David Attenborough in Furious Rant at British Wildlife Awards

Sir David Attenborough, veteran English broadcaster and naturalist has caused a stir at The British Wildlife T.V. Awards in London.

Uncharacteristically, the ‘Life On Earth’ presenter self-indulged in an indignant monologue…

As he accepted the coveted prize for ‘Best Goldfish Footage Voice-Over Award.’

Award host Rick Earle told the BBC:

I think Sir David felt insulted by the award because of its lack of prestige. David is a national treasure, and his contribution to documentary film-making for television is immeasurable.

He wasn’t even nominated for any of the more esteemed wildlife awards, and I think he felt the goldfish award was demeaning. He has my sympathies.

The acceptance speech rant:

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I’m truly honoured. Best goldfish footage voice-over award, eh? I’m truly humbled.

I wonder if goldfish drink. They must do.

I wonder if they drink water. They must do.

Do they drink the same water they swim in? They must do.

They must piss in the same water they swim in then. So they must drink their own piss.

They must do. Well they have to piss somewhere!

I couldn’t drink my own piss. I don’t know if a goldfish could drink my piss, but I know I couldn’t.

Let me tell you something, if I lived in a goldfish tank I’d drink the water before I pissed in it, so I wouldn’t have to drink my own piss! As long as there wasn’t already piss in the tank from the last piss I had in there!

No, if I lived in a goldfish tank, I’d keep all the piss in my bladder. It would be better than pissing all the piss into the tank and having to drink it!

Mind you, if I kept drinking the tank water and didn’t have a piss, there’d be no water and piss left to swim about in! It would all be in my bladder. And nothing can swim in a bladder – only piss!

In an empty goldfish tank, I’d have to piss a lot of piss into it so I could swim about. So tell me, does a goldfish piss in a goldfish tank?

The water they swim in never turns yellow, does it? The water would turn yellow If I pissed into it!

Maybe goldfish piss is the same colour as the water, so you don’t notice it going in. You’d notice my piss – in or out of the tank!

You might not notice my piss in a goldfish tank if it was already full of my piss, though.

Anyway if the goldfish piss is the same colour as the water, how would you know if the goldfish tank was full of piss or water?

Because maybe the goldfish doesn’t piss. But if it drinks water it must do.

Anyway, piss off!

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