Athens, Greece – GlossyNews.com – Archaeologists digging in the Greek Peloponnese in the region of ancient Sparta have reported the amazing discovery of a virtually intact Spartan high school once attended by at least 100 students.
The Spartans were the ancient Greeks known for their warlike society and, well, spartan lifestyle as depicted in the popular Hollywood animated movie 300.
Some historians claim they were even a model for the Nazis of the 1930’s and 40’s, with their ruthless practices of eugenics (killing babies), unenlightened child rearing (killing nerds), brutal warfare (killing neighbors), uneatable food (self-mutilation) and a type of romance based mainly on rape.
Close analysis of the excavated site of the high school has provided priceless knowledge about what it was like to be an ancient male Spartan high school brat around 500 BC. “There was no goofing around in this school or not doing what they told you, I can promise you that,” says lead archaeologist Aristotle D. Anatole of the Greek Institute of Archaeological Science.
“You screw it up, you die. Period. No `Go to the principal’s office.’ They drop you off a cliff in the Aegean Sea, that is that.”
What kinds of classes did ancient Spartan kids take at this high school? According to writing on some stone tablets it appears there were only specific skills taught, not classes, the most popular being spear thrusting, sword hacking, eye gouging, ear biting, balls squeezing, and shield banging, the latter possibly an ancient form of band practice. In any case, the Spartans clearly were not into social studies.
Even so lunchtime was apparently much like at present-day suburban American high schools though with a bit more restricted menu.
While today’s American students complain about having to eat spaghetti-o’s and macaroni-and-hamburger the Spartan lunchtime menu consisted of only one item, chicken blood mixed with finely ground grain meal, an ancient type of sports drink referred to as soliorana, roughly translated as “manure shake.”
Also like today’s high school kids, the ancient Spartans went on field trips. But theirs were different. “The fields and woods around the school are littered with bashed in skulls and fractured bones,” says Anatole.
“They liked to chase down Helot slaves and bash their heads in. This was their idea of a learning experience, like today kids dissect frogs. Remember, the Spartans were trying to produce stone cold killers, not doctors and lawyers, and murdering people is something you can only learn by doing.”
What’d the Spartan boys get in the way of sex education? The answer was gym class. Most days the Spartan girls would show up and exercise naked out on the athletic field while the boys watched. “But it was all watch, no touch,” says Anatole. “Even less fun than cyber-sex, if you ask me. In fact this may be the only form of sex education ever known that was even more masturbation-inducing than going to a Catholic school.”
Eventually, the Spartan superman culture faded away, he says, especially after the Helot slaves revolted and the neighboring Thebesians invaded. “It just got not-fun anymore to be a Spartan killing machine,” says Anatole. “Just like the Nazis 2500 years later, they found out being Superman can be a major pain in the butt.”