Archive | Human Interest

Man Sues Porn Industry for making Sex Boring

Man Sues Porn Industry for making Sex Boring

Dateline: LOS ANGELES–Eduard Garbanzo, a plumber and avid consumer of internet pornography, is suing several top producers of porn for having made sex commonplace and boring.

“There’s too much nudity on the internet,” he protests. “They’ve saturated the market, those pornographers. I mean, how many times can you look at a naked person and still get aroused? How many giggling breasts and buttocks can you watch before you get tired of it all? Sooner or later, the whole thing just bores you to tears.”

Mr. Garbanzo is 27 and he grew up in an age when business on the internet began to boom, when pornography became no longer rare or hidden, but has been made available even to early teens at the touch of a few buttons. As Mr. Garbanzo says, “It used to be you’d have to sneak into the basement and root around for your father’s hidden stash of nudie magazines. And then you’d have to make do with the model that happened to be featured in those pages and with however she chose to pose herself.
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Posted in Human Interest, Internets Tubes2 Comments

90 Year Old On Deathbed Comforted By Family Repeatedly Pointing Out How Old He Is

90 Year Old On Deathbed Comforted By Family Repeatedly Pointing Out How Old He Is

FT. LAUDERDALE, FLA — 90-year-old Elmer Durzylwood was reportedly at peace in his final hours late last night after his family had spent the entire day repeatedly telling him that he is very old, sources report. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest15 Comments

Cute Baby Rolls Over, Facebook Servers Crash

Cute Baby Rolls Over, Facebook Servers Crash

A SOCIAL media site descended into chaos last night following the news that a four-month-old baby had hit a milestone.

According to reports, baby Molly, rolled on to her stomach to the delight of her proud mother, Bev Herman, who then shared the news via a Facebook status.

The website had to be shut down for over 40 minutes due to the high volume of well wishers and ‘likes’ the status gained in a matter of seconds. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest1 Comment

Beautiful Netizen People Burn Butterfly Collector At The Stake

Beautiful Netizen People Burn Butterfly Collector At The Stake

A woman butterfly collector who had the arrogance to write an article describing her honest if not sophomoric and misunderstood anxiety over seeing a chubby black woman at her yoga class has been hunted down, bound, blindfolded and burned at the stake by beautiful netizen people who happened to be without sin.

Non writer Jen Polachek posing under the psuedonym Jen Caren was prompted by an editor at the popular cat-lady in training website XOJANE to write an article about her recent yoga/chubby black woman experience and how as a privileged racist white bitch she should be ashamed of herself and maybe slit her wrists. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Internets Tubes4 Comments

Major Paint Company Admits ‘Faux Touches’ Ploy to Sell Paint

Major Paint Company Admits ‘Faux Touches’ Ploy to Sell Paint

Today, a major paint company admitted to tricking its customers into buying paint they didn’t need by introducing new painting techniques to ‘jazz up’ their living spaces, and then forcing them to buy more paint to cover up the hideous results.

Titanic Paints based out of Buffalo, New York, made the confession when it’s new President and CEO, Johann Johannssonn, called for more transparency in the company’s public relations. Johannssonn joined the company after its former President and CEO retired after 50 years of overseeing the business. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest1 Comment

Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death

Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death

GARY, IN—While eating at his neighborhood Quizno’s Wednesday, local man Gene Lisowski spoke with reporters about the fact that he completely forgot the inescapable reality of his own death while eating a turkey club hoagie.

Lisowski described the sandwich that caused the certitude that he would one day be a lifeless, decomposing vessel to simply slip his mind as “real tasty.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest8 Comments

Seeking Alternatives to Lethal Injection, States Consider Guillotine, Bear Mauling

Seeking Alternatives to Lethal Injection, States Consider Guillotine, Bear Mauling

Assville, Missouri — On the heels of an execution gone disturbingly wrong in Ohio, states are pondering more modern ways to execute death row inmates.

McGuire was convicted of brutally raping and murdering a pregnant newlywed. The Ohio execution of Dennis McGuire took nearly 25 minutes and was criticized by many for its apparent lack of efficacy, since the inmate gasped and gurgled for breath for what seemed an eternity. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest5 Comments

Young Woman miraculously ignores her Beauty to study Philosophy

Young Woman miraculously ignores her Beauty to study Philosophy

Dateline: PITTSBURGH — Lisa Prettysweet, an achingly beautiful 26-year old, stunned her family and friends by showing the slightest interest in philosophy.

Predictably, her reading of philosophy has made her more skeptical, pessimistic, and cynical and her parents are convinced that somewhere along the line, some dark miracle has brought about this ruinous diversion. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People11 Comments

Haiti Uses US Aid Money to Help Bail Out Bankrupt Detroit

Haiti Uses US Aid Money to Help Bail Out Bankrupt Detroit

In what is being hailed as the most ironic turn of events of 2013, Haiti has sent the first $15M of a promised $130M to the City of Detroit in hopes of saving the city from going completely belly under.

In September of 2013, it was announced that the beleaguered city could count on $300M in federal and private funds to help the city while it undergoes a Chapter 11 reorganization. A mere drop in the bucket when it comes to the billions it will eventually take to totally bring Detroit back around and running again as one of America’s top Midwest cities. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest4 Comments

Christmas Miracle Leaves Woman Bored

Christmas Miracle Leaves Woman Bored

LIFEMARK FAMILYTOWN, USA – Today Melody Christmas (40) is a woman who has it all. She is a mother of two, wife of an artsy-rugged-rich sensitive male, and CEO of a multinational bakery-café-puppy store chain.

But a few weeks before Christmas she was a normal American woman, unwinding after work in her one bedroom apartment drinking $4 red wine and watching the British version of things on Netflix while scrolling through Facebook statuses of how everyone else is happier, more successful, and more married than she is. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Television1 Comment

Pot-Seeking Hippie Caravans Headed for Marijuana Meccas

Pot-Seeking Hippie Caravans Headed for Marijuana Meccas

Now that the laws are on the books in both Colorado and Washington state making the recreational use of marijuana legal, boomers all over the United States are hitting the road, plotting plans to get their fair share of the heavenly harvest while doing their best to stay under the radar of the local authorities in surrounding states.

‘Maravans’ as they are called, caravans of cars that are leaving from cities all over the US and headed for the two states that have what they want–marijuana–are becoming a regular sight on the nation’s back roads. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest2 Comments

Job Advice: Know When it’s Time to Go

Job Advice: Know When it’s Time to Go

In my 30 years as a professional employment specialist, I have created the state of unemployment numerous times for many different reasons. Each “involuntary separation” has its own set of unique challenges and style points, but I consider a few aspects universally applicable.

There are numerous articles outlining the minutia of keeping a job, but let’s face it: sometimes its best to just get the hell out of Dodge.

In this age of the Non Empathetic Company how do you know when it’s prudent to just quit? Let a non empathetic career expert tell you the top five ways to know when it’s time to go. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Education, Human Interest0 Comments

Local Parents Counting the Seconds Until Holidays End

Local Parents Counting the Seconds Until Holidays End

Worchester, MA – The Henderson parents have had it.

“I never thought I’d say it, but it was easier when they were all in high school,” Richard, 49 year-old father and certified accountant, said.

His wife Tabatha agreed, and admitted to having had a migraine since late Friday, mere hours after son Jerry arrived at the airport from Florida and daughter Jenny was dropped off by friends from her first semester of college.

“They’ve both grown so much since leaving for school,” she said, “And in such opposite directions. They just can’t seem to get along with each other, anymore.”

“Or us,” Richard added, alluding to the concerned calls from the neighbors soon after the traditional Christmas Eve game of Old Maid crumbled into arguing over who, exactly, really deserved the title card.

Tension, if possible, managed to escalate on Christmas morning when presents began getting unwrapped and an undisclosed someone made the mistake of not scraping the price sticker off a gift.

“That’s when the shit really hit the fan,” Richard nodded.

“Chocolate, dear,” Tabatha corrected him, with a gentle pat on his knee and a heavy sigh. “Really good chocolate.”

The presence of other family members for most of the day seemed to dissipate the animosity, as everyone put on the “nice and loving family” act, but after dinner the company left and things returned to the new, hellish normal.

“I begged Aunt Judy and Mike not to leave,” Tabatha admitted.

Now the two parents are counting down the hours before their dear and dreaded children go back to school for spring semester. Their travel bags have been filled and left in conspicuously well-traveled areas of the house, as a constant reminder that the time is ticking down. Both parents have even memorized return itineraries, going so far as to alter Jenny’s to get her back as soon as the dorms open again.

“Just last month, we were saying we weren’t going to pay to send them away for spring break,” Richard stated, “We changed that, last night.”

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Posted in Human Interest, Society, Top Stories1 Comment

Santa Claus Forced to File Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

Santa Claus Forced to File Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, unfortunately, he can’t pay his mounting debt and therefore won’t be visiting your home with lots of toys and goodies.

Due to the economic downturn felt all over the globe, Santa Claus International has been forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. A press release issued at the last minute Friday had the jolly old elf himself near tears as he announced that his beloved toy operation would no longer exist, and he would be staying put in the North Pole this year instead of delivering toys to children and adults around the world. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Human Interest0 Comments

Seattle’s narrow escape from the icy grip of winter

Seattle’s narrow escape from the icy grip of winter

Whew! That was that a close call. There was a point earlier this week when I thought I might never see my kids again. Worse yet, I feared that my final blog post might be last week’s lame rant about Sarah Palin.

How humiliating. I live in Seattle, and for the past ten days, the entire city has been hunkered down in the grips of an arctic blast so bone-chillingly cold that most of us wondered if we’d ever again be able to venture outdoors in December in flip flops and shorts. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Human Interest0 Comments

Mega Millions to Exceed $200 Billion

Mega Millions to Exceed $200 Billion

After many months of no winner, the Mega Millions jackpot has now soared to over $200 billion, according to Mega Millions lead director Paula Otto.

“Whoever wins this jackpot will be the richest person on Earth”, Otto stated. “they will have dominance over humanity and could decide the fate of the entire planet!”

Otto reminded readers that with $200 billion a person could control the stock market, find cures for disease, help to eliminate hunger in the world or create permanent housing for all the homeless people in the country. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

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