David Attenborough in Furious Rant at British Wildlife Awards

Sir David Attenborough, veteran English broadcaster and naturalist has caused a stir at The British Wildlife T.V. Awards in London.

Uncharacteristically, the ‘Life On Earth’ presenter self-indulged in an indignant monologue…

As he accepted the coveted prize for ‘Best Goldfish Footage Voice-Over Award.’

Award host Rick Earle told the BBC: Read more David Attenborough in Furious Rant at British Wildlife Awards

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Kim Jong-Un Uses Passing Train to Face-Shave

North Korea leader Kim Jong-Un has released a propaganda film of himself using a passing high speed train to shave his face. In a government campaign that hopes to encourage Korean citizens to reduce their razor purchases, Jong-Un has advised all his country’s face shavers to donate their razor expenditure to the nuclear programme instead Read more Kim Jong-Un Uses Passing Train to Face-Shave

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Jeremy Clarkson In Street Brawl Over Car Built From Frozen Celebrity Piss

Broadcaster and motoring specialist Jeremy Clarkson has been involved in a street brawl, concerning a motor vehicle made from frozen celebrity piss.

Clarkson stars in a new scheduled motoring programme to be aired on Channel Four called ‘What Can We Make A Car Out Of?’ He had the car specially built for the new series. Read more Jeremy Clarkson In Street Brawl Over Car Built From Frozen Celebrity Piss

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Live at the Apollo Wins ‘Worst UK Television Programme Award.’

T.V. stand up show ‘Live At The Apollo’ has picked up ‘The Worst UK TV Programme Award’ for 2017.

The show’s producer Rick Earle thanked the TV audience in his acceptance speech:

Ladies and gentleman, thank you so much for voting for us – I am truly honoured and humbled to receive such a coveted accolade.

My sincere condolences to runners up ‘Hollyoaks’ – your programme is unadulterated shit. Your actors and actresses are such a fine example of how you shouldn’t act. They make Dev from Coronation Street look like Laurence Olivier.

Well done for being nominated – ‘Murder She Wrote.’ Your programme is utter bollocks. The show’s premise that a mystery writer is a part-time homicide detective is ridiculous. So if my house is burgled do I call Enid Blyton?

I’d like to thank ‘Bargain Hunt’ for inspiring me to create a crap programme. Your format of inviting grown adults to wear blue and red t-shirts as representatives of their respective teams – as if they were school children, then force them to sell crumby items like a pair of mickey mouse slippers for twenty pound at an auction is humiliating and pathetic.

Most importantly I’d like to thank all our stand up comedians – your invaluable contribution is central to our non-success. A special mention for my closest friends on the show:

Sara Millican: as funny as a nuclear attack on a residential home with broken fire extinguishers.

Phil Jupitus: as funny as a killer bee attack in a hot air balloon.

And Marcus Brigstocke: as funny as a poisoned buffet with cutlery made from false teeth.

Thank you.

Image attribution:

By Spudgun67 (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons

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