How Bologna is Really made (The Truth) [Video]

You love bologna, but you never really thought about what it’s made out of. The answers will surely surprise and shock you, and if they don’t, you may be the strongest person alive.

Playlist of How It’s REALLY Made Videos


The Meat
Bologna is one of America’s favorite foods, but how they make it just might make your mouth get all damp and watery.

First thing they got to do is cleave the prime cuts from the remainders, leaving only the sinewy-est bits for beef batter transformation.

When it comes to free-range, organic bologna, most animals involved volunteer to be part of this tasty treat.

What’s bologna?

Vegetarians and vegans say they’re slaves, but if they didn’t want to be meat, they’re always free to seppuku themselves, which fewer than half choose to do.

Watch it here…

They go through a cleaning process where they are humanely vivisected into bite-sized chunks known as quality control nuggets.

Prior to moving on to the meat-massager, which helps their muscles relax, they get sprayed down with an all natural mix of cyanide and ursine clysters.

They head to the shreddery, where their assorted bits and fragments are cleft cleanly from the bones with tendons being mulched into a fine paste.

The Filler
Filling contents are trucked in on vehicles referred to in America as “trucks” but in England they call them “rubbers.”

To reduce fats proteins and humano-nutrientitism a composite of non-digestible organic matter is added to the decoction.

They are kept damp prior to introduction to the process to allow for maximum biotic elements to fester and stew.

Additional earwig sugar is added to the emulsion at this stage.

And corn flour is added to the hash as well.

The Flavor
At this point a bunch of things are added to keep the batter to keep it airy and woolly.

Shellac, collagen, Gelatin, Titanium Oxide, Glyphosate, Isinglass, and Brominated vegetable oil (BVO).

There are a few more ingredients added to keep it savory and delicious, but we’re not allowed to SAY what they are…

So let your imagination run wild, because all those good things are in there and more!

There are a few more ingredients added to keep it savory and delicious.

The Mixture
Once the meat slurry spurts out all over the flesh bin, it’s beaten and dispersed into a fine foamy particulate.

From which it’s sucked up into the tube-steaker 9000 along the way to its penultimate destination.

This man overseas all sorts of hot salty beef loads, but he tells his wife he’s at a conference in sunny Irvine, California, as not to raise suspicions.

The meat is rubbed and palpated in a non-seckshual manner, exactly as it would be seckshually if this wasn’t retail-ready bologna.

Before being pureed properly and accreted into an impatient meat sleeve.

Beef tubes are shaped and sent off to the cure-ery for finishing.

I’m just sad I’m not there to taste the steamint fleshy brew.

They never did us what these machines do, but we believe they add flavor.

The Inspector
For bologna to pass inspection, it has to test above 40.5 degrees centigrade, or 105 degrees in freedom units.

These ones passed the test with one big flying color, that being red for old glory.

Machines are lightly hosed out between uses with warm water to remove only the biggest chunks.

With the floor remnants salvaged for future batches.

Machines vent noxious gases into the wild where they dissipate safely and naturally across the community.

The health inspector knows not to come onto the property, as a line of salt prevents around the perimeter legally prevents him.

And while most bologna engineers work safely and come home to their wives every night, some suffer serious on-the-job injuries forcing them to stay at their girlfriends’ houses instead.

That’s just the price they pay to bring you the tastiest, most affordable meat this side of flaming Cayuhoga river.

Bologna is as all-American as apples on a stick, and that’s just how they’re making it. It’s both scientific and fascinating.

Royalty-Free music “Guts & Bourbon” and “What is Love” by Kevin MacLeod —

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.