New York, NY – In a jolly but firm tone, the Association of Mall Santas (AMS) has issued a formal demand to Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs to hand over all their doses of the swine flu vaccine to the thousands of Mall Santas across the country who are going into this holiday season woefully unprepared to face one of the deadliest flu viruses to hit the world in recent memory. “If Virginia were alive today,” said one jolly old elf, “she’d be at high risk of catching a deadly disease from her most beloved adult figure. Yes, Virginia, there is a swine flu-carrying Santa Claus after all.”
The latest in a number of organizations that have stepped up recently to implore Goldman Sachs to do the right thing by giving up their doses of the vaccine to more deserving at-risk individuals, the Santas claim that their need is greatest due to the fact that in just over a week, they are going to be forced to come into direct contact with what one Santa referred to as “little Petrie dishes that sit on our laps.” There is a good possibility that kids could get more than just toys for Christmas, i.e. a case of the deadly swine flu. And it’s not looking too good for those Santas either.
For this reason, the Santas are pulling out all the stops to convince the hale and hearty executives at Goldman to give back the vaccine, including threatening to put each and every one of them on their “naughty” list. Said one mall Santa, “You don’t even wanna go there, especially with the country already up in arms about those bonuses.”
The CDC, while not specifically siding with the Santas, does agree that not only are the children at risk of contracting swine flu by chancing an impromptu visit to their local Mall Santa, but the Santas themselves are in a higher risk category due to the fact that most are considered obese, a risk factor that figures heavily (no pun intended) in contracting the virus. “All those years of milk and cookies and candy canes have turned Old St. Nick into a ticking time bomb,” commented the Center’s official spokesperson.
But it is highly unlikely that Goldman will heed the demands to “do the right thing,” so the AMS has issued the following statement for all Mall Santas in order to cut down on the risk of contracting the deadly swine flu virus or spreading it to their tiny visitors:
“Sterilize, sterilize, sterilize. Most Santas are no stranger to alcohol, but this year especially, use as much alcohol as you can to kill those pesky germs. There is no better sterilizer on the planet. And for the outside of the body, use germicidal soap and hand sanitizer often.”