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Publication of “The Brian Williams Story” Nixed

Publication of “The Brian Williams Story” Nixed

Excerpts from “The Brian Williams Story”, a rumored biography that will now apparently never see print:

November 9, 1989
“All I can say is that it was an honor and a thrill to be the only major American news anchor on site when the Berlin Wall fell. It was a combination of good luck and astute planning that put me there that night so that I could report this major event back home to our NBC viewing audience. Or maybe it was Tom Brokaw. The important thing is that we were there.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Television0 Comments

Kanye West is a Breadophile! Horrifying Truth Comes Out at the Grammys!

Kanye West is a Breadophile! Horrifying Truth Comes Out at the Grammys!

Los Angeles, California – Underfilled baskets, uncooked breadsticks and inappropriate butterings. These were the truths revealed by rapper, Kanye West, this past Sunday at the 57th Annual Grammy Awards in the Staples Center.

The man who crashed Taylor Swift’s award reception at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards arrived in a stretch limo and entered the building with a guest he introduced as Kim Karbatchian. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Music0 Comments

Katy Perry Spent a Lot Of Time Contemplating Her Super Bowl Act

Katy Perry Spent a Lot Of Time Contemplating Her Super Bowl Act

“Maybe I should do a French Kiss with another superstar like Brittany Spears and Madonna did. I wonder if Taylor Swift would be available for that? Or should I do an underwear-less limo exit like Brittany did that one time? That got a lot of coverage.”

A lot of money and concern is spent by performers and by the NFL alike preparing for the biggest sporting event and one of the biggest entertainment shows of the year in the U.S. Almost anything goes for this colossal showcase which mixes the two key elements that made America great — show business and football. Almost anything… Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Sports Events4 Comments

Harper Lee to publish sci-fi inspired “To Kill a Mockingbird” sequel

Harper Lee to publish sci-fi inspired “To Kill a Mockingbird” sequel

Over 50 years after her last novel, it was announced today that reclusive author Harper Lee will have a new title gracing bookshelves later this year.

Mockingbird II: The Revenge is currently set for a blockbuster Summer 2015 release. Asked why the decision to release a sequel now after so many years, Lee responded simply with the word, “cash.”

A graphic companion novel entitled 2 Kill 2 Mockingbirdz is also rumored to be in the works, as well as a Mockingbird-themed mobile app for iOS and Android. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Talky Pictures1 Comment

John McCain Wants My Money, Assumes I’m (Fiscally?) Retarded

John McCain Wants My Money, Assumes I’m (Fiscally?) Retarded

Oh Johnny Mac, you were once a man of principle. Now you’re not even a man of interest.

With a subject line of “Get out of here, you low-life scum”. Oh this, promises to be great.

What follows from there is an avalan-tsunami-cane of red meat pandering lies. Not the usual half-truths, mind you, but outright lies. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics0 Comments

Banned Fiat Super Bowl Commercial Raised Eyebrows, Hackles

Banned Fiat Super Bowl Commercial Raised Eyebrows, Hackles

‘Tis the season when marketers go the extra mile and even passive fans stick to their TVs, even if just to watch the commercials.

Fiat ran a clever commercial this year, but it was nothing close to the one they originally wanted to show.

Italians, man. I can’t speak directly to their cars, marketing or choice in leading ladies, but I can say this was a pretty clever ad in its original form. Continue Reading

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Posted in Television, Video News0 Comments

Did I Bake That? Jaleel White Reprises Role in Upcoming Sequel

Did I Bake That? Jaleel White Reprises Role in Upcoming Sequel

Burbank, California – The Olive Garden is rising from the grave in the newest sitcom premiering in March on Fox from Executive Producer, Tyler Perry.

The new show, Family Platters, is a sequel to the 90s hit, Family Matters, that ran for 9 seasons and 215 episodes between 1989 and 1998.

“It’s exciting!” Said Reginald VelJohnson, who is ecstatic to reprise his role as Carl Winslow.

“The whole cast really became close on the set of the original show and after getting the call from Tyler Perry that we were going to be filming a Tyler Perry reproduction of a Tyler Perry production, we all had smiles on our faces,” VelJohnson added. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Television0 Comments

2014’s Biggest Douchebag of the Year — Dan Bilzerian

2014’s Biggest Douchebag of the Year — Dan Bilzerian

Douchebags. Everyone gets their fair of share of douchebags in life, from the fleeting obnoxious ones that drive past you in their pimped out Ford Fiestas in a flurry of LEDs and screeching tyres, to the annoying ones who just have to tell everyone at the party about how they once played beer pong for 5 hours straight. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Internets Tubes4 Comments

Scott Stapp Forced to Sell Beloved Olive Garden Memorabilia

Scott Stapp Forced to Sell Beloved Olive Garden Memorabilia

Orlando, Florida – Following a costly divorce, ongoing drug addiction and malicious hacker attacks to his bank accounts, Creed’s lead singer, Scott Stapp, who was once worth as much as 30 million dollars, is now flat broke and homeless.

Stapp’s money woes are so bad that he has been forced to liquidate antiques, memorabilia and treasured mementoes to avoid bankruptcy. These items include a signed copy of Britney Spears’ 1999 Rolling Stone Magazine cover, the bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey he drank from in a 2003 suicide attempt and his most prized possession, a plaque containing two breadsticks from Olive Garden’s very first batch, baked on February 4, 1982. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment32 Comments

Fan Donations to the NFL on the Rise

Fan Donations to the NFL on the Rise

NEW YORK – Many American football fans may not realize that the National Football League (NFL) is not a corporation, but a tax-exempt organization.

Recently some real die-hard fans have been donating money to their beloved NFL, even though their donations are not tax-deductible.

“Football is my life,” says Wayne Smetsky of Green Bay, Wisconsin, who recently donated $500 to the NFL. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Sports Events2 Comments

One Direction Alters Name in Honor of Extinct Restaurant Chain

One Direction Alters Name in Honor of Extinct Restaurant Chain

New York City –

“Olive Garden you light up my tummy like nobody else,
The way your breadsticks are buttered gets me overwhelmed,
When I’m docile and out of pounds it ain’t hard to tell,
You don’t go,
Oh, oh,
You always know your baskets full”

These are lyrics from the band’s newest song “What Makes Your Baskets Full” as performed for the first time on Saturday Night Live this past weekend, honoring the beloved restaurant chain that featured never-ending breadstick baskets that once came complimentary with the purchase of any entree or as part of the soup and salad lunch option.

Following the appetizingly delicious performance, the band announced they will now be known as Bun Direction or BD for short, in honor of the creature that roamed the earth for more than 32 years before succumbing to extinction early last year.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said Saturday Night Live’s creator, Lorne Michaels, from his New York City office he had customized to resemble an authentic Olive Garden restaurant. “I had been in touch with the band’s managers last year when the Olive Garden left our world and it was just a matter of timing as the band’s members loved putting the long and narrow items in their mouths more than anyone else,” Michaels added.

In addition to the updated number they plan on adding to their next album, Bake Me Home, expected to be released in March, Bun Direction has already been asked to perform at the Brit Awards on February 25th in their hometown of London (backyard for Niall James Horan who is from Ireland).

“Every time we sing this song, we can taste the smooth, buttery flavor on our lips,” the band said collectively in a recent interview with Alton Brown, creator and host of the Food Network show, Good Eats. “We hope this song, along with our new name, will ensure that the world will never forget,” the band added.

To download merchandise with the new logo and to download complete lyrics for “What Makes Your Baskets Full” please visit www.onedirectioninabun.com

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Posted in Entertainment, Music1 Comment

Super Best Technological Advancement in Making of Online Website

Super Best Technological Advancement in Making of Online Website

It was only after the internet came into light as a big roar that online websites started to grow like mushrooms after rain.

Previously used by academia since the 1980s, it was only by the 1990s that the commercialization of the internet came as an international network resulting in its popularization and fusion into almost every aspect of modern human life.

It was in year 1991 that a whole new world online began whereby there existed only one website, and even that one didn’t have a cat. This has swiftly grown throughout the years where now it exist over a billion websites. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes0 Comments

The Latest Personality Type Indicator Will Shock You

The Latest Personality Type Indicator Will Shock You

As outlined in the Breyers-Griggs Universal Spectrum® (BoGUS®) Statement of Aims and Objectives, the purpose of the popular personality test is two-fold:

1. To assist people in better understanding themselves, including their personal preferences, strengths and weaknesses, and scope of interests; and
2. To provide employers with resources to inform key decisions in areas such as staffing and seat assignments. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Report: All 24 Cosby Accusers Delusional, Conspiratorial Liars

Report: All 24 Cosby Accusers Delusional, Conspiratorial Liars

In response to accusations of sexual assault against Bill Cosby, his lawyers have repeatedly denied, dismissed and discredited allegations. However, they have yet to address each allegation individually.

Recently, we at Glossy News have discovered secret documents with the working response to each and every allegation.

1965 Allegation: Alleged victim passed out after drinking one cocktail at a party where she ended up being the sole guest; woke up to forced oral sex. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip3 Comments

Woman Who Regularly Chastises People for Offensive Jokes Now ‘Stands with Charlie Hebdo’

Woman Who Regularly Chastises People for Offensive Jokes Now ‘Stands with Charlie Hebdo’

Accompanied by her usual catch phrase, “this is NOT ok,” 25-year-old Katherine James posted an article on Facebook Wednesday night about how the tragic events regarding the French satire publication Charlie Hebdo “is a sad day for the freedom of expression.”

James, who just a few weeks prior posted an article condemning Chris Rock’s Saturday Night Live monologue because it addressed 9/11 and the Boston Marathon tragedies, went on to declare that the shooting of several French satirists for making a Muhammed joke was a “disgusting” event that violated the concept of freedom of speech that was fundamental to modern Western civilizations. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Crime1 Comment

2014 – The Year in Review: Part I (January – June)

2014 – The Year in Review: Part I (January – June)

As has been the proud tradition of this Pulitzer-Prize-denied publication since 1952 – except for 2012 (when the Mayan Calendar predicted the world would end, so I figured, what was the point) – it’s time for Glossy News’ Annual Year in Review for 2014.

In keeping with one of the hottest trends of the year, here’s your chance to binge read the important news stories of the past twelve months which you missed because you were too busy playing Candy Crush. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Society0 Comments

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