Revenge Of The Seth

Pre-Summer Bummer

Clear, FL- “Authorities have no leads at this time, and the student body is obviously very disappointed,” Clear County Superintendent of Schools, Denise Tasker told reporters from the steps of James Marsden High School on Monday morning. “I know how much these kids have been looking forward to this year’s Bottle Smosh, and for this to happen two days before the event… it is devastating.”

Monday morning, police were dispatched to the suburban Central Florida campus, after administrators arrived to find that thousands of glass bottles housed at the onsite Recycling Center had been destroyed over the weekend.

“This is a major bummer,” student director of Recycling, Trevor Campbell told me after the press conference. “For the last two years, our Recycling Program has organized the Bottle Smosh. On the last day of the school year, students sign up to run through the Smosh Course, throwing bottles at designated targets throughout our warehouse facility. A panel of judge’s awards each participant a score based on targets hit, time of completion, and level of enthusiasm. At the end of the event, we gather the broken glass, and put it on the big scales, then award the student who guessed closest to the weight, a hundred dollar gift card to the Salvation Army. Last year we gathered over three tons of glass. And this year it actually looked like we were going to shatter that number.”

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Trump Administration Unveils ‘Brand New’ Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Washington, DC- In what will surely go down as one of the most bizarre press conferences in recent memory; White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced both her plans to step down as the official mouth piece of the Trump Administration in January, and introduced the woman who will be her successor… Sarah HUCKabee Sanders 2.0.

Members of the press were visibly shocked when a holographic representation of Huckabee Sanders ‘stepped’ out from behind a curtain at the rear of the stage, and joined the Press Secretary on stage.

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Long-Shot Candidate Proposes Four Ball Legislation to Counter Unfair Three Strikes Law

Walnutport, PA – Political newcomer and long-shot candidate for Pennsylvania’s 7th congressional district, Rona De Maritius (D-PA), on Tuesday, announced plans to introduce a controversial piece of legislation in the House, should she emerges victorious in next week’s midterm election.

The bill, tentatively dubbed The Four Balls Measure, is the candidates answer to the state’s current three strikes law, which was enacted in 1995. “Systemic racism has been a part of America’s penal system for far too long,” the candidate told supporters at a rally in Walnut Port, the night before. “These so call “super-predator” laws have unfairly targeted minority segments of the population since they became popular in the 1990’s. It is my hope that this legislation will help to even the playing field for those who have been unfairly targeted or harassed by police in the past. It stands to reason, if a citizen is “out” after three strikes, then he should be considered “safe,” after four balls. If the rule is good enough for baseball, then it stands to reason that it’ll be good enough for citizens of Pennsylvania.”

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Opinion: The Hidden Benefits of Trumps Proposed Birthright Citizenship Policy

Washington, DC- On Tuesday, President Donald Trump turned up the volume on his immigration rhetoric and left his fellow Republicans holding a big bag of shit, after he announced “plans” to amend the Citizenship Clause of the 14th Amendment, by way of an executive order.

Trump sycophant, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), was adamant in his support of the Presidents announcement, and has indicated he will “introduce legislation along the same lines as the proposed executive order.”

“Finally, a president willing to take on this absurd policy of birthright citizenship. I’ve always supported comprehensive immigration reform – and at the same time- the elimination of birthright citizenship,” Graham tweeted.

House Speaker Paul Ryan was less supportive, “You cannot end birthright citizenship with an executive order. As a conservative, I’m a believer in following the plain text of the Constitution, and I think in this case the 14th Amendment is pretty clear.”
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Fox News Host Carlson Accuses Meteorologist of Political Bias

Washington, DC- Conservative political commentator Tucker Carlson surprised viewers when he leveled accusations of political bias against Fox News Senior Meteorologist and weekend cohost of Fox and Friends, Rick Reichmuth, during a segment on Tucker Carlson Tonight, last Wednesday night.

For the last segment of the broadcast, Carlson brought in Reichmuth to discuss the effects of Hurricane Willa, which made landfall on the west coast of Mexico, late Tuesday evening. For the first half of the segment, the two hosts appeared amicable as they discussed “the global warming hoax,” accusing both liberal groups and scientists of having a conflict of interest when it came to environmental issues.

“Obviously these people have a vested interest in climate change,” a furious Carlson told his viewers.

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Mexican President Elect Proposes Plan to Fund Border Wall

Mexico City, Mexico- Mexico’s President-elect, Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, announced plans to fund construction of a border wall separating Mexico and the United States, in a joint press conference with CEOs from online job search websites Monster.com, Indeed.com, and Ziprecruiter.com, Friday morning.

“We are proud to announce that the United Mexican States, in partnership with our friends at Monster.com, Indeed.com, and Ziprecruiter.com, have finalized plans to construct a brand new wall spanning the length of our northern border, starting next year,” the President-elect told reporters from the steps of the capitol.  “We are excited to finalize this deal.  We believe this plan will provide a blue print for other nations with similar security concerns, moving forward.”

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Fourteenth Suspicious Package Discovered… Maybe Copycat

Washington, DC- On Wednesday morning, Federal Investigators confirmed the existence of a fourteenth suspicious package, this time addressed to President Trump, discovered at a mail sorting facility in the DC area over the weekend. Florida resident and Trump supported Cesar Soyac, 56 years old, was taken into custody by authorities early Friday afternoon in connection to thirteen packages that had been sent to various politicians and outspoken critics of the President. If convicted, Soyac faces up to 48 years in prison. The latest package is the first one to target the President directly.

According to one source inside the investigation, “There are distinct differences between the first thirteen packages, and the latest package,” which was discovered at the USPS Regional Facility Washington DC Network Distribution Center early Sunday morning.  “My gut instinct tells me that the author of this latest package is probably not Soyac, but instead a copycat.”

Investigators point to the construction of the latest device, as well as its intended target as evidence of the copycat theory.  “The original thirteen packages, though non-lethal, demonstrated a working knowledge of basic bomb building techniques.  It would have required very little effort to have made these devices fully functional.  In fact, since all of the necessary components were included in the original packages, it is possible that these devices could have accidently gone off during transport.  The latest package, while still being treated as a valid threat, lacks any of the sophistication employed in the previous packages.”

One investigator, who spoke off the record so he could discuss the situation with more candor, was scathing in his evaluation, calling the latest package, “Equivocal to an ACME rocket.  This is literally the type of device you would make if you grew up watching Looney Tunes.  To call it amateurish is an insult to every kid who’s ever set off a firecracker, and I think even Wile E Coyote would be embarrassed by this effort.”

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SEC Announces Plans for a Human Commodity Trading Market

York, NY – US Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) Chairman Jay Clayton, in a joint press conference with Secretary of Commerce (SOC) Wilber Ross and Secretary of the Treasury Steve Mnuchin, announced plans to allow the trading of Human Beings on the Commodities Markets, Friday morning.

“This has been a long time in the making,” an enthusiastic Chairman Clayton proclaimed from the steps of the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE). “Not since the years leading up to the Civil War have leaders had the necessary tools of an established market to effectively gauge the value of human life. We believe this will make such a determination much easier.”

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Republican’s Reverse Position on Affirmative Action to Back Controversial New Bill

Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced their support for instating Affirmative Action as a qualifier for a controversial piece of legislation, likely to be brought before congress during the lame duck sessions following the midterm elections.

“It’s the twenty first century… and we recognize the Republican Party has to got to change with the times,” a giddy McConnell told reporters from the steps of the Capitol Building.  “We are excited about this legislation.  It is our belief that this bill has the potential to generate significant bipartisan support.  We are certain this bill will be particularly popular, among our nation’s growing minority populations, and among the super elite in this country.” Read more Republican’s Reverse Position on Affirmative Action to Back Controversial New Bill

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First Verified Proof of Russian Election Hacking, 2018

Roseville, CA- After nearly 18 months of investigation, sources from inside the United States Office of Special Counsel (OSC) have indicated there has been a major breakthrough this week in Robert Mueller’s investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 election.  Members of Mueller’s team were spotted leaving the campus of East Roseville High School, just outside the state capitol of Sacramento, Wednesday morning, with a number of computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices in hand; including the school servers.

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