Categorized | Health, War Zone

Sneezing is One Tenth of an Orgasm: Islamic State Make War on Moldy Houses

Sneezing is One Tenth of an Orgasm: Islamic State Make War on Moldy Houses

ISIS and dodgy landlords.
One is an evil gang of nefarious gangsters and mafiosi, who give zero fucks about anyone else, and will trample over anyone in their day, doing whatever it takes to expand their evil empire.
The other one is an Islamic terrorist organization!
Still, it turns out that the freewheeling, freeriding anarcho-capitalist idealists and rugged individualists, er, Unitarians, are not at all satisfied with their radical Marxist housing policy of forcibly de-gentrifying the ancient Syrian metropolis of Palmyra.
Nah!
This time, ISIS have set their sights on a new global target.
Writing a new universally-valid fatwa that pretty much nobody gives zero fucks about, the sexiest hot-ass, stringy-beard, black-cloaked fascists er, fashionistas and Khomeini subs sub-Khomeiniesque 80s throwback fancy bears have declared war on moldy houses.
But why?
It turns out that just like zero interest on your credit cards, FGM, alcohol prohibition and beating the living shite out of your concubines, this apparently authoritarian measure is really just about good self-care and preservation of health:

The foolish and benighted People of the Book, upon whom be Allah’s steadfast wrath, have said tha sneezing is one-tenth of an orgasm.
Haram architectural practices are a Zionist conspiracy.
THE ISLAM, IT IS SIMPLE.
THE ISLAM, IT IS NICE!
Sneezing in a house has been forbidden by Allah, because it is ordained that the one who sneezes ten times, lacking the company of her Mahram, shall spend ten thousand thousand thousand times ten centuries in hell.
THE ISLAM, IT IS SIMPLE.
THE ISLAM, IT IS NICE!
It is forbidden to sneeze when one is not in the presence of one’s husband.
THE ISLAM, IT IS SIMPLE.
THE ISLAM, IT IS NICE!
The Shaitan is cunning, and he uses his Zioliberal Hasbarah in order to build the house that makes the Zina.
If you make a sex with the hot girl, it is haram.
THE ISLAM, IT IS SIMPLE.
THE ISLAM, IT IS NICE!
We like the Islam, it is nice.
THE ISLAM, IT IS SIMPLE.
THE ISLAM, IT IS NICE!
In the Islam, you get nice pussy, my Caliph, he make a nice sex with virgin pussy.
THE ISLAM, IT IS SIMPLE.
THE ISLAM, IT IS NICE!
Join the Islam, it is path to success.
THE ISLAM, IT IS SIMPLE.
THE ISLAM, IT IS NICE!

Tankies, Trots and SJWs all over the world immediately endorsed the fatwa, screaming with self-righteous bourgeois indignation at anyone who criticized it.

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- who has written 326 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Conspirator-in-Chief of the Peace Criminals Project: Neocon Surveillance& Satirical-Industrial Complex! Also published on a range of satire sites. Currently co-editing Glossy News (under the webmaster, Brian K. White). Contact me to pitch or submit your satire! David Cameron says I am a #TerroristSympathizer. Islamists say I am an #Islamophobe. New Atheists think I am a #CravenApologistForPrimitiveBronzeAgeSuperstitions. MRAs & Alt-Right think I'm a #MatriarchalCuck. Others say I'm a #StraightMiddleClassWhiteBoy. And still more think I'm a #FuckingPleb. Just another edgy day at the Satirist's office! I am the Mayor of the Zero Fucks Community ;) @w_runnymede (Twitter) wallacerunnymede@gmail.com

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