Fullerton, Orange County, CA – Fullerton resident and lifelong pacifist Dylan Donovan today announced that he has finally caved in to environmental pressures by joining the NRA and buying an Uzi sub-machine gun. Speaking from his home in downtown Fullerton, Donovan told reporters:
“I’ve always been against violence in any shape or form. I’ve also believed in the rights of any individual – regardless of race, sexual orientation or gender – to live a life unimpeded by violence of any description. It breaks my heart to say it, but I just don’t feel safe anymore.”
Donovan’s friends have shunned him in the days following his announcement, saying that for a pacifist to carry a concealed weapon–namely an Uzi fully automatic sub-machine gun–is a betrayal of the principles of pacifism.
“This whole deal is just so wrong man,” said former friend Winston Lennon. “The dude is a cop out.”
Donovan responded by saying that he used to feel safe in Fullerton, and that although criminality was a concern, it was never all that high on the agenda. Now he says that you can’t trust anyone–not even the cops.
“Let me run a hypothetical situation by you,” he told assembled reporters.
“I’m walking down the street, yeah? Just minding my own business. And some cop or gang banger confronts me. Decides they don’t like the look of me. They start issuing commands even though I haven’t done anything. Telling me to touch my toes or whatever. Then they say unequivocally that they’re gonna fuck me up. If I was unarmed and defenceless, I’d probably try to flee the scene. But then they’d probably catch up with me, and I wouldn’t be in a viable position to protect myself.”
One reporter challenged Donovan’s response by stating that no way would a gang banger–or even a cop–behave in such a manner.
“But what if they did?” Donovan argued.
“What if it was a cop? What if that cop whupped my ass with a baton and then him and his partner chased me down and proceeded to beat the living shit out of me. What if more of their buddies showed up and started knee-dropping me as I lay on the ground? And then more came and tasered me and smashed my face all to hell and back?”
But that wouldn’t happen. That’s just insane.
“Is it really?” Donovan said.
“What if I find myself in a situation whereby six lardy assed cops, or gang bangers, are not only smashing the hell out of my face, but also crushing me to death? Even after I’ve long ago stopped moving, lost consciousness, and poured out at least a quart of blood? And they still won’t stop? How am I supposed to deal with that?”
“You’re living on Fantasy Island buddy,” a local reporter sneered.
“That kind of thing doesn’t happen to law abiding citizens in Fullerton. We don’t even have gang bangers here so you’re just fantasising.”
“That’s not what I heard,” Donovan responded.
“I also heard that people are being slaughtered by psychopaths in uniforms. Not only that, they get away with it. Maybe I had it wrong all along with the pacifism thing. At least with my Uzi I’d stand a cat in hell’s chance.”
RIP Kelly Thomas.