Archive | Celebrity Gossip

Honey Boo Boo Plans Comeback For 2046

Honey Boo Boo Plans Comeback For 2046

7-year-old Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson says she plans to burn out soon as a child star but has already planned her ‘comeback’ for the year 2046 when she is 41 years old.

“Sure, I’m a fat child star now but my good fortune won’t hold out forever!” a very mature Boo Boo stated. “By the time I hit my teens I will be burnt out on drugs and sleeping with all kinds of losers”.

Boo Boo says she will probably lose all her money through unscrupulous managers, bad investments and a greedy mother. However, she claims the nostalgia craze will enable her to regain her fortune when she is older.

Her mother June Shannon supports her daughters future comeback. “I admit, I’m terrible at managing money”, Shannon stated. “I mean, I’m just a dumb southern housewife with this freaking talented kid and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!”

“If I’m this obnoxious now can you imagine me in a few years?” Boo Boo asked. “I’m lucky I’m still gonna be working next year!” TLC network has renewed the show for another season.

Honey Boo Boo also pointed out that she’s not as dumb as the TLC network makes her out to be.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment1 Comment

Topless Pictures of Kate Middleton Leave Observers Saying “Meh”

Topless Pictures of Kate Middleton Leave Observers Saying “Meh”

LONDON- A French tabloid is under scrutiny for publishing pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge topless. While Americans and the rest of the world fell in love with Kate when she was getting married, the recent photos have swayed public opinion.

“I mean, she’s pretty and all, but now I know the top of that wedding dress was definitely stuffed. I’m not sure if I can trust a divine sovereign who stuffs her bra,” says a British man walking the streets of London. Continue Reading

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Courtney Cox Wants Romantic Reunion with Bruce Springsteen

Courtney Cox Wants Romantic Reunion with Bruce Springsteen

Since officially filing for divorce from David Arquette in June, Courtney Cox has been pulling out all the stops in an effort to rekindle a once-blossoming romance with rock legend Bruce Springsteen dating back to 1984.

Back then, the fresh faced 20-year old gained fame by appearing in the music video for Dancing in the Dark, the first single off Springsteen’s landmark album, Born in the USA. Continue Reading

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Royal Photo Flap! Prince Charles Banned From Reviewing Troops After Groping Affair

Royal Photo Flap! Prince Charles Banned From Reviewing Troops After Groping Affair

Buckingham Castle (UK) – (SatireWorld.com)

Royal watchers were astounded after a royal edict came down from the Queen that forbids Prince Charles from attending any parade or inspection functions at any military bases across Britain.

This is in response to public furor aver a recent tabloid article published on Wednesday. Continue Reading

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Jessica Simpson Reveals Her $4 Million Weight Loss Plan

Jessica Simpson Reveals Her $4 Million Weight Loss Plan

Former sexpot and singing sensation Jessica Simpson, who ballooned up to 170 pounds during her pregnancy, claims the $4 million offer by Weight Watchers has enabled her to shed her excess pounds.

“They offered me millions to get back in shape!” Simpson exulted. “Who could turn down an offer like that?”

Simpson said she doubted her ability to lose weight until Weight Watchers approached her with the offer. “I thought my modeling days were over and I was content to sit around the house stuffing myself”, Simpson stated. “But for $4 million bucks I’d gladly lose weight!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment5 Comments

The Naked Congressman (Please Won’t You?) Cover-Up

The Naked Congressman (Please Won’t You?) Cover-Up

For more than a year, first-term Congressional Representative Kevin Yoder (Republican from Kansas) managed to conceal the fact that he went skinny-dipping in front of twenty other members of Congress, their staff and families, during a trip to Israel.

The incident was exposed, as was the naked Congressman, by an FBI investigation into the all-expense paid trip, an official one-week tour sponsored by the American Israel Educational Foundation costing approximately $10,000 per person. Continue Reading

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Clint Eastwood Speaks at RNC, Warns Hurricane Isaac to ‘Get off my Lawn.’

Clint Eastwood Speaks at RNC, Warns Hurricane Isaac to ‘Get off my Lawn.’

Tampa- In a phenomenon that has left meteorologists stunned and searching for answers, Hurricane Isaac has unexpectedly retreated back into the Gulf of Mexico and petered out into a solitary storm cloud.

The storm’s demise coincided with Clint Eastwood’s arrival in Tampa, FL for the 2012 Republican National Convention, causing many of the actor’s fans to flock to the internet, attributing the legendary actor’s presence to Hurricane Isaac’s sudden end. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Politics3 Comments

Democratic National Convention to Premiere Joe Biden Reality TV Show

Democratic National Convention to Premiere Joe Biden Reality TV Show

Charlotte, North Carolina – A week before the Democratic National Convention is scheduled to start, leaked sources indicated that the convention will feature a premiere of Joe Biden’s new reality TV show, Joe the Vice President.

It aims to be the “most epic” reality show, says Biden.

The show’s format will be Joe Biden traveling the country, performing random jobs and duties normally done by ordinary citizens. After the leak, Biden has been giving multiple interviews at press junkets and conferences. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television3 Comments

“Gabby Douglas Nude” Photos Fail to Materialize

“Gabby Douglas Nude” Photos Fail to Materialize

Ever since her gold medal-winning performance at the Olympic Games, millions of people throughout the world have been searching Google and other search engines for nude pictures of 16-year-old Gabby Douglas to no avail.

“There’s a lot of perverts out there,” said Google CEO Larry Page. “To the best of my knowledge, there are no legitimate photos of Gabby nude or even in her underwear.” Continue Reading

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72% of Justin Bieber Fans Fail Turing Test

72% of Justin Bieber Fans Fail Turing Test

Alan Turing developed a level of accomplishment called the “Turing Test”, which was; can a computer trick a human into believing it is human.

It turns out, in tests, 72% of Justin Bieber fans failed this test, leading researchers to assume that they were less-than human.

Lead Researcher Gupta-Gupta Khamari from University of California, Berkeley, explained the findings like this. Continue Reading

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Justin Bieber Seeks Counseling after Suffering from ‘Normal Thoughts’

Justin Bieber Seeks Counseling after Suffering from ‘Normal Thoughts’

LONDON, ONTARIO–In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Scooter Braun, manager of Canadian teen-pop idol Justin Bieber, revealed that the young star is seeking professional help for what he describes as “recurring, and almost debilitating, normal thoughts”.

“Justin has had a serious relapse, but he is getting the help he needs,” said Braun.

“Our team of celebrity psychiatrists have assured me that Justin will not suffer any long-term effects from these thoughts and that he will be back to spreading Bieber Fever in no time.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment3 Comments

DSK Defense Laid Bare; The Wrath of Strauss-Kahn

DSK Defense Laid Bare; The Wrath of Strauss-Kahn

According to lawyers for embattled Dominique Strauss-Kahn, it is now clear that “Nafi” Diallo was the accoster, not DSK himself, and that she was using the event to launch a “systematic campaign to deluge the media.” This view of events is disputed vigorously by Naffisato Diallo herself.

When “Nafi” Diallo entered the suite as a cleaning maid at the Sofitel hotel, DSK suddenly appeared from the bedroom naked. Lawyers said he was innocently wandering out of the bedroom when the maid entered to clean the apartment. He was then immediately accosted by her, “seizing the opportunity,” as one lawyer indicated, insisting on anonymity.

Another anonymous lawyer stated that the sight of the naked DSK apparently first drove the woman to place DSK’s hands on her own breasts, then next to chase him into the bedroom.

At that point, lawyers continued, she told him he must cooperate with her or she would need to hurt him. As the lawyers indicated, nodding their heads repeatedly, DSK is a small, elderly man who was completely at her mercy. Reports that he is ape-like and brutal are completely misinformed, they said.

She placed his hands on her crotch in such a manner that she suffered bruises and red marks verified at a hospital hours later, indicating the vehemence of her intentions. She then ordered DSK’s penile tool into her mouth—“penile tool” is evidently a new legal term—following which she had the effrontery to spit several times, as though displeased with his performance.

Lawyers also insisted that reports of DSK’s previous sexual activity have been exaggerated and usually the reverse of uncontrollable lust on the parts of the women involved.

Tristane Banon, for example, another woman involved in the scandal and daughter of a previous partner with DSK who enjoyed “brutal sex,” was most likely in the grip of fascination with DSK some years ago. Again nodding repeatedly, lawyers ventured that Banon undid her own bra while interviewing him, and then kicked him in frustration at his failure to cooperate with her desires.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn is one of the most powerful men in Europe, previously campaigning against ex-president Nikolas Sarkozy. Lawyers maintained that credibility belongs on his side, not on the side of a housemaid struggling to survive economically.

Lawyers also vigorously denied he had told his wife Anne Sinclair he “had had sex with three women . . . ‘as a last glass before hitting the road for the [French] presidential campaign’,” as reported by Newsweek (July 25, 2011) reporting on an earlier July story from the French publication Le Pointe.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment3 Comments

Leaked Diary from Obama’s Secret Girlfriend

Leaked Diary from Obama’s Secret Girlfriend

“Obama was sexually warm, but emotionally cool, early girlfriend says”
– headline from The Globe & Mail – May 3, 2012

Entries from the diary of Genevieve Cook reveal the details of Barack Obama’s first serious romantic relationship back in the early 1980s. And now we’re also learning about Mr. Obama’s latest romantic entanglement from the diary entries of someone called the American People:

August 28, 2008
Dear Diary,
I think I’m in love. His name is Barack and he appears to be everything I want in a man. He says all the right things and – be still my heart – he actually listens to what I have to say. I don’t want to get my hopes up but I think he could be the one. Today I officially made him my number one candidate.

November 4, 2008
Well, dear diary, it finally happened. Barack and I went all the way. He’d been suggesting that we become intimate for months and I’d been resisting. After all, there were other suitors and I wasn’t sure if I wanted that serious a commitment. But he finally won me over with his sweet words and bold promises.

January 20, 2009
It’s been a crazy two months and my head’s just been spinning. First I dumped my old boyfriend George and now Barack and I have finally decided to live together. We’ve even made a four-year commitment. No need to rush into things but if Barack is as great a guy as I think he is, then there could be wedding bells in the future. How does eight years in a big white house sound, dear diary?

February 14, 2009
It was awfully sweet of Barack to get me a big present for our first Valentine’s Day but, dear diary, I’m a bit concerned. All through our first months, he kept telling me that he was financially responsible but now it turns out he’s a bit of a spendthrift. To the tune of one trillion dollars. When I confronted him, he just said you have to spend money to make money and not to worry my pretty little head about it.

March 23, 2010
Dear Diary,
When we first started dating, Barack and I talked about having a family. I expressed my concerns about hospital costs and he said not to worry, that he would make sure that we were secure and had full medical coverage. Well, it turns out he wasn’t being completely honest with me. That free healthcare we were going to get now seems to have a hefty price tag and he may not even provide it; we may have to buy it from some insurance company.

November 2, 2010
Dear Diary,
I guess the bloom is off the rose. Maybe in that first blush of romantic love I expected too much. Today I expressed my feelings in no uncertain terms. I told him I was disappointed and decided to take control of the house. I told him I wasn’t necessarily thinking of a divorce, that this was more like a trial separation and that we’d re-visit the situation in a couple of years.

May 3, 2011
Dear Diary,
It’s been a rough few months and I was continuing to have my doubts about us as a couple. For months Barack has seemed distant and withdrawn. He was letting people like John Boehner and Mitch McConnell push him around. He no longer seemed to be that strong man I fell in love with. But yesterday all that changed when I found out that he had given the orders to eliminate Osama bin Laden. I have to admit that my heart skipped a beat and I actually swooned.

May 5, 2012
Dear Diary,
OK, so maybe every romance is like this. After all, you can’t maintain that initial excitement forever. Sure, Barack has his faults and maybe he doesn’t follow through on all his promises. He said he’d get my family jobs and he hasn’t. But he’s really not that bad and can I really do better? There’s that rich, good looking guy Mitt who keeps calling but I don’t feel any magic between us. I think I’ll just wait until November and decide then.

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UK Says Battering Ram Unlikely In Assange Case

UK Says Battering Ram Unlikely In Assange Case

UK officials insist they are not considering a battering ram against the front door of the Ecuador Embassy in London, where Julian Assange’s asylum has recently been extended to the country of Ecuador itself.

It’s important, UK officials say, to note the importance of this case, and what a dangerous criminal Assange is. He is being investigated for deliberately breaking not one, but two, condoms in his affairs with two Swedish women. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, World News5 Comments

Batmobus?

Batmobus?

Proving that we can all have car trouble from time to time Gotham City’s central bus route was graced with the presence of the Dark Knight himself, Batman.

It has been reported that at about 9:45pm the Bat signal could be seen in the dark, moody skies of Gotham it was at 10:05pm that eyewitnesses on the Gotham City 45 bus report that Batman boarded the bus.

“He was at the stop by the liqueur store…” recalls Hazel Witbread, who was making her journey home “the Batmobile was across the street with smoke coming out of the engine, he didn’t have the right change but the driver just let him on, well he is Batman”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime6 Comments

Rupert Murdoch Will NOT Visit An Ashram

Rupert Murdoch Will NOT Visit An Ashram

A spokesperson for Rupert Murdoch was asked yesterday for Mr. Murdock’s response to Paul Ryan as candidate for GOP vice-president, and received the reply, “Right! Absolutely right!” Murdoch apparently credits Ryan for saving a tottering Romney, tweeting “Thank God!” in his enthusiasm to support a “real election.”

However, in-depth sources have indicated there is no truth Mr. Murdoch is now wearing a dress with no underwear in preparation for a forthcoming stay at an ashram in India, where he plans to devote himself to the highest chakras for spiritual union and energy. Continue Reading

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