Does this Stress Make Me Look Fat? (Chapter Thirteen: Last of the Mohitoes)

More from Anthony Rhody’s book serial: “Does This Stress Make Me Look Fat?”

But now, as I begin to achieve complete mindfulness and acquire awesome wisdom through meditation and prescription pain-killers, there are certain tenets that I know are universal truths the moment I make them up.

Like this nugget:

It has turned out that the cream of the crop is lactose intolerant.

I try to never judge people who are better than me.

They say comedy is tragedy plus time.

Well, musical comedy is tragedy plus time plus choreography.

As far as gateway drugs go, marijuana is one of the best!

I think people should have to pass an I.Q. test before buying a smart phone.

I think we should have prisons for cars that commit vehicular manslaughter.

Helicopters too.

Oh – and ambulances.

God, I hate them so much!

I imagine Uranus is tired of being the butt of jokes.

I know mine is

I think bisexuals should have to file joint tax returns.

They say love is blind.

But no one ever mentions that sadomasochism love is blind-folded.

I think the athletes in the Special Olympics should also be tested for doping.

Speaking of which, when do the Special-K Olympics take place?

In related news: When will water-boarding become an Olympic event?

Of course all of these notions are moot, now that we have been presented with so many signs that the end times are at hand.

Somehow it’s the little things, the ostensibly inconsequential shifts in behavior that can loom most disturbingly; such as:

• When parents started cutting the bread crusts off of their kids’ sandwiches. ‘Not sure when this started; I only know it is still going on.
• When parents started giving psychotropic pharmaceuticals to their kids based on a doctor’s opinion that their kid is mentally ill. Ritalin-riddled rug rats running amok. Disturbing yet hilarious. Maybe if they only ate more bread crusts.
• When some people discovered they could create a heart-like shape with both of their hands together. I’d like to see monkeys do that! Stupid monkeys…
• When movie theater chains started designing “theaters” with recliner chairs and some even with tables on which to put the food and beverages you are ordering from a server running in and out – even after the movie has started. (Wait… I need a moment to calm down here.)
• When out-going/voice-mail messages started to inform us, while we are
waiting for someone to pick up: If you you feel like this is an emergency please dial 9-1-1. Thanks. What is this 9-1-1 thing you speak of?
• When competitive reality shows started leaving out the auditions by people who had zero talent for fear of – I guess – exploiting these individuals’ mental illnesses? Those are the most entertaining moments of all. Were. Were the most entertaining. Once again the disabled have their chance to shine taken away by p.c. do-gooders. Why do you think Little people never have movies made about them? Because the politically correct forbid it. Better that Little People in show biz have a really hard time finding work.
• When broadcast networks started going away to a commercial “break” for five, six fucking minutes and then come back for less than that before going off again to the next commercial break block. That’s long enough to forget what show you were watching – and long enough to stop caring.
• When television writers were no longer able to write dialogue for completely fluent-in-English characters because they themselves didn’t know what correct grammar and usage were.
• When a certain burger chain started running commercials touting its latest concoction with onion rings. Not alongside the burger but on top of and as part of the burger. Not to be out-done, a pizza chain soon announced a pizza that they baked surrounded by mini-hot dogs. Hot dogs. What? No. What? The Oreo cookies they tried got all melty so they went with another “meat”… So, without further do-do, the most important thing to remember during these troubled times: Funny means never having to say you’re sorry.

One last FUN FACT:

As the Bible says, It is better to set someone on fire than to curse the darkness.

But wait! There’s more:

Keep your friends close and your enemas closer.

Also remember always:

If you love something set it free.

If it doesn’t come back to you it was not to be.

Except for boomerangs…

If you have one of those and it doesn’t come back to you, that was probably a fucked-up boomerang you had on your hands.

Also, and in conclusion:

When you’re at the circus and you feel like you want to start shooting people, aim for the juggler.

However, leave the mime alone because — say it with me — a mime is a terrible thing to waste. With that said, I predict that someday everyone will be dead for fifteen minutes.

I will end with one final thought: I don’t want to be on my deathbed wishing I had looked at more porn.

Okay, that was the second last final thought.

Wait, let me grab a nice pillow to stitch this onto…

Got it.

Here goes – this is the final, final thought:

Hope is a promise that your heart makes.

Oh, now you fuckin’ laugh!

Author: Anthony Rhody

My name is Anthony Rhody. I was born in a small midwestern town when I was very young. I am a recovering Catholic and lapsed homosexual. Henceforth I spend a lot less time on my knees. I was a film major at Columbia in Chicago after my career in high school ended in scandal and must-deserved notoriety, plus a diploma. After two years of life in a seventeen-story dorm I was told I should go to the west coast (true story). Since then I have been a screenwriter primarily and a playwright on rare occasion. When I realized a couple years ago I had too many notes on humor and funny schtick to ever use in screenplays I decided to try to see how many of them I could throw together as a book of humor. "Does This Stress Make Me Look Fat?" is that book, not a medical journal on over-eating. I don't have any children and as far as I know, no sexual partners. I have lived in San Francisco since before there was a homeless problem - sorry, before so many folks were home free.