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How Sausages are Really Made: Shocking

How Sausages are Really Made: Shocking

Brian K. White, this poor lil city-dwellin’ Seattle Washing ‘un type, has been sayin’ on the Youtube:

Everyone loves sausage, but few of us know how it’s REALLY made.
The answer is not merely shocking, but equal parts disgusting and delicious.

FAKE NEWS!
Sausages, now them yokes all git gonna be newwwwwtricious and auspicious!
Before, Bobby Joe done git y’all these there purty lil videos on…
The Youtube!
Videos are them things what makes the entersplainment real funny, and a damn good thing to us all we be doin’ with!
When y’all sittin’ in the shack on your one-man lonesome, ain’t nuffing better than a good wholesome, heartsome, MOCK-YOU-MEANT-AREE to chase away the cobwebs, and make your heart sing up and float to skies like a goddarn goose-varmint.

TRANSCRIPT:
Sausages, they’re like hot dogs but bigger and plumper, and they’re so darn tasty.
So let’s find out how they done do make them.
This up-cycled asbestos plant mulches over a thousand increments a day of sausages.
They bring in damp, luke-warm carcii for snipping and trimming.
Some manimals are dipped live in boiling oil or H202 and a bath of human flop sweat to keep them so fresh tasting. Red snapper isn’t usually included, but they introduce them before dying to give them some sort of meaning in their lives.
The murdertorium is where the best bits are trimmed from the rest, leaving only the fattiest bits for the sausages.
They hack for days in a balmy room to make sure none of the good bits head on to the festertorium.
Grubs not only break down the proteins in sausages which make them so tough, but add a bit of tasty flavor, best described as your dinner.
For organic sausage, a puree of sage, pine needles and assorted other stuff what which you find in nature is added all up inside the meat, as if to make it disinfected, though in the industry nobody believes that.
Clean meats, carefully trimmed roll off the assembly line to other parts of the factory, where they’ll be used for normal food instead of sausages.
Bits are kibbled until it’s the consistency of a fine sriracha, punched by an assortment of tough-guy augers breaking them down bully-like.
Fillers are added at this point, including fine silica, coarse silica, and flavors including calcium carbonate and clay, as well as water and a heaping quarter barrel of salt.
Many varieties include porkshmallows.
More clay is added, since it’s organic, low calorie and technically non-toxic.
Toenails and human feces may be added at this point, for regional tastes.
Baking soda is heaped atop the mix as to see what reactions may just occur.
At this point, the mass of animal shreds is known informally as the Minh ju Kulunge, and looks every bit as yummy as its namesake.
The chemicals begin to react, but it’s not quite time to put them in their bung casings.
The tummy rumbler mixes additional parts guano and marrow grind for added calcium, before spurting it through the arbortetum grate.
A 2:1 bath of rocksalt is added in hopes of disenfecting the remaining Escherichia coli, but thanks to lax regulations,
they are able to ship it before testing.
Today is this man’s last day on the job, so he’s adding four pounds of laxatives to the mix.
There are no moving parts in this tub, but the violent bacterial battles still make it move all jiggly like.
Now it’s time for the casings. If you don’t know what these are, these the sleeves upon which I wear my wife, if she’s had enough to drink.
Baloon knots are tied off by the sphinctwister before moving on.
These slaps ensure she knows what she done did, and that she’s a very naughty girl.
Smokin’ kills, but don’t tell that to your sausage. I certainly haven’t.
Smaller ones squirt out so quickly too, but that’s totally normal, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
They are left to cure, which is something many men wish would happen to our sausages without going to the doctor.
Once out of the oven, Weiner stuffers sleeve them up for sealing.
This machine makes shiyart sausages for sale in upscale vending machines in Japan.
And that’s how you make sausages.
[Oh come on, it’s one of the words you only read but never hear out loud, okay I’m sorry if I’m saying it all wrong-like].
More ‘How It’s Made’ videos available online!
Playlist of How It’s REALLY Made Videos:

Backing music by Greg The Hero.

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This post was written by

- who has written 514 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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