Lloyd’s of London Insures Adam Lambert’s Crotch for $1 Million

Los Angeles, CA – Lloyd’s of London (Lloyd’s), perhaps best known for its unusual insurance policies on various body parts of the rich and famous, including Tina Turner’s legs, Celine Dion’s vocal chords, and burlesque stripper, Tempest Storm’s breasts, has just announced that it has contracted with singer Adam Lambert to insure Lambert’s crotch for $1 Million Dollars.

A spokesperson for Lloyd’s would not discuss the specifics of the policy other than to state that this policy will help to ensure the safety of Lambert’s privates while he is forced to simulate sex acts on stage.

Asked why he decided to take out this insurance policy, Lambert stated that he and his handlers realized the very real risk of Lambert overshooting his thrust into another dancer’s face, and thereby causing permanent bruising to his member. In addition, they have been advised by Lambert’s doctors that excessive thrusting can eventually lead to penile arthritis, a very painful permanent condition.

Trying not to get too personal, Lambert was asked what precautions, if any, he is taking to assure that his crotch will have a long and successful career in show business. A smiling Lambert responded, “You bet I’m protecting this asset,” he said while grabbing his crotch. “This fella is getting me way more recognition than my voice ever did. I will be having special cups designed to match my outfits. I can’t give out too much information, but suffice it to say, there will be spikes and studs galore.”

A spokesperson from Lloyd’s added, those special cups, together with this insurance policy, will give Adam the peace of mind he needs to just go out on stage and give it his all, no more holding back like at the American Music Awards Show.”

When asked why he wasn’t insuring his lips also, as they will be used as well in the simulated sex acts, Lambert replied, “Actually, we did insure my lips and my tongue, but for a lot less money. I think each one is only insured for the minimum star coverage of $100,000 each. I’ll be using the crotch a lot more than the mouth, so it was decided that at this point in time, there was no reason to over-insure those parts.” He added, laughing, “don’t want to end up insurance poor, you know.”

Author: P. Beckert

P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at ISaidLaughDammit.blogspot.com.

27 thoughts on “Lloyd’s of London Insures Adam Lambert’s Crotch for $1 Million

  1. One of the funniest stories I read in a while! The only reason that I knew it was not holding any truth is the fact that Adam Lambert’s crotch would be heaviliy underinsured for only 1 million dollars. Long live the Glambulge!

  2. Hey Bobz, the pages are already Twitter friendly. The bottom of every story has a SHARE/SAVE button to automatically tweet, digg, reddit or otherwise spread the love around. 🙂

  3. You had me laughing out loud. Hilarious. Pity so many people commenting don’t seem to have a sense of humor. The dialogue and quotes were very creative. Adam certainy has a lot there to insure. I think that would be an extra large cup if you please. Would not want him to be too cramped while he is grinding away in the future.
    Keep us laughing. It is an important part of life.

  4. Patti,
    I am jealous. I think we need to get twit more involved here. Sure brings in the hordes to read.

    Also noted that it brings up the automatic Word Press “banned reader” clean-out function that caused Shaffer to bite the dust.

    Nice function Word Press.


  5. I think this is hilarious, and very nice of you. I read this yesterday, and I came back today to laugh some more. Makes you wonder, maybe he should insure that thing. Don’t worry, as Adam often says, if you lose some fans, they weren’t cool fans anyway, and who the hell need boring people. Great job, and what an imagination!
    Keep up the good work!

  6. I’d just like to say to those who appreciated the satire, thanks. And to those who didn’t get it or somehow felt like they were duped, that’s what satire is sometimes about. I am very happy that Adam Lambert, himself, took time to comment and that he has such a great sense of humor. He has to I guess to put up with some of the garbage he’s been put through this past week. So to him, especially, I say thanks for “getting it.”

  7. Oh no, we’ve lost the loyal readership of Shaffer! This is the worst thing to happen to Glossy News in the 7 years we’ve been publishing! And to think, we could have had someone here that really gets us and appreciates what we do.

    I’m glad Adam at least appreciated the joke. We’re all big fans over here. I personally think we was robbed in the finale, but record sales are what makes the real winner anyhow.

  8. Hilarious! Just happy to see that Adam found it hilarious too – the man certainly has a sense of humour. We love you Adam! Sing on!

  9. Does your website always post false article with bogus quotes and lies? Hmm. Will no longer be reading this trash.

  10. Thank-you, just the belly laugh that I needed after all the crap this last week..love your sense of humour. “Penile arthritis, permanent bruising”, on “this fella” ouch! It’s hard to believe some people don’t get satire. P. Beckert, please keep writing. We know Adam saw this–can only imagine how he must have howled with laughter.

  11. Yeah… not. Adam himself thinks this rumor is hilarious – see his Twitter feed – but not true. (If this is satire, it’s piss-poor.)

  12. Brilliant satire! I’m a 78-year old Lambert fan. (Do I defy the demographics? I don’t think so, I remember Elvis’s tribulations at the outset of his career). I feared Adam had shot himself in the foot (the foot, you say?) with his AMA performance and this article has made me feel a lot better about the whole affair.

    P.S. Wonder what the deductible is?

  13. Did you make this up yourself? This is not funny and even if it’s satire there are too many people in the world who don’t ‘get’ satire at all.

  14. Great article. Very funny.

    As a big fan of Adam Lambert, I’ve had to maintain a sense of humor during all the ridiculousness of the past week.

  15. oh for the love of the ridiculous! just couldn’t help writing it? sad part is all of you that think it’s true. ha!

  16. Adam on twitter: “Good morning! Excited to finally meet Ellen! For the record: the insurance policy rumor is hilarious! (untrue)”

    You guys are pathetic, but at least Adam can have a kick at it (a laugh).

  17. Hardy Har Har. Adam already tweeted that this was obviously a joke. Ha Ha Ha. Anyway, we all know that it’s worth WAY MORE than $1 million!

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