New Pet Food Triggers Outrage; Breadsticks for Kim Jong-un?

Damascus, Iowa – A new line of products released by Pet Food Enterprises, Inc., that was intended to provide humor and admiration over the recent extinction of Olive Garden restaurants and the late breadsticks offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée, has completely backfired. Read more New Pet Food Triggers Outrage; Breadsticks for Kim Jong-un?

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Golden Gate Bridge “Suicide Net System” to Attract Acrobats From Around the Globe

San Francisco – The city council has approved spending tens of millions of dollars to construct a system of safety nets under the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to thwart future suicide attempts which have plagued the landmark for decades. Read more Golden Gate Bridge “Suicide Net System” to Attract Acrobats From Around the Globe

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After Botched Execution, Oklahoma Replaces Lethal Injection with “Death by Dumbo”

Following the “incomplete” execution of Clayton Locket in Oklahoma earlier this month, the Oklahoma legislature has voted to replace lethal injection with “Death by Dumbo”.

Dumbo, a rogue circus elephant convicted of killing his long time handler in the late 90’s, is slated to become the state’s newest executioner. Read more After Botched Execution, Oklahoma Replaces Lethal Injection with “Death by Dumbo”

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Media Hungry Johnny Manziel says, “I’m Gay Too”

Not to be shown up in this year’s NFL’s draft, Johnny Manziel, aka Johnny Football has announced that he’s gay too.

After the media frenzy over the St. Louis Rams drafting the first openly gay football player Michael Sam, Manziel attempted to grab back the spotlight by screaming to the presses, “I’m gay too!” while dining out with a beautiful brunette whom he claimed was his sister and definitely not one of his many alleged girlfriends. Read more Media Hungry Johnny Manziel says, “I’m Gay Too”

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Screwdriver Borrowed, Returned

Reading, Pennsylvania – At least one professional is dumbfounded following the completion of two transactions between neighbors in the dorms of Albright College on North 13th Street.

Students Sean Chaigarvsky and Michael Kellner have lived next to one another for less than a year, but recently exchanged a tool with a cross-shaped tip as part of an initiative to fix a loose bedpost.

“It really was not that complicated,” Chaigarvsky stated to reporters who were interested in the motivation behind the transaction. Read more Screwdriver Borrowed, Returned

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Pothole Filled: DeSean Jackson Gypped

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – In response to the demand of residents living on Broad Street in Center City, Mayor Michael Nutter has filled a giant pothole, while simultaneously taking a step forward in a city-wide effort to legalize marijuana.

“Today, Philadelphia has filled a deep void with a banned substance that will soon be legalized and utilized by residents throughout the city for medical and recreational purposes,” said Mayor Nutter, while biting into a brownie with noticeable chunks of green, leafy material spewing from its edges. Read more Pothole Filled: DeSean Jackson Gypped

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Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

A stereotypical middle class Caucasian father, owner of three adorable children is still being a huge douchebag by not arriving to his little girl’s ballet recital which begins at 4 pm.

When asked on who was going to arrive to pick her up, the angel of cuteness replied, “I-dunno.” Frank, a Texan citizen who is allergic to cuteness, passed away when the headline made way to his town. All friends and family mourn for his loss and blame douchebag dad. Read more Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

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Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size

LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and my wife seems to like it all right.”

According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American penis stands 5.6 inches when erect. Miller claims his penis is “around 6 inches,” though other data suggests his trouser schnauzer is closer to 5.2 inches. Read more Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size

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Woman Sells Set of Dinosaur Cheese Puffs for $495 on eBay

Helen Crumples is almost $500 richer today after accepting the highest bid on eBay for her “dinosaur” cheese puff collection.

The set of five Chester’s Puffcorn snacks, which look amazingly like miniature brontosauruses, were discovered by Helen while tidying up her son, Seth’s room.

“I’ve joked a number of times that looking for anything in Seth’s room is like going on an archaeological dig. Little did I know that I wasn’t too far off the mark,” said an elated Crumples. Read more Woman Sells Set of Dinosaur Cheese Puffs for $495 on eBay

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American Babies Now ‘Made in China’

Nowadays, Americans would be hard-pressed to find an item for sale that doesn’t have the ‘Made in China’ stamp on it. Go to any box store and chances are whatever you are buying was either manufactured, processed, assembled, or designed in China.

And now, believe it or not, you can also get a newborn baby, gender of your choice, made in China. The babies, guaranteed to be of 100% American mixed blood (what child in America today is 100% anything?), and they come in a variety of skin tones, from freckled to brown, tan to olive. Read more American Babies Now ‘Made in China’

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Homophobic Man Struggles with his Fear

Dateline: New York—Morris Jenkins suffers from a debilitating fear of homosexuals, commonly called homophobia. When in the presence of gay people, he ceases to function.

“I remember the first time the terror struck me,” he said. “I was at work on my computer, sitting in my cubicle, and a co-worker told me he’s gay. My lower lip quivered, I screamed like I was looking into the face of Death, and I fell back away from him, landing on the floor and kicking my chair into the computer, shattering the screen.

“I turned over on my stomach and began clawing my way out of the cubicle, cutting my hands on the pieces glass, gasping for breath, and crying for help. My heart was hammering in my chest. The terrifying coworker tried to help me up and I shrieked and twisted my arm as I violently spun to avoid contact. I crab-walked out of the cubicle and ran to the opposite end of the office, clutching the wall behind me, sweating buckets and trying to catch my breath.
Read more Homophobic Man Struggles with his Fear

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Comatose Broncos Fan Awakens to Horrible Reality

A Denver Broncos fan who has been in a coma since 5 minutes into the Superbowl has finally awakened and close friends are unsure how to tell him what happened.

According to witnesses, Tindell Higby III, a University of Colorado senior, passed out with approximately 10:48 left in the first quarter and never regained consciousness.

“We’d been doing Jello shots since noon getting ready for the pre-game activities,” said one man who declined to be identified, but described pre-game activities as a game of “Bong Tag”. Read more Comatose Broncos Fan Awakens to Horrible Reality

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Mysterious Oracle Appears in Sedona; Predicts Ugly Future for Wealthiest

Now may not be the best time to win the Mega Lottery or come into an inheritance from your wealthy relatives, according to a new young Oracle who has mysteriously appeared in Sedona, Arizona, and has begun predicting the future. And don’t even think about striking it rich on Wall Street.

Scaramantha, who appears to be of eastern Indian descent has taken a spot atop a well-known vortex on a red rock butte overlooking Sedona, Arizona, and has begun speaking in Iambic Pentameter. Read more Mysterious Oracle Appears in Sedona; Predicts Ugly Future for Wealthiest

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Billionaire Tom Perkins says “Poor Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Vote”

In a stunning turnaround, billionaire and silicon valley legend Tom Perkins who earlier this month compared the plight of the rich to nazi holocaust victims, stated that the poor should not be allowed to vote at all.

“They’re dirty, they’re ugly, they’re stupid and they don’t have their own jets…why should they be allowed to vote?” said Perkins. Read more Billionaire Tom Perkins says “Poor Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Vote”

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Man Sues Porn Industry for Making Sex Boring

Dateline: LOS ANGELES–Eduard Garbanzo, a plumber and avid consumer of internet pornography, is suing several top producers of porn for having made sex commonplace and boring.

“There’s too much nudity on the internet,” he protests. “They’ve saturated the market, those pornographers. I mean, how many times can you look at a naked person and still get aroused? How many giggling breasts and buttocks can you watch before you get tired of it all? Sooner or later, the whole thing just bores you to tears.”

Mr. Garbanzo is 27 and he grew up in an age when business on the internet began to boom, when pornography became no longer rare or hidden, but has been made available even to early teens at the touch of a few buttons. As Mr. Garbanzo says, “It used to be you’d have to sneak into the basement and root around for your father’s hidden stash of nudie magazines. And then you’d have to make do with the model that happened to be featured in those pages and with however she chose to pose herself.
Read more Man Sues Porn Industry for Making Sex Boring

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Cute Baby Rolls Over, Facebook Servers Crash

A SOCIAL media site descended into chaos last night following the news that a four-month-old baby had hit a milestone.

According to reports, baby Molly, rolled on to her stomach to the delight of her proud mother, Bev Herman, who then shared the news via a Facebook status.

The website had to be shut down for over 40 minutes due to the high volume of well wishers and ‘likes’ the status gained in a matter of seconds. Read more Cute Baby Rolls Over, Facebook Servers Crash

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