DSK Defense Laid Bare; The Wrath of Strauss-Kahn

According to lawyers for embattled Dominique Strauss-Kahn, it is now clear that “Nafi” Diallo was the accoster, not DSK himself, and that she was using the event to launch a “systematic campaign to deluge the media.” This view of events is disputed vigorously by Naffisato Diallo herself.

When “Nafi” Diallo entered the suite as a cleaning maid at the Sofitel hotel, DSK suddenly appeared from the bedroom naked. Lawyers said he was innocently wandering out of the bedroom when the maid entered to clean the apartment. He was then immediately accosted by her, “seizing the opportunity,” as one lawyer indicated, insisting on anonymity.

Another anonymous lawyer stated that the sight of the naked DSK apparently first drove the woman to place DSK’s hands on her own breasts, then next to chase him into the bedroom.

At that point, lawyers continued, she told him he must cooperate with her or she would need to hurt him. As the lawyers indicated, nodding their heads repeatedly, DSK is a small, elderly man who was completely at her mercy. Reports that he is ape-like and brutal are completely misinformed, they said.

She placed his hands on her crotch in such a manner that she suffered bruises and red marks verified at a hospital hours later, indicating the vehemence of her intentions. She then ordered DSK’s penile tool into her mouth—“penile tool” is evidently a new legal term—following which she had the effrontery to spit several times, as though displeased with his performance.

Lawyers also insisted that reports of DSK’s previous sexual activity have been exaggerated and usually the reverse of uncontrollable lust on the parts of the women involved.

Tristane Banon, for example, another woman involved in the scandal and daughter of a previous partner with DSK who enjoyed “brutal sex,” was most likely in the grip of fascination with DSK some years ago. Again nodding repeatedly, lawyers ventured that Banon undid her own bra while interviewing him, and then kicked him in frustration at his failure to cooperate with her desires.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn is one of the most powerful men in Europe, previously campaigning against ex-president Nikolas Sarkozy. Lawyers maintained that credibility belongs on his side, not on the side of a housemaid struggling to survive economically.

Lawyers also vigorously denied he had told his wife Anne Sinclair he “had had sex with three women . . . ‘as a last glass before hitting the road for the [French] presidential campaign’,” as reported by Newsweek (July 25, 2011) reporting on an earlier July story from the French publication Le Pointe.


Leaked Diary from Obama’s Secret Girlfriend

“Obama was sexually warm, but emotionally cool, early girlfriend says”
– headline from The Globe & Mail – May 3, 2012

Entries from the diary of Genevieve Cook reveal the details of Barack Obama’s first serious romantic relationship back in the early 1980s. And now we’re also learning about Mr. Obama’s latest romantic entanglement from the diary entries of someone called the American People:

August 28, 2008
Dear Diary,
I think I’m in love. His name is Barack and he appears to be everything I want in a man. He says all the right things and – be still my heart – he actually listens to what I have to say. I don’t want to get my hopes up but I think he could be the one. Today I officially made him my number one candidate.

November 4, 2008
Well, dear diary, it finally happened. Barack and I went all the way. He’d been suggesting that we become intimate for months and I’d been resisting. After all, there were other suitors and I wasn’t sure if I wanted that serious a commitment. But he finally won me over with his sweet words and bold promises.

January 20, 2009
It’s been a crazy two months and my head’s just been spinning. First I dumped my old boyfriend George and now Barack and I have finally decided to live together. We’ve even made a four-year commitment. No need to rush into things but if Barack is as great a guy as I think he is, then there could be wedding bells in the future. How does eight years in a big white house sound, dear diary?

February 14, 2009
It was awfully sweet of Barack to get me a big present for our first Valentine’s Day but, dear diary, I’m a bit concerned. All through our first months, he kept telling me that he was financially responsible but now it turns out he’s a bit of a spendthrift. To the tune of one trillion dollars. When I confronted him, he just said you have to spend money to make money and not to worry my pretty little head about it.

March 23, 2010
Dear Diary,
When we first started dating, Barack and I talked about having a family. I expressed my concerns about hospital costs and he said not to worry, that he would make sure that we were secure and had full medical coverage. Well, it turns out he wasn’t being completely honest with me. That free healthcare we were going to get now seems to have a hefty price tag and he may not even provide it; we may have to buy it from some insurance company.

November 2, 2010
Dear Diary,
I guess the bloom is off the rose. Maybe in that first blush of romantic love I expected too much. Today I expressed my feelings in no uncertain terms. I told him I was disappointed and decided to take control of the house. I told him I wasn’t necessarily thinking of a divorce, that this was more like a trial separation and that we’d re-visit the situation in a couple of years.

May 3, 2011
Dear Diary,
It’s been a rough few months and I was continuing to have my doubts about us as a couple. For months Barack has seemed distant and withdrawn. He was letting people like John Boehner and Mitch McConnell push him around. He no longer seemed to be that strong man I fell in love with. But yesterday all that changed when I found out that he had given the orders to eliminate Osama bin Laden. I have to admit that my heart skipped a beat and I actually swooned.

May 5, 2012
Dear Diary,
OK, so maybe every romance is like this. After all, you can’t maintain that initial excitement forever. Sure, Barack has his faults and maybe he doesn’t follow through on all his promises. He said he’d get my family jobs and he hasn’t. But he’s really not that bad and can I really do better? There’s that rich, good looking guy Mitt who keeps calling but I don’t feel any magic between us. I think I’ll just wait until November and decide then.


UK Says Battering Ram Unlikely In Assange Case

UK officials insist they are not considering a battering ram against the front door of the Ecuador Embassy in London, where Julian Assange’s asylum has recently been extended to the country of Ecuador itself.

It’s important, UK officials say, to note the importance of this case, and what a dangerous criminal Assange is. He is being investigated for deliberately breaking not one, but two, condoms in his affairs with two Swedish women. Read more UK Says Battering Ram Unlikely In Assange Case



Proving that we can all have car trouble from time to time Gotham City’s central bus route was graced with the presence of the Dark Knight himself, Batman.

It has been reported that at about 9:45pm the Bat signal could be seen in the dark, moody skies of Gotham it was at 10:05pm that eyewitnesses on the Gotham City 45 bus report that Batman boarded the bus.

“He was at the stop by the liqueur store…” recalls Hazel Witbread, who was making her journey home “the Batmobile was across the street with smoke coming out of the engine, he didn’t have the right change but the driver just let him on, well he is Batman”. Read more Batmobus?


Rupert Murdoch Will NOT Visit An Ashram

A spokesperson for Rupert Murdoch was asked yesterday for Mr. Murdock’s response to Paul Ryan as candidate for GOP vice-president, and received the reply, “Right! Absolutely right!” Murdoch apparently credits Ryan for saving a tottering Romney, tweeting “Thank God!” in his enthusiasm to support a “real election.”

However, in-depth sources have indicated there is no truth Mr. Murdoch is now wearing a dress with no underwear in preparation for a forthcoming stay at an ashram in India, where he plans to devote himself to the highest chakras for spiritual union and energy. Read more Rupert Murdoch Will NOT Visit An Ashram


Kristen Stewart Relieved She Didn’t Cheat on ‘Old School’ Vampire

LOS ANGELES–Kristen Stewart, actress and star of the popular Twilight series (a documentary closely based on her actual life), has recently confessed to stepping out on her undead beloved, Robert Pattison.

According to sources very close to sources closer to Stewart’s sources, the one-night stand Kristen had with director Rupert Sanders may have been exciting but it “didn’t really mean anything to (her).” Read more Kristen Stewart Relieved She Didn’t Cheat on ‘Old School’ Vampire


Diet Craze “Famine” Sweeps Hollywood, 3rd World

Madonna has returned from her latest trip to Africa with a new celeb ‘famine’ diet.

Always looking for a way to stay in shape Madonna, 53, has been following a new diet that will dramatically lower body fat, bone density and muscle. Friends of the Grammy award-winning singer said that she was inspired by how easily the children in the Mwingi district, Kenya, followed the diet in order to stay slim.

The diet consists of one small portion of cavassa root and as little as 100ml of water a day. One day a week you are allowed a bowl of ugali (water and maze porriage).

Members of the public who have tried the diet said that they had felt incredibly unwell, tired, weak and dizzy but Stacy from California said that “the diet really works. The weight has just dropped off”.

Other celebrities, such as Jennifer Aniston, have openly shunned this diet opting for the ‘Hospital IV’ drip diet.



The Long and Thick of It in West Hollywood

A stunned Hollywood is trying to recover today from the shocking news that hit headlines yesterday. As the rest of the world wakes up, the celebrity elite are busy consoling themselves and thanking God it is not them having to confront these scandalous rumours.

Reports started to appear on Twitter from anonymous users and spread quickly though the networks and to websites across the globe that Scarlett Johansson’s hair is in fact her own. Read more The Long and Thick of It in West Hollywood


SpongeBob Confirms Gay Rumors

HOLLYWOOD, CA. SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET. Under pressure from media and various Christian organizations, SpongeBob Squarepants, in a rare public appearance yesterday from his home in Bikini Bottom, confirmed the many rumors circulating about his sexual orientation.

SpongeBob for the first time admitted he is gay and involved in a long-time relationship with his life partner, Patrick the Starfish. Our Derisive Duck cartoon correspondent telephoned the Nickelodeon Channel, SpongeBob’s employer, who did not return our calls.

The effect this revelation will have on SpongeBob’s television career and his employment as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab restaurant is unclear.

Some Christian groups, especially James Dobson’s Focus on the Family, have called SpongeBob part of a pro-homosexual media conspiracy designed to expose the nation’s children to the Hollywood homosexual agenda. Derisive Duck attempted to contact the Pro-Homosexual Media Conspiracy, but could not find a listing.

According to Dobson, “these seemingly innocent cartoons contain subtile enticements to lure our children into the gay lifestyle.” SpongeBob Squarepants was created in 1996 by cartoonist Stephen Hillenburg. “I created SpongeBob to be a kind of goofy, kind-hearted, innocent sponge who lives in a pineapple in Bikini Bottom and annoys most of the other characters.

The love relationship that evolved between SpongeBob and Patrick has caught me off-guard as much as everyone else. I knew they watched a lot of television together, especially a show called Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, but I had no idea!”


Burger King Abdicates to Carl’s Jr.

Wikileaks uncovered details concerning a previously unknown sex tape between the Burger King and Ruby Tuesday Thursday, forcing the Burger King to abdicate his burger empire to Carl’s Jr. “It is with great regret that the Burger King agrees to step down in light of recent events,” said a spokesman for the mute King standing behind him. Read more Burger King Abdicates to Carl’s Jr.


Julianna Rose from LazyTown (Stephanie) In Adult Modeling

First of all, you’re a terrible person for clicking this link. Sure, I’m a worse person for posting it, but I’ve done nothing illegal. The youngest girl I find attractive has to be about 27… so there you go.

Stephanie was a cute kid, but maybe here’s more of what you want to see.

I can’t say I agree with you, but here you are, so here are the pictures you really want. Read more Julianna Rose from LazyTown (Stephanie) In Adult Modeling


Founding Fathers Protest Holmes-Cruise Divorce

This news site previously reported that the recent rising from the grave by America’s Founding Fathers was in direct protest of the Supreme Court ruling that declared the Affordable Care Act constitutional.

As stated by Founding Father and second President of the United States John Adams, we could not be more wrong. Read more Founding Fathers Protest Holmes-Cruise Divorce


Ted Nugent Gets a Good Hunting Buddy in Killer Cannibal Luka Magnotta

Ted Nugent, the flaming redneck of rock and gun fame, who was most recently in the news for ‘suggesting’ that Obama and his Cabinet be beheaded, has found himself a new hunting buddy. “That damn (expletive deleted) Luka Magnotta (the Canadian porn star who tortured and killed his gay Chinese lover on camera, ate part of him, then mailed parts of his body to governmental offices)… Read more Ted Nugent Gets a Good Hunting Buddy in Killer Cannibal Luka Magnotta


Octomom weds Chaz Bono

Photographers filled sidewalks outside Graceland Chapel this weekend, spilling out into the street and blocking traffic. The paparazzi had thronged to Vegas for a snapshot of what’s being called the wedding of the century. Chaz Bono and a radiant Nadya Suleman became man and wife as a small group of friends and relatives looked on. Read more Octomom weds Chaz Bono


Five-Year Old Child Prodigy Channeling Frank Zappa

Ezra and Zoe Weinbaum of Hollywood, Florida are finally ready to accept the fact that they may just have a child prodigy on their hands. Their son, Zach, has shown musical talent almost since he was able to coo, and now, he has taken up the strange activity of turning his bicycle upside down and playing it as an instrument. Read more Five-Year Old Child Prodigy Channeling Frank Zappa


Anderson Cooper Set to Propose to Kathy Griffin at Midnight

Well, folks, you can stop wondering whether (1) Anderson Cooper is gay; (2) Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin are dating; (3) Kathy Griffin is really a guy; or (4) Kathy Griffin is really a guy, gay and dating Anderson Cooper who is also gay, because, evidently, after the ball drops in Times Square tonight, Cooper just may be setting himself up for an even bigger ball drop by proposing to Griffin. Read more Anderson Cooper Set to Propose to Kathy Griffin at Midnight


Paranormal Group Explains Evil in Kate Gosselin Home

What began as a routine house cleansing by a local group of paranormal experts called in by Kate Gosselin to rid her home of some negative energy, turned into a blame game between Gosselin and the people trying to help her.

“If you can’t do the job you claim you are capable of, then just say so,” Gosselin reportedly screamed at Joe Heebie, the leader of PAPS (Paranormal and Parapsychic Services) of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. His partner, Carolyn Jeebies, claims the outburst was a result of Heebie telling Gosselin that he was pretty sure the evil she spoke of in her home Read more Paranormal Group Explains Evil in Kate Gosselin Home