Kim Jong-Un Uses Passing Train to Face-Shave

North Korea leader Kim Jong-Un has released a propaganda film of himself using a passing high speed train to shave his face. In a government campaign that hopes to encourage Korean citizens to reduce their razor purchases, Jong-Un has advised all his country’s face shavers to donate their razor expenditure to the nuclear programme instead Read more Kim Jong-Un Uses Passing Train to Face-Shave

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Jeremy Clarkson In Street Brawl Over Car Built From Frozen Celebrity Piss

Broadcaster and motoring specialist Jeremy Clarkson has been involved in a street brawl, concerning a motor vehicle made from frozen celebrity piss.

Clarkson stars in a new scheduled motoring programme to be aired on Channel Four called ‘What Can We Make A Car Out Of?’ He had the car specially built for the new series. Read more Jeremy Clarkson In Street Brawl Over Car Built From Frozen Celebrity Piss

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Live at the Apollo Wins ‘Worst UK Television Programme Award.’

T.V. stand up show ‘Live At The Apollo’ has picked up ‘The Worst UK TV Programme Award’ for 2017.

The show’s producer Rick Earle thanked the TV audience in his acceptance speech:

Ladies and gentleman, thank you so much for voting for us – I am truly honoured and humbled to receive such a coveted accolade.

My sincere condolences to runners up ‘Hollyoaks’ – your programme is unadulterated shit. Your actors and actresses are such a fine example of how you shouldn’t act. They make Dev from Coronation Street look like Laurence Olivier.

Well done for being nominated – ‘Murder She Wrote.’ Your programme is utter bollocks. The show’s premise that a mystery writer is a part-time homicide detective is ridiculous. So if my house is burgled do I call Enid Blyton?

I’d like to thank ‘Bargain Hunt’ for inspiring me to create a crap programme. Your format of inviting grown adults to wear blue and red t-shirts as representatives of their respective teams – as if they were school children, then force them to sell crumby items like a pair of mickey mouse slippers for twenty pound at an auction is humiliating and pathetic.

Most importantly I’d like to thank all our stand up comedians – your invaluable contribution is central to our non-success. A special mention for my closest friends on the show:

Sara Millican: as funny as a nuclear attack on a residential home with broken fire extinguishers.

Phil Jupitus: as funny as a killer bee attack in a hot air balloon.

And Marcus Brigstocke: as funny as a poisoned buffet with cutlery made from false teeth.

Thank you.

Image attribution:

By Spudgun67 (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons

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Chelsea Man Evicted from Theatre for Testicle Altercation

Theatre goer Ivor Ball has been evicted from The Old Vic Theatre in London, after his testicles started fighting during the play ‘A Shakespeare Tragedy.’

Mr. Ball 42, commented:

Regrettably, a disturbance was prompted, as a consequence of a rare medical condition I am blighted with called testicleitis. This occurs when two testicles argue their differences to the point of physical conflict.

It’s similar to rival twins in their endeavour to establish a singular identity and hierarchy.

A bicycle seat partition intervention is the only remedy to ensure the balls co-exist harmoniously, but I wasn’t allowed to take my cycle into the theatre.

THE TESTICLE INCIDENT

“To be or not to be: that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” – ‘Oi! shove over fatty bollock – there’s room in the sack for two!’ (testicle one).

“Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them” – ‘shut your face shrivelled walnut bollock! Ouch! I’m entitled to half an inch of gap too!’ (testicle two).

“To die: to sleep no more and by a sleep to say we end the heartache” – ‘Push off lumpy! – just because you hang higher in the ball sack, it doesn’t give you special status!’ (testicle one).

“And the thousand natural shocks, that flesh to heir to, this consummation – devoutly to be wished” – ‘Piss off baldy! I’ve got more hair! Ouch! Aaaagh!’ (testicle two).

“To sleep: perchance to dream: ay there’s the rub; for in that sleep of death” – ‘So what hairy? I produce more sperm! Ouch! Get off!’ (testicle one).

Mr. Ball has been issued with a lifetime ban from The Old Vic. His testicles were unavailable for comment.

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