Author: P. Beckert
Real Reason Tiger Woods is Ending Golf Season Early
Tiger Woods just announced that he is pulling out of the golf season early, citing injuries received in his recent fender bender. He won’t be attending his own Chevron World Challenge Tournament in California. Sources close to Tiger state that…
Lloyd’s of London Insures Adam Lambert’s Crotch for $1 Million
Los Angeles, CA – Lloyd’s of London (Lloyd’s), perhaps best known for its unusual insurance policies on various body parts of the rich and famous, including Tina Turner’s legs, Celine Dion’s vocal chords, and burlesque stripper, Tempest Storm’s breasts, has…
Glenn Beck’s Daughter Sells Daddy’s Drool on E-Bay
Learning that his middle daughter was jonesing to go to Columbia University, Glenn Beck refused to pay for her tuition, stating “if you want to attend some hippie, liberal, communist center of lower learning in the middle of freaking Harlem,…
Scientific Weekly: Orwell’s Oceania Discovered off Coast of Washington, D.C.
Ocean Explorers have discovered what appear to be the ruins of a section of the Orwellian continent of Oceania off the Coast of Washington, D.C. Michele Bachmann is attempting to tie the discovery into her theory that Obama’s administration is…
Palin’s Book “Going Rogue” Defective, Recalled
HarperCollins has recalled all copies of Sarah Palin’s Book, “Going Rogue” and has agreed to refund the purchase price to anyone who wants it. According to a late-breaking press release, the title of the book is missing an extra word…
Mall Santas to Goldman Sachs: Hand Over the Vaccine
New York, NY – In a jolly but firm tone, the Association of Mall Santas (AMS) has issued a formal demand to Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs to hand over all their doses of the swine flu vaccine to the…
Conservative Doll Series Out in Time for Christmas
Whiskey Creek, VA – Small independently-owned doll manufacturer, Patriate Pride, has announced a new line of dolls fashioned after the ideals of two of today’s most controversial conservative figures, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. In fact, the “Michele” doll and…
America Goes to Pot: 1st Marijuana Cafe Opens
Portland, OR – The first public café offering medical marijuana in the United States opened in Portland, Oregon last Friday. Now instead of grits, you can get a side of real “hash” browns with those eggs. “What a great concept,”…
Christmas Light De-tangling Contest Erupts in Violence
Holy Smokes, VA – The first annual Christmas lights de-tangling contest held at the local BPOE lodge was interrupted late in the evening when one of the contestants, Harvey Smith, pulled a gun on fellow contestant, John Houdini, accusing him…
Viagra Concession Ends Transit Strike
Philadelphia, PA – Transit workers in Philadelphia, threatening to continue their strike for a raise in more than their salaries, have won a battle with the Southern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority to have most of their health care costs covered, including…