Toilet Roll to be Next James Bond

It’s been officially announced this week! The new James Bond is to be played by a toilet roll, in the new James Bond movie:

“Firing Bullets from out of a gun.”

The film’s producer Mark Hudson commented:

It’s not a traditional appointment for the role; but toilet roll is very capable of portraying a debonair, womanising, secret service agent. When toilet roll is fortified with quality cardboard you finally have a 007 in the making. This new 007 will take its rightful place among the pantheon of British screen icons: Connery, Moore, Brosnan, Lazenby, Craig, and soon to be bog roll – the first bog roll bond.

The Bond Girls casted for the new movie are relishing the prospect of starring alongside the bog roll sex symbol. As the Greek god of lust Aphrodite once said,

There is nothing more arousing than feeling the velvety contours of tissue paper,

Brushing against your tights.

The new Bond car will be fitted with a special toilet roll holder gadget, so toilet roll can rest easily between scenes.

Further reading:

Glossy News Scoop: First Ever Interview w/ the One and only James Bond

Bad News Guvna: Original ‘James Bond’ was American

Author: Stephen Philip Druce

Stephen Philip Druce is a spoof/satire article writer from Shrewsbury in the UK. He has previous publications with The Lemon Press, News Mutiny, The Daily Squib, The Inconsequential, Web-E-Books (USA), The Druids Loom and Bad Scents Of Humour. For updates on Stephen’s humour articles, follow him on Twitter - @DruceStephen.