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Scientists Determine Noah Killed Dinosaurs

Scientists Determine Noah Killed Dinosaurs

THE WOODLANDS, TX (GlossyNews) — With the demise of the dinosaurs millions of years ago remaining a hotbed of debate and disagreement, scientists from around the globe gathered together for a conference to determine the conclusive cause of their eradication. Continue Reading

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Berkeley Sociologists Urge Americans to Stay the Hell Away from Alaska

Berkeley Sociologists Urge Americans to Stay the Hell Away from Alaska

Since learning of Phil Harris’ death a few weeks ago, sociologists from U.C. Berkeley have been working feverishly to complete a lengthy report on life — and more importantly, death — in the 49th state. Today, they published their preliminary findings. Continue Reading

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Pfizer Pharmaceutical Develops More Potent Placebo

Pfizer Pharmaceutical Develops More Potent Placebo

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer Pharmaceutical claims they have developed a more potent placebo that has been proven to work better in controlled experiments than other doctor prescribed placebos.

“Our placebo has a foul taste and smell”, said Pfizer representative Peter Gruber. “Also, our placebo is more expensive than most other placebos. Continue Reading

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Scientists Discover Medical Link to SIDS — Not the Demon Lilith

Scientists Discover Medical Link to SIDS — Not the Demon Lilith

After two decades of work, doctors and medical researchers in the United States believe they have evidence that abnormally low levels of serotonin — a chemical in the brain that helps control breathing during sleep — plays a pivotal role in causing sudden infant death syndrome. This discovery completely flies in the face of conventional wisdom, which has attributed the unexplained death of otherwise healthy infants to attacks by the Mesopotamian storm demon, Lilith. Continue Reading

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College Freshman and Brewing Company Discover Social Anxiety Disorder Cure

College Freshman and Brewing Company Discover Social Anxiety Disorder Cure

LOS ANGELES, CA — Martin Freneticksburg, a college freshman, found himself diagnosed with social anxiety disorder last September after he pledged to a fraternity only to crumble under the ridicule and embarrassment of the customary hazing. Martin is not alone. Doctors say this experience is becoming more common in young adults, especially females. Continue Reading

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New Study Proves Americans are Highly Pissed Off

New Study Proves Americans are Highly Pissed Off

A British team of doctors recently developed a color wheel that they say can be used to determine if mood affects color choice. The wheel, known as the “Manchester Color Wheel” (they obviously were spent after the research and could only muster a rather generic name for their invention), is comprised of a spectrum of colors on a wheel, and subjects were asked to point to the color that best described their mood. The study group consisted of 300 healthy subjects and around 220 subjects suffering from some type of anxiety or depression. Continue Reading

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Scientists Would Store Radioactive Waste In Your Yard

Scientists Would Store Radioactive Waste In Your Yard

Cambridge MA (GlossyNews) — Scientists in a leading institute of technology announced this week that they are making headway into a bold new way to store radioactive waste. Stepping back from creating huge ‘landfills’ of radioactive waste, two scientists are taking a different approach.

The scientists — physicist Dr Hugo Green, and photocytologist Dr Melvin Wirths, APS, decided it would be easier — and safer — to store the radioactive waste in tiny, microscopic amounts. An added benefit — it will make your yard look better! Continue Reading

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Aliens Walk Among Us (in Bulgaria Anyway)

Aliens Walk Among Us (in Bulgaria Anyway)

Aliens from the Planet Nibiru and also the Pliedes, Lyra and Draco star systems have been visiting Earth for Millenniums what horologists term ‘a very long time’ – according to Bulgarian scientist Prof. Gregor von Numpty – and what is more “They speak Bulgarian and adore eating Karvama – as they claim it tastes just like human flesh.” Continue Reading

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Virgin Galactic Hijacked By Cylon Robots

Virgin Galactic Hijacked By Cylon Robots

The worlds first space vehicle designed to allow passengers to experience space travel and weightlessness was hijacked today by robotic Cylons demanding that they be flown to somewhere called the “12 Colonies”. The Virgin Galactic was just preparing for takeoff when a number of metal, evil looking robots entered the bridge by force and took control. Continue Reading

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Pope to Search Space For New Communicants/Converts

Pope to Search Space For New Communicants/Converts

THE VATICAN, Rome — The Pontifical Academy sent out news this week that the Vatican was beginning to search far and wide for new communicants. This seemingly sudden rush to sign up new members follows quickly on the rather poor response to Pope B-Dict’s pass at the dissatisfied clergy of the Anglican and Episcopal churches of England and the USA respectively. Continue Reading

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Higgs Boson Refuses to Come Clean on Universal Secrets

Higgs Boson Refuses to Come Clean on Universal Secrets

Big Bang theories that actually went ‘Bang!’, top quantum physics scientists arrested for belonging to Jolly Jihadi terrorist groups, toxic rhubarb gas leaking into the main critical mass vacuum chambers – and a legion of similar mysterious breakdowns – involving CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC) – have begun to make the entire shebang appear like the world’s most FUBAR and jinxed experiment since the creation of Communism. Continue Reading

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Ancient British Alphabet Block Discovered

Ancient British Alphabet Block Discovered

NORTHERN ENGLAND (BobZaguy) – British archaeologists at the University of York in the city of York, have found quite the rare surprise — an unusually well-preserved children’s alphabet block. It is pictured in the bottom right hand corner of the photo at left. Next to what at first glance seems to be a human skull. Continue Reading

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