Categorized | Internets Tubes, War Zone

U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..

U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..

The U.S. Military, the true originator of the Internet, has had enough of the shenanigans it has become and is taking it [the internet] back.

“It was never meant to be the big circus that it is now.” stated General I. Standtall, speaking on behalf of the American Armed Services.

“It was intended as a simple means for us to communicate secretly within a military field of intelligence. Since we let it get out of our hands it has devolved into a morass of anti-intelligence.”

Originally created to connect computers at Colorado Cheyenne Mountain with the Pentagon and SAC Headquarters, the first transmission of data over a computerized message exchange occurred when the University of California, Los Angeles successfully sent a message to the Stanford Research Institute in the 1960’s. This new electronic wonder was called the ARPANET- the first successful birth of what would evolve into the Web as we know it today.

The actual transcript of what happened that day on October 29, 1969, as recorded by Wikipedia went like this:

“We set up a telephone connection between us and the guys at SRI …,” Kleinrock … said in an interview: “We typed the L and we asked on the phone,
“Do you see the L?”
“Yes, we see the L,” came the response.
We typed the O, and we asked, “Do you see the O?”
“Yes, we see the O.”
Then we typed the G, and the system crashed …

“Unfortunately our invention was turned over to the masses in the ’90’s and it has been molested ever since,” said computer scientist Dwight Bright, one of the men hired by the Pentagon to demolish the computer system of communication that has taken the world by storm.

“People have really whored it like a cheap Bronx sidewalk girl.”

“Just look at what our baby has come to: ape-like guys searching for dirty pictures of women doing things they wouldn’t want their fathers knowing about, Walmart whining about wanting you to ‘like’ them on Facebook, lonely girls searching matchmaker sites for their Prince Charming, teenagers downloading every rotten cored new song possible, housewives browsing for new, pseudo-fashionable dresses, pedophiles trolling for unripe, naive kids and wise-ass know-it-all humor websites. This is not what we created it for and it is going to stop.”

Despite huge protests from Google, Yahoo, Microsoft, and Apple, among many other companies that built their bankrolls upon the computer revolution, the military is going ahead with its plan, and has begun pulling the plug. As a small concession, the Armed Forces will leave a small amount of bandwidth for old black and white TV shows to play publicly as well as songs from the 1950’s and earlier.

Internet users everywhere are furious, and want to fight back, but their only weapons are computers, whereas the military has big scary guns and bombs.

WARNING!!!! – SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM THE ARMED FORCES OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
THIS WEBSITE WILL BE DISSOLVED IN THREE DAYS.
PLEASE VACATE IT IN THIS AMOUNT OF TIME.
REPEAT! PLEASE EVACUATE THIS WEBSITE IN THREE DAYS!
NO OTHER WARNINGS WILL BE GIVEN!

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This post was written by

- who has written 423 posts on GlossyNews.com.

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at http://inyear252509.wordpress.com/

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4 Responses to “U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..”

  1. rfreed says:

    Oh, come now!
    At least the picture was funny!

  2. Frank Stein says:

    That baby scary. Make baby no look at me

  3. deeptrout says:

    The picture was hilarious!

  4. Mockenstein says:

    Breadsticks!

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