Author: Sheogorath
Slamming of ConDems ‘Highly Accurate’
Ministers last night applauded Britain’s leading Roman Catholic for being well-informed and on point. They praised Archbishop of Westminster Vincent Nichols after he denounced government poverty creation schemes. Downing Street said David Cameron believes there is a moral case only…
TSA Agent Impregnates Passenger
In news which may come as a huge shock to frequent flyers in the United States, Leanne Ackerman, 28, was somehow accidentally impregnated by a TSA agent of the same gender during an enhanced security pat-down, popularly known as the…
An Open Letter to Atos Healthcare
Dear Atos, My family and I would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the miracle you caused in my cousin, Laura Sutton. After a most thorough assessment, during which you asked such questions as to…
Google: “People Don’t Need Bathroom Doors”
In a statement updated from 2009 and 2010, Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google Inc., has reiterated his belief that people need extremely little privacy, saying: “If you’re doing something that you don’t want anyone to see, maybe you shouldn’t be…
Mysterious Explosions Rock Goodsprings
Two days ago, the people of the sleepy town of Goodsprings, who had successfully fought off a group of Powder Gangers only some days before, experienced a series of gas explosions which levelled most of the inhabited buildings. The mysterious…
Portland: Fluoride is the Least of Your Worries
In Portland, Oregon today, many citizens are worried about fluoride and its potential effects such that they have voted against its inclusion in their water supply four times in the last six decades. However, what Portlanders seem to be unaware…
Taylor Swift Diagnosed with Venereal Diseases
Today, surprising information came to light which reveals that Taylor Swift was recently treated for gonorrhea and chlamydia of her genitalia and throat by a VDC (venereal disease clinic). Further details show that the chart-topping songstress has also received treatment…
Cigarette Cards Back in Fashion in Australia
When the Australian High Court forced tobacco manufacturers to sell cigarettes in packaging without their distinctive colours and logos from December last year, the World Health Organisation (WHO) applauded this decision, saying that it was the right thing to do…
“Scientists”: This Year Officially Does Not Exist
In an announcement which may not come as a shock to readers from the United States, Barack Obama has declared that there will be no such year as 2013, which will now instead be referred to as 2014a. “The issue…
Woman Narrowly Avoids Animal Cruelty Conviction, Helps Change Law
In a surprise verdict in Stoughton District Court yesterday, Alessa Maslansky, 47, of Canton, Massachusetts, was found not guilty of charges relating to fitting her neighbour’s dog with a shock collar in an effort to prevent what she called ‘its…