Past-Forward-thinking Governor Gradually Propelled Indiana Into the 19th Century

INDIANAPOLIS – Indiana’s past-forward-thinking and innovative Governor, Mitch Daniels, insists that, under his leadership, the state gradually caught up to the demands of the 19th Century.

Citing the state’s handling of various social and economic issues under his watch, the 49th governor declared Tuesday that Indiana was maximizing the benefits of the ongoing industrial revolution and “leading the way” in cutting edge Victorian social reform.

“While governor, I signed into law progressive new measures that would make it illegal for homosexuals to marry in the state of Indiana,” said a beaming Daniels.

“I believe that’s where the question of marriage was at in the year 1842, and I’m proud to say I kept up with the times.”

Another social reform that some believe set Daniels apart as one of the great legislative thinkers of two centuries ago is his staunch opposition to abortion, a sin that Governor Daniels insisted has no place in a “young nation such as this one.”

“The mother’s welfare is of no consequence to me,” said Daniels.

“If we are to keep up with the social expectations of the 1800s, we have to do right by our church and by our faith in the almighty. By this way of thinking, we attempted to withdraw state funding from any health practice that offered abortion services throughout the state. It was the right thing to do as we approached the blessed future that this century – the 19th of its kind – should bring.”

During Daniels’ tenure as governor – a position he held for 7 years – he also introduced progressive “right to work” legislation, effectively weakening the influence of workers unions to a degree that “one comes to expect in the early 19th Century.”

“If we allow unions to have it their way, workers would have these things known as rights,” he continued. “This kind of nonsense could not be allowed to stand – not so long as I was governor and the year 1817. No sir, not on my watch. (Daniels referred to his watch a lot during his tenure as Governor.)”

Concluding his reflection on his tenure, Daniels spoke proudly of the “hard work” he and his administration endured to bring the state’s roads, buildings and transportation resources into the Victorian Age.

“Just take a look at my record,” he concluded.

“I consistently opposed the construction of an expansive electric train service through our state’s capital. Why? Primarily because electricity hasn’t been invented yet. After all, you can’t have a light bulb if you don’t have any light. That would result in a dim bulb, at best,” Daniels concluded.

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.