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Taliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism

Taliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism

The Taliban has successfully destroyed every business and killed every non-conforming citizen and foreigner in Afghanistan. Left without an effective economy and without anyone who understands any technology beyond that of making heroin the entire land has fallen into a morass of chaos and starvation.

In light of these developments the Grand Mullah of the Taliban has issued a statement saying that it is allowable for his soldiers of Allah to cannibalize their fellow Afghans.

“It is permissible for those fighting in the name of Allah to partake of the flesh of other human beings. In fact, it is righteous before the Lord to so consume. Those fighting the Infidels must be strong and cannot be hindered by hunger. Those holy Believers who give their lives to feed our heroes should be proud and thankful that they can be martyrs in this way.”

The Mullah has further issued an edict listing the order in which ‘volunteers’ for the emergency food chain should be chosen:

Christians and Jews first. Originally the Mullah had placed them on a strict ‘Do Not Eat’ list because, as he said, they are the equivalent of swine, an Islamic no-no.

Buddhists, Hindus, Jains, Shintos, Satanists and all other religions that do not comply to Mohammedanism. Satanists do not taste particularly good and will perhaps be stricken from the list entirely.

White foreigners.

Paula Dean.

Non-white foreigners.

Non practicing Muslims.




The Chief Mullah has stated that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are clerics to be eaten! This cannot be strongly enough stated! Clerics and Mullahs are Holy men of Allah and were they to be killed the murderer would himself be immediately sent to Hell and made into shish-ka-bob, being turned over a hot fire and devoured by beasts for all eternity!!!

Many Christians have saved themselves from being eaten by declaring that they had just eaten pork, which theoretically would make their own hide unclean to eat, in which case they were merely immediately slaughtered by the Taliban and not consumed.

The lack of any modern conveniences has made it difficult for the Taliban in other ways. For instance Korans can no longer be printed. This leads to a shortage of them, which, in another way aids the clerics. Without so many to read it is easier to change the meanings of the verses to whatever purpose they want, much the way fundamentalist Christian preachers do.


This post was written by

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I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at


6 Responses to “Taliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism”

  1. Kilroy says:

    Interesting premise, rfreed. Let’s go one step further with this CIA plot from Hell: First drop the printing presses so they can print the Koran. Second drop bales of marijuana so they’ll be too stoned to print properly. Third, start the rumor that “Allah says clerics are yummy!” Fourth, let the pot kick in and…problem solved. Rinse repeat.

    NOTE to jihadists who also happen to be Glossynews fans: Technically I did not render an image of Allah, but if you still feel insulted by this piece and/or any remarks/comments perpetrated as a result of this article, kill rfreed first.

  2. rfreed says:

    You are a true friend, Killjoy.
    Any more like you and I would never have survived high school.

  3. P. Beckert says:

    Wait Freed, you mean you actually graduated “high” school? Folks, what we got here is a hypocrite…Kilroy, you can take it from here.

  4. kilroy says:

    Gotcha, rfreed! I knew you got high in school. The pocket protector disguise didn’t fool anybody.

    Thanks for the handoff, Beckert. You should play for The Packers!

    NOTE: To all Packers fans who happen to also be Glossynews fans, I technically didn’t diss the Packers. But if you still feel insulted, kill rfreed first.

  5. rfreed says:

    Look at this, would you?
    I write my fingers to the bone and wrack my nerves to get these articles out and all I get are FOUR LOUSY COMMENTS on it.
    One of them being from me. (The other three from professional wise-asses which doesn’t help much either.)
    Where is the justice? Where is the justice?
    I bet you people ignore your mother too.
    She squeezed you out of herself like two year old mayonnaise out of a tube.
    Are you thankful for that either?
    You got a college education at government expense and what do you do with that oh-so well educated mind of yours?
    You read this tripe!
    All that talk of the sunset of American culture rings true.
    Actually, was there ever any culture to begin with?
    Oh, why do I bother?

  6. Kilroy says:

    At least the Taliban didn’t read it, rfreed. Be thankful for illiteracy.


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