate is an even better caliphate than the Daesh/IS/ISIS/ISIL/IKEA one.
Calm down dear; listen to what the Grand Physician says… sorry, I mean, “orders you to believe. ”
I only meant it in a flippant manner, not in a po-faced, dusty manner like the Kippers. My point was that we have a lot in common with ISIS, except we are even better. Continue Reading
Posted on 18 March 2015.
John Kerry has threatened the pitiful Unamerican/Uncosmopolitan “satire” outlet “Glossynews” with humanitarian annihilation, if we do not shape up.
Read the transcript, and promise me not to laugh. This shit is serious.
The illegitimate Glossynews editorial regime and its vicious hack collaborators, for too long, have defied the wrath of the International Community.
These despicable hooligans truly are “Sinners in the Hand of an Angry Military-Industrial Complex,” and it’s about time they started acting accountably. Continue Reading
Posted on 28 February 2015.
President Obama is concerned at the harsh stigma attached to militants of the Islamic State.
So he has some wise words for the more narrow-minded citizens, who take a merely partisan approach towards the Islamic State…
Now let me say this. The Islamic State, ISIS, ISIL, call it what you will (perhaps apart from the derogatory term “Daesh…”)
Yes, the Islamic State is a nation with whom we currently have some significant diplomatic obstacles, and breaks in the flow of communication. Continue Reading
Posted on 21 February 2015.
Glossy News has been fortunate enough to be granted an interview with Vladimir Putin, the leader of Russia, a man very much in the news these days.
It is not often that the Premier grants anyone from the West an exclusive interview, especially since he is not allowed to enter the U.S.
We had to do the Interview on his exclusive 300 foot yacht off the Crimea coast. Continue Reading
Posted on 10 January 2015.
The three Islamic assassins who killed French citizens at Charlie Hebdo and a Jewish delicatessen arrive at the destination they had given their lives for, the Jihadist heaven promised them.
An angel greets them as they arrive.
“Welcome gentlemen. I hope your journey was peaceful.”
“Hardly!” stated Said Kouachi sarcastically. “We got our shit shot to pieces.” Continue Reading
Posted on 23 December 2014.
Here’s the rest of The End of History.
I’m so excited to proclaim this, I nearly expected the ceiling of my office to cave in.
…Not the glass ceiling, of course.
For, just like the 100%-Anti-State-Patronage-And-Condescension-Dems, Republicans don’t have a problem with women.
AS SUCH. Continue Reading
Posted on 22 December 2014.
North Korea has gone bankrupt from its massive hacking assault on Sony Pictures.
The intrusion into the depths of Sony’s Corporation was ignited by their new film ‘The Interview’ which features two bumbling tabloid newsmen who are given the mission of assassinating North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un.
This indiscretion infuriated the real Jong Un who immediately funneled the entire countries anemic economy into the hacking barrage that exposed many of Sony’s secret files including high level employee wages (which shocked Jong Un in that one executive’s salary alone equals the entire gross national product of North Korea for a year), insulting emails about famous stars (which also encindered the Prez as some were about his secret fantasy love Jennifer Aniston), and photos of Seth Rogen in his underwear (which the Exalted One kept for his private collection). Continue Reading
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