Learning that his middle daughter was jonesing to go to Columbia University, Glenn Beck refused to pay for her tuition, stating “if you want to attend some hippie, liberal, communist center of lower learning in the middle of freaking Harlem, you won’t be doing it on my dime, sweetheart.”

So, what does any rich, spoiled dysfunctional daughter of one of the largest whackjobs on T.V. today do? You guessed it, she waited until daddy was passed out on the living room couch–after swigging his nightly cocktail of Nyquil Nighttime Cold and Flu So He Can Sleep Better After Peddling His Personal Brand of Hate on National T.V. Remedy on the rocks—grabbed some sterile gauze, and collected as much of his drool as she could to sell on E-bay, figuring it would at least garner a down payment on her first year’s tuition.

What happened next was a total shock. “Not only did I make enough off Daddy’s drool to pay for my first and second year of tuition at Columbia, but I also had a little left over to buy a cool tie-dyed t-shirt with Che Guevara’s face on it. Daddy is gonna have a freakin’ cow!” she said with a smirk.

Just what kind of person would have that kind of money to spend on something as gross, not to mention potentially dangerous, as Glenn Beck’s drool? Evidently, it was scooped up by a little-known group calling themselves the “Take Back America’s Genes Society” or TBAGS, who have been secretly paying for samples of bodily fluids and other potential sources of DNA from some of the most prominent conservatives in the country.

One spokeswoman, who did not want to be identified, was absolutely glowing over their newest addition to the TBAGS DNA bank. “Glenn Beck, this is incredible. We’ve been trying for years to get a DNA sample on this guy. You’d think with his long list of brushes with the law back in the days of his drinking and drug use, that someone would have kept a sample of his urine or hair. Even with his most recent hospitalization, we weren’t able to convince one hospital employee to hand over a hair or fingernail sample.” Then his daughter just offers it up on E-Bay. What a coup!”

In addition to Beck’s drool, TBAGS records indicate that their other samples include a toenail from Karl Rove, tissue samples from Dick Cheney after undergoing removal of flags under both arms, and nose hair from Rush Limbaugh. When asked if they plan on trying to obtain any DNA samples from Sarah Palin, the answer was a resounding “No!” Said Igor Kransky, head of the sample procurement department, “we here at TBAGS believe that Sarah Palin’s DNA is inherently lacking in the proper elements to make a true conservative clone and therefore we cannot run the risk of contaminating other truer samples.” He continued, “now bring me some leg shavings from Michele Bachmann, and we’ll definitely deal!”

As for Beck’s daughter, when asked if she had plans on selling anything else from her famous father, she jokingly said, “well, there is that white robe and hood tucked away in a corner in his closet that might fetch a pretty penny. Let’s see how my first year of college goes, and if need be, I’ll let you know.