Learning that his middle daughter was jonesing to go to Columbia University, Glenn Beck refused to pay for her tuition, stating “if you want to attend some hippie, liberal, communist center of lower learning in the middle of freaking Harlem, you won’t be doing it on my dime, sweetheart.”
So, what does any rich, spoiled dysfunctional daughter of one of the largest whackjobs on T.V. today do? You guessed it, she waited until daddy was passed out on the living room couch–after swigging his nightly cocktail of Nyquil Nighttime Cold and Flu So He Can Sleep Better After Peddling His Personal Brand of Hate on National T.V. Remedy on the rocks—grabbed some sterile gauze, and collected as much of his drool as she could to sell on E-bay, figuring it would at least garner a down payment on her first year’s tuition.
What happened next was a total shock. “Not only did I make enough off Daddy’s drool to pay for my first and second year of tuition at Columbia, but I also had a little left over to buy a cool tie-dyed t-shirt with Che Guevara’s face on it. Daddy is gonna have a freakin’ cow!” she said with a smirk.
Just what kind of person would have that kind of money to spend on something as gross, not to mention potentially dangerous, as Glenn Beck’s drool? Evidently, it was scooped up by a little-known group calling themselves the “Take Back America’s Genes Society” or TBAGS, who have been secretly paying for samples of bodily fluids and other potential sources of DNA from some of the most prominent conservatives in the country.
One spokeswoman, who did not want to be identified, was absolutely glowing over their newest addition to the TBAGS DNA bank. “Glenn Beck, this is incredible. We’ve been trying for years to get a DNA sample on this guy. You’d think with his long list of brushes with the law back in the days of his drinking and drug use, that someone would have kept a sample of his urine or hair. Even with his most recent hospitalization, we weren’t able to convince one hospital employee to hand over a hair or fingernail sample.” Then his daughter just offers it up on E-Bay. What a coup!”
In addition to Beck’s drool, TBAGS records indicate that their other samples include a toenail from Karl Rove, tissue samples from Dick Cheney after undergoing removal of flags under both arms, and nose hair from Rush Limbaugh. When asked if they plan on trying to obtain any DNA samples from Sarah Palin, the answer was a resounding “No!” Said Igor Kransky, head of the sample procurement department, “we here at TBAGS believe that Sarah Palin’s DNA is inherently lacking in the proper elements to make a true conservative clone and therefore we cannot run the risk of contaminating other truer samples.” He continued, “now bring me some leg shavings from Michele Bachmann, and we’ll definitely deal!”
As for Beck’s daughter, when asked if she had plans on selling anything else from her famous father, she jokingly said, “well, there is that white robe and hood tucked away in a corner in his closet that might fetch a pretty penny. Let’s see how my first year of college goes, and if need be, I’ll let you know.
Jeff really needs to get a life and recognize that no rant has taken place across the internet. Please get some counseling Jeff as it is obvious you are probably just another sexually frustrated tea—bagger who can’t please a woman so you consistently vote republican in each election. The problem with false patriots like this is the fact that they will vote for any pathetic waste of skin who claims to be conservative and a whole host of other things they are not. You probably even believe that President Obama is a Muslim and is not an American citizen. I’d even be willing to bet dollars to pesos that you probably masturbate to pictures of Christine O Donnell as they are posted on Fox News Network. Be careful because you are lusting!
Oh, ok. Anyone know where I can get a gig like that? Making up original stories all the time is quite taxing and not in a federal government sort of way.
Ridley is a commenter above. Jeff believes “the left” is literally paying him to go around posting the same comment over and over about Glenn Beck. It’s not the dumbest theory I’ve ever heard in my life, but it definitely makes the short list.
That’s not how astroturf campaigns work. It works by one person running 5000 different identities, 5000 different emails, 1,000 accounts on each of Reddit, Digg, Facebook etc, and at least 5000 unique, consistent IP addresses.
Not by using the same name every time, and posting the same comment.
Que? Who the hell’s Ridley?
Ridley is on the left wings payroll. He has posted his same rant word for word across the internet using different names in an attempt to slander conservative voices.
Americans need to wake up the fact that Beck is simply another opinion pushing charlatan who is a product of mormon cult theology and he mixes this with his personal make up as a dry alcoholic. And for the record, he is a Mormon and not a Christian. As someone with a graduate degree in religion, I can say with all qualifications that Mormonism fits all parameters of a cult and has none of the parameters of a religion. A cult is any group (regardless of its size) that interprets the doctrines of a religion in an unorthodox fashion. The problem here is the fact the most Christians do not understand the difference and they easily fall for the lies of Mormon missionaries when they come to one’s door. On Beck’s radio show and Fox Network program he consistent demonstrates all the unstable behaviors of a dry alcoholic which include grandiosity, judgmentalism, intolerance, impulsivity, ADD and indecisiveness. Alongside that reality, Glenn Beck does not possess a single ounce of journalistic integrity, has no college degree, has no qualifications and he is definitely not a true conservative. But then, what can anyone expect from someone who can’t find anything filthier than their own personal reflection. Since people like Beck cannot survive on the basis of any personal merits, they survive by putting others down with lies and half truths in order to feel good about themselves. The truth about Beck is that he a dry mormon alcoholic who never got the counseling required for alcoholics. To further complicate things and confuse people, Beck flippantly throws around Christian terms like “God”, “Jesus”,”Holy Spirit” as well as voices of other so called “Spirit Powers” on his radio talk show. Beck is a mormon in active standing with the mormon church and is not a Christian. Mormonism teaches many gods, that the god of the earth was once a man who attained godhood status, there is no trinity, the cross of Christ means nothing and that Jesus Christ and Satan were brothers. Because Beck does not possess a single ounce of journalistic integrity, he is the perfect abortion poster child for Fox Network. The people who love what Beck says are no different than the impressionable sheep who loved every speech made by Adolph Hitler in his early years when he brought Germany into an era of economic prosperity These same sheep also blindly followed Hitler into one of the darkest chapters of world history. Beck and the Fox Network both cater to the same lowest common denominator of demagoguery. Beck would not know the first thing about God as he is a mormon. Someone should ask him which of the many mormon gods he kept talking about during his argument with himself on Saturday on the square in DC. Like a typical dry alcoholic, Beck even lied on national television when he spoke about holding a document signed by George Washington. That event never took Place. Unfortunately, people who love being led around by the nose do not realize that Beck is talking about a different god than that of Christianity, Judaism or Islam and that he has been a product of mormonism cultism from the day he started doing a radio talk show as an opinion pusher. You don’t have to have a degree in psychology to see that he exhibits all the signs of a dry alcoholic. The only reason this unstable impressionable idiot fell into mormonism was because the woman he wanted to have sex with would not do so unless they got first got married and from that point, they joined the mormon cult. Glenn Beck is as big a charlatan as Joseph Smith or that 5th grade graduate (Charles T Russell) who started the Jehovah’s Witness cult. This is Glenn Beck in a very accurate and concise nutshell. Considering the fact that Becks personal views are extreme Marxist Libertarian, his form of patriotism is false and he is a person who has no real substance or depth. It will not surprise many of us when Beck’s next big thing is to come out of the closet and announce his homosexuality to the nation. Simply put…he is just another predatory neocon who is pushing the buttons of very ignorant & impressionable people who love being told what to think and believe. We live in a period of history where it has become very socially acceptable to be stupid and follow extremist idiots like Glenn Beck, Adolph Hitler, Sarah Palin, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh. Chicanery and lies are their middle names.
My first economics professor said his job was to teach us to think. He gave us stuff like this article as an example. I’m sure this writer called up Beck and asked for a direct quote about the “liberal, hippie…. school.” What a crock. I for one want more evidence before I jump on this bandwagon.
Muchass Gracious, Bobz. The way I figure it, there had to be an excess of drool from that guy Beck just laying around not making any money.
As for BKW, I totally get it. Sometimes you have to speak to gooftards on their level, no matter how juvenile it seems.
Hey P., Fab writing as always. Love the TBAG acro…so totally with-it, and many cheek-breaking laughs worth of fun for me.
now…about this:
“Your face is stupid, Duce. What are you trying to protest that Beck is a d-bagger? Grow up and post something with some value, or go on being stupid and pathetic yourself, ya gooftard 9/12er.
xoxoxo”
That lovely xoxoxo bit saved your f-ing ass, BKW. Without it you were in for a totally real, down-home keyboard slap. And accompanying screen door.
bz
Hey, listen, if someone can sell their brother’s virginity on e-bay or a corn flake shaped like Illinois, then Glenn Beck’s drool is highly probable. I’ll bet his daughter has the gauze to chin as we speak.
Your face is stupid, Duce. What are you trying to protest that Beck is a d-bagger? Grow up and post something with some value, or go on being stupid and pathetic yourself, ya gooftard 9/12er.
xoxoxo
this is so freaking stupid and pathetic