Stress is the number one mental problem plaguing society today. Stress can lead to obesity, anorexia, suicide, and color T.V. Did you know that there has been a 20% increase of stress-related spontaneous combustion in April 2011 due only to rumors of Whoopi Goldberg leaving The View?
It gets worse. More and more people are committing suicide upon hearing that burgers and YouTube aren’t “healthy.” But why are people more stressed now then ever? Well one can easily point a finger at the mainstream media and their excessive reminder to the people that “celebrities do stuff.”
It is a widely known fact that having a job can be stressful but being unemployed can be equally or more stressful. In fact, living in general can be extremely stressful. That’s why, until recently, the number one cure for stress has been a toaster in the bathtub.
Although, recently in the midst of a stressed out world there is a buzz about a new possible cure for stress. Dr. Robert Krenshof has synthesized the world’s first pharmaceutical designed to completely eliminate stress. This compound (currently pending approval from the FDA) works by shutting down 95% of the functional brain. By doing this, the user still has just enough to get through their daily routine but this time, stress free.
The new medication known as Stresscylex is known to not only eliminate stress, but also a laundry list of stressful mental and bodily functions which include nausea, humor, happiness, sadness, sarcasm, cynicism empathy, sympathy, interracial backgammon, disappointment, excitement, nervousness, hunger, most of your childhood memories, headaches, teeth, and basic social skills, just to name a few.
Some users have also reported a feeling of no longer being “self aware” while using it. Stresscylex or “the light at the end of the tunnel” as it is referred to by its users, is a cheap yet effective medication that is simply injected into one’s pupils. Dr. Krenshof himself is quickly gaining notoriety among the test patient scene.
“He is the savior of a generation, just like Colonel Sanders,” remarked one test patient who had a particularly bad experience with Stressicylex, which goes to show what the users who have had good experiences must feel (they could not give a satisfactory interview due to the fact that they were confused at the concept of feelings and emotion); however, there was every indication that they were stress free!
Stresscylex is expected to be approved by the FDA this December and would make a perfect stocking stuffer for anyone. Dr. Krenshof assures that there has only been one death and three cases of “self-kidnapping.” It won’t be much longer before we can all live in a stress- free world!
Is this medication approved? Where can i find more information about it?
self awareness is too mainstream
“Some users have also reported a feeling of no longer being “self aware” while using it.”
Self-awareness is a drag.