Archive | War Zone

China is Eating Our Lunch – And It’s Dim-Sum, Dim Bulb

China is Eating Our Lunch – And It’s Dim-Sum, Dim Bulb

The relief guard approached the other guard as he was on his watch. As usual Cecil’s mind was fixed on some inner scene; his eyes half closed and blank, his face dumb and peaceful like a cow in a field of abundant clover. It struck a chord of anger in Myron to see him this way and there arose in him the desire to smash him in the chest with the butt of his gun. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone0 Comments

First Seaman to Sail Up The Yin-Yang Gone Missing

First Seaman to Sail Up The Yin-Yang Gone Missing

Having heard about the mysterious and fabled Ying-Yang by scores of people who claimed to ‘have taken it up there,’ and wondering what going up it might actually mean for himself, sailor and adventurer, Frankie Johnson, advised his friends down at Finegan’s Bar that he had stocked up some provisions, bought 5 gallons of gas, a Chinese translation book, and would set sail on Sunday in order to be the first sailor to actually travel….Up the Ying-Yang. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, War Zone0 Comments

‘Wannabe’ Terrorist Punk’d In Portland… Aw, Snap

‘Wannabe’ Terrorist Punk’d In Portland… Aw, Snap

PORTLAND, Ore GlossyNews.com — Taking their cue from the genius of Ashton Kutcher, the FBI staged an elaborate prank on a Corvallis, OR teenager who thought he was part of a Jihadist plot to kill Christmas.

Mohamed Osman Mohamud, 19, a Somali-born U.S. citizen, mistakenly believed he was in contact with terrorists overseas who’s stated goal is, “to kill followers of The Great Satan Claus.” Little did he know that his contacts were, in fact, a band of merry FBI pranksters, a hilarious and secretive comedy troupe in the Counterterrorism Division. “We like to think of them as the Funny Bureau of Investigation”, said Assistant Director James McJunkin. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, War Zone2 Comments

Bush’s Secret: Sears was Target

Bush’s Secret: Sears was Target

WILLIS TOWER LOBBY, CHICAGO (Glossy News)—Former Pres G.W. Bush, who prefers to be known as W, visited Chicago to promote his forgettable memoir, My Distant Points: As Opposed to 41’s Vision Thing the other day. In what his press release alluded to as a wide ranging open press discussion, he said that he understood that Sears was afraid of becoming Target and that is why it left the tower. Or as W wrote in his book, “Sears pulled an Elvis.” Continue Reading

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So. Cal Mystery Missile Tale Takes New Turn

So. Cal Mystery Missile Tale Takes New Turn

It began with video from a California news helicopter. A rapidly ascending object is seen leaving a con trail against the backdrop of a beautiful sunset, several miles offshore. Rampant speculation followed, amid Pentagon denials of any ‘Area 51’ type activity.

It now appears the Pentagon was telling the truth this time, and today dawns an uncertain new era in human history. Extraterrestrial life has been found; just not in the place we were looking. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, War Zone0 Comments

Kim Jong Il Earns Enhance Nickname ‘Lil Dick’

Kim Jong Il Earns Enhance Nickname ‘Lil Dick’

North Korea’s bombing of a residential district on a South Korean island this past week has the entire world on edge to see what lies ahead. The United States is already responding to the threat while holding talks with China to ask for their assistance in dealing with the loose cannon that is North Korea’s leadership.

In particular, all fingers are pointing at the pint-sized leader of N. Korea, Kim Jong Il as masterminding the attack. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Snubbed the Cast of “Jersey Shore,” Kim Jong Il Attacks S. Korea

Snubbed the Cast of “Jersey Shore,” Kim Jong Il Attacks S. Korea

SEOUL, South Korea — Fourteen South Korean Marines and two South Korean civilians were injured after North Korea fired dozens of shells at a South Korean border island on Monday. The attack comes only days after it was discovered that North Korea was pressing ahead with its illegal nuclear program.

South Korean President Lee Myung-Bak scrambled jet fighters, moved civilians into shelters and called an emergency security meeting with his advisors, a presidential spokesman told reporters. In light of North Korea’s admission of having built a new uranium enrichment facility, which violates its international obligations, tensions have escalated across the globe. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Suicide Bombers Struggle to Get Members Union, Keep Union Members

Suicide Bombers Struggle to Get Members Union, Keep Union Members

Today union-minded Iraqis formed Suicide Bombers Locale #467 in Baghdad but had to promptly look for a new union hall as a couple of the members brought their work in with them. Sitting outside the smoldering building, the surviving members passed an ordinance stating that all bombs in the future must be left outside the front door along with their shoes when entering. The lone dissenting voter was beheaded. Continue Reading

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‘Do Over’ Planned As Britain Finally Challenges Revolutionary War Outcome

‘Do Over’ Planned As Britain Finally Challenges Revolutionary War Outcome

Citing dissatisfaction over the outcome of the Revolutionary War, the British Crown has decided that a ‘do-over’ would be in best interests of both countries.

In order to spark a bit of controversy, her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has arranged for 30 UK citizens dressed as Pakastani shop keepers to throw thousands of crates of Coca-Cola into the Thames River on Friday night, followed by forcing US sightseers to go to the rear of all lines at most tourist destinations in London. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone2 Comments

Kamikaze Ninja Jihadist Taliban Squirrel Brings Down University

Kamikaze Ninja Jihadist Taliban Squirrel Brings Down University

World News -Fairbanks, AK GlossyNews.com – An Al Queda influenced jihadist squirrel attempted to create maximum havoc at the University of Alaska in Fairbanks recently. Successfully penetrating the high security at an electrical substation, the fanatical rodent managed to blow out the campus’ main turbine.

The sacrificial squirrel’s charred body was found lying on the substation floor, a green Hamas bandanna his only clothing left. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone2 Comments

Osama Bin Laden Found by San Francisco Crackhead

Osama Bin Laden Found by San Francisco Crackhead

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (Glossy News) — October 5, 2010, was as any other day in San Francisco. Tenderloin beat cop Mike McKenna stepped into his routine that morning, patrolling the stretch of Leavenworth that starts at Market Street and ends somewhere before the hills get too steep for the crack-heads to climb. Nibbling a cheese Danish, he explained to his partner Dan O’Maley, “I don’t like donuts, but these are great.” Then a fateful call came over the radio, ordering a response to the methadone clinic across from the YMCA. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, War Zone1 Comment

Tweetle Beetle Tactics To Be Used By The Military

Tweetle Beetle Tactics To Be Used By The Military

In 1965, Dr. Theodore “Seuss” Geisel published his war study, “Fox in Socks.” The final 20% of the book discusses tactics and strategy employed by Tweetle Beetles in battle conditions. One sentence reads:

“When beetles fight their battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle’s on a poodle and the poodle’s eating noodles, they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.”

General Kenton Burnside of the National War College has recently completed a more in-depth research study into Tweetle Beetle Battles. Continue Reading

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Posted in Top Stories, War Zone4 Comments

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