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Tip #17: When Planning a Romantic Get-Away, Consider Inviting Your Wife

Tip #17: When Planning a Romantic Get-Away, Consider Inviting Your Wife

[Glossy News contributor, Tim Jones, provides a periodic column for Glossy News called The Love Doctor, where he shares his insights on matters of the heart.]

For years people the world over have sought my advice as a foremost authority on matters of the heart. Perhaps it’s because I’m half-German. Or maybe because I got an A- in French in high school – the language of love. I don’t actually have any formalized training in this arena. And I still don’t quite understand position #27 of the Kama Sutra. Continue Reading

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Top 13 Ailments Mis-Diagnosed through Google

Top 13 Ailments Mis-Diagnosed through Google

Every day, millions of Americans get sick. If they’re smart, they’ll go to Google before hitting up their local HMO provider. Most of them get the wrong diagnosis, but they save a fortune along the way.

Based on our research, we’ve collected a number of case studies of individuals who have sought the sage advice of Google before going in for proper treatment.

Below are just a few of our case studies:

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Posted in Health5 Comments

Helen Dragas Voted UVA’s “Most Admired”

Helen Dragas Voted UVA’s “Most Admired”

As Thomas Jefferson looks down from his cloudy suite in heaven, he must be exceedingly proud of UVA for its latest attempt at breaking the status quo in popular trends.

According to a poll released Sunday morning, Board of Visitors Rector Helen Dragas is the University’s Most Admired person, with 70 percent of the student body giving her their support. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Politics0 Comments

Cigarette Cards Back in Fashion in Australia

Cigarette Cards Back in Fashion in Australia

When the Australian High Court forced tobacco manufacturers to sell cigarettes in packaging without their distinctive colours and logos from December last year, the World Health Organisation (WHO) applauded this decision, saying that it was the right thing to do to protect the health of Australia’s youth. Continue reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest5 Comments

Marcus Bachmann Furiously Gerrymandering Hetero Lines

Marcus Bachmann Furiously Gerrymandering Hetero Lines

Conservative icon and shockingly good dancer Marcus Bachmann is in the news again, following allegations that he had inappropriate contact with one of his “patients” at his “pray the gay away” clinic.

“Well we all know what’s straight and what isn’t,” said Davis Germaine, attorney for the victim. “But it seems he wants to redraw the lines for what is and isn’t gay in a way more favorable to him.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Politics2 Comments

Heavy Sigh as Obesity Vaccine Wins FDA Approval

Heavy Sigh as Obesity Vaccine Wins FDA Approval

Fast Food Restaurants Go Ahead With Even More Bacon Options in Kids Meals

Washington, DC – The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval on a vaccine that, when administered at a young age, will allow children to eat anything they want without gaining any fat. The obesity vaccine was developed in answer to the failed USDA’s MyPlate program, which replaced the even more disastrous MYPyramid Food Chart, both of which have done little to curtail the rising epidemic of obesity in America. Continue Reading

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Florida Governor Rick Scott Battling Leukemia

Florida Governor Rick Scott Battling Leukemia

Following months of speculation, the governor’s office has this morning confirmed what red-blooded, God-fearing Americans have long suspected. He’s a sick and dying man.

“I’ve always fought hard against the ills that plague us, but I’m more comfortable when it’s welfare queens and not [leukemia],” said Scott in front of the governor’s mansion.

“But I vow to beat this just like I would a Cuban immigrant here to take your job.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Politics0 Comments

NRA Members Suffering From Selective Hearing Disorder – I SAID, “NRA MEMBERS SUFFERING FROM HEARING DISORDER”

NRA Members Suffering From Selective Hearing Disorder – I SAID, “NRA MEMBERS SUFFERING FROM HEARING DISORDER”

Scientists have begun a study of NRA members who seem to have a vacillating hearing problem in which most of their die hard publicum hear certain things in clarity and then on others are fuzzy.

“It is a really strange phenomena.” stated Irving Earwig, a specialist with the “Can You Hear Me Now?” Ear Institute of Huh?, Mississippi. “If you say to them ‘The government is not taking away your guns, they only want to limit high chambered guns and guns of mass destruction.’ Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Politics4 Comments

World’s Oldest Person dies – Again

World’s Oldest Person dies – Again

Medical experts are scratching their heads as another elderly person has mysteriously passed away this week. Newspapers the world over shared the sad news that the World’s Oldest Person has just died. This is the latest in a rash of similar news stories.

Just last month, Besse Cooper, at the time the World’s Oldest Person, died quietly in her bed at a Monroe, Ga. nursing home. She was a spry 116 years old. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Society3 Comments

Plan to Introduce Head Lice in Ohio Schools Has Many Scratching Their Heads

Plan to Introduce Head Lice in Ohio Schools Has Many Scratching Their Heads

The Ohio State Board of Education is set to vote on a new policy aimed at curbing violence in Ohio schools by introducing head lice to K-12 campuses statewide.

The vote comes on the heels of a similar decision by the Montpelier Board of Education, which approved a measure to release head lice onto K-12 students of the Williams County School District earlier this year.

School officials say the decision to voluntarily infest Ohio students is aimed at preventing incidents of violence among students relying on on “a proven method with roots predating human history.”

“Look, if you’re like most people, just hearing the word ‘lice’ makes you want to scratch,” said Harry Pickens, Public Relations Director for the Ohio Department of Education.

“But guess what?” he asked, inspecting my head carefully. “You get used to it! Head lice aren’t harmful. They aren’t dangerous. They don’t spread disease, or cause injury. They’re not even unsanitary! In fact, they are most happy when living, feeding and reproducing on a regularly cleaned human head.

“But more importantly,” Pickens continued, smoothing my hair back into place, “the act of social grooming – picking lice out of each other’s hair, for example – is a crucial activity among social creatures like primates and humans, and has been for tens of millions of years. It reinforces social structures and family links, and helps build relationships. Social grooming is even a basis for reconciliation and conflict resolution.

“Mark my words: That’s just the sort of thing that’s going to keep these kids from shooting each other someday,” he said, scratching.

“Not to nit-pick, but when we wage a war on head lice and win, we actually lose, because a fundamental method of building human relationships dies along with them,” concluded Pickens. “The only clear winners here are the shampoo companies.”

While the Board of Education’s plan gets under the skin of some Ohio residents, others find it less irritating than previous alternatives.

Ohio native Morgan Lingonberry of Defiance County had this to say:

“When I was a kid, the teacher stuffed a sock in my mouth, duct-taped my hands and feet together, and threw me in a plywood box down the hall when I misbehaved in class. But, who knows? Maybe if the girl that sat behind me in math class had been picking bugs out of my hair, it would have calmed me down a little bit. I probably wouldn’t have gotten into nearly so much trouble.”

The Ohio Association of School Nurses’ position on the issue: “Studies have shown that head lice are not harmful to anything but our delicate sensibilities. There is clearly an unnecessary social stigma surrounding these hapless blood-sucking vermin. If having lice didn’t result in social judgment, we probably wouldn’t even care about them at all.

“On the other hand, studies have also shown that mutual grooming is a precursor to coitus and pair bonding, so the Ohio school board will probably need to balance their efforts by handing out lots of condoms to lice-infested teens.”

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Posted in Education, Health1 Comment

Weight-Loss Program Guarantees You’ll Lose Interest in Under 2 Weeks

Weight-Loss Program Guarantees You’ll Lose Interest in Under 2 Weeks

INDIANAPOLIS – As millions of Americans continue to return to post-holiday life, a controversial new weight-loss program – pioneered by a self-help guru in California – guarantees that dieters will lose interest in the program in just 2 weeks.

Launching his lifestyle book Lose Interest In Healthy Eating: 14 Days Back to the Same Old You, Dr. Allen Wilkes insisted Monday that while his methods may not appeal to everyone, weight-conscious Americans can return to an apathetic lifestyle after “two weeks of giving it their best shot.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Health1 Comment

Fat People Live Longer, Healthier Lives, According to New Research

Fat People Live Longer, Healthier Lives, According to New Research

It’s finally time to get off the treadmill and stuff down some pork sausage as researchers have determined that people who have at least 30% body fat live longer, healthier lives than their active, slim counterparts.

“Fat people tend to live longer and enjoy life more than thin people”, said Katherine Flegal, epidemiologist with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention as she munched on a bag of M&Ms. “We recommend that people ‘pork up’ to be healthy!”

Previous research suggested that active people with a body mass index (BMI) between 18% and 25% were the healthiest but new research finds a BMI between 25% and 34% to be the healthiest.

McDonald’s Restaurant is taking advantage of the new findings by declaring Big Macs as ‘health food’ and encourages its patrons to drink more sugary soft drinks.

“We want out thinnest patrons to become healthy”, said McDonald’s spokesperson Sheila Gross. “We will be providing more high-calorie, healthy choices such as boneless rib sandwiches to bring people up to a healthy body mass index”.

Researchers say they are uncertain as to why fat people are healthier than thin people but suggest it may be because fat people enjoy life more.

A study of 1,000 centenarians suggests that so-called ‘healthy’ lifestyle choices have nothing to do with longevity and may actually be causing people to die young.

“I’ve been sitting on my ass, smoking cigarettes and eating shit for my whole life and I feel terrific!” said 103 year old Jennifer Petant.

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