Categorized | Environment, Science

Dung Becomes Newest Clean Energy

Dung Becomes Newest Clean Energy

Fibrominn, LLC in Benson, Minnesota has the distinction of being the first U.S. power plant fired by turkey droppings in an effort wean the U.S. from fossil fuel to fecal fuel. And the turkeys couldn’t be happier. The plant burns 90 percent turkey dung and in an ironic twist, creates “clean” power from “filthy nasty” fuel for approximately 40,000 homes.

The other 10% consists of a combination of bull hockey, pig poop and chicken crap. There are three similar plants in England, but the Minnesota-based facility is the first large-scale plant of its type in the US, as well as the largest in the world. Totally full of crap, the 55-megawatt plant burns 500,000 tons of gobble-gobble doo-doo a year, making the U.S. the world leader in turkey poopy technology.

With turkey droppings now an emerging “green” energy source, the holiday dietary habits of Americans are destined to change, since you can’t have “renewable” energy if you keep eating the energy provider.

Turkey power has raised the status of the lowly bird from seasonal food source to major energy source. Now a critical cog in the nation’s clean energy policy, there is some apprehension that turkey farmers may become an organized bloc, similar to OPEC or the Illuminati.

the Organization of Hybrid Combustion Reserves and Avian Power (OHCRAP) envisions a day when cars will run on a combination of gasoline, turkey dung and partially-decomposed restaurant garbage, vastly reducing the West’s dependence on foreign oil.

Of course, as one alternative energy expert pointed out, filling up your tank may become “a bit complicated.”

Recently declassified documents reveal that research into power generation from bull hockey has been ongoing since the 80’s, and many of the largest energy companies have actually powered their organizations with vast loads of it for some time. Much of it is handled in processing plants, but the majority is still smeared evenly over the mainstream media, politicians and directly onto consumers.

The emergence of turkey dookie as a competing energy source is hoped to shift the balance from B.S. to T.S., but analysts say it’s too soon to tell what trends may emerge.

And unlike the ozone-depleting side effects of cow manure, turkey feces emits far less greenhouse gas. “If a turkey produced as much gas as a cow, the damned thing would explode,” said a prominent scientist at the Energy Department who declined to be identified in a story by Glossy News.

Eager to jump on the biomass bandwagon, the White House is in the planning stages of a plant to be built in Washington D.C., considered by experts in several fields to be a leading source of manure worldwide.

“Actually, Washington has been the leading source of crap for almost 100 years now With such a wide variety of waste to choose from, and plenty of hot-air for combustion, the goal of establishing an energy policy based on a diversity of readily available sources is finally in the can,” said Energy Secretary Stephen Chu, allegedly speaking off-the-record.

“Between the Senate, the Congress and the White House, we can realistically anticipate total U.S. energy independence within minutes, not decades.” With that in mind, White House spin doctors are being proactive in setting the tone for Obama’s second term, scratching the former campaign slogan of “Yes, We Can” in favor of “The More Crap, The Better”.

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NOTE: No discredit to Fibrominn, they’re doing great work over there… but you have to admit, it’s a pretty funny jumping off point for a satirical story.

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This post was written by

- who has written 69 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Deceased and recently reanimated writer haunting websites worldwide.

The Afterlife has no cable TV so I initially came back as one of the Writing Dead on the Internet. But you can literally starve looking for brains to eat on some sites.

Lost and disillusioned in the Netherworld, I wandered in limbo looking for meaningful work. I worked on Bernie Sander’s campaign as a ghost writer until I was approached by The Sith and reanimated as a Sith Writer. Sure they could use a better dental plan but I ‘m back, in black, and dressed for Sithcess.


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2 Responses to “Dung Becomes Newest Clean Energy”

  1. SamIAm says:

    This story is total bullshit!

  2. HORSESHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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