WTF?! Trump Fox & “Fiends” Interview Goes Off the Rails on a Crazy Train!

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Washington, DC- On Friday, during a wild interview with Fox and Fiends host Ainsley Earhardt, President Donald Trump openly challenged House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to begin Articles of Impeachment, repeatedly challenged the House Speaker’s “manhood,” discussed the Art of the Stare, accused ABC News of Deep Fake tactics, and explained how the Moon and Mars are the same. This interview has been edited for ease of read, and the purpose of political spin.

Earhardt: “Mr President, junior members of the House have been openly calling for your head for the last six months. Since the publication of Mueller’s report, the demand has grown. Why hasn’t Speaker Pelosi begun Articles of…”

Trump: “I think, Speaker Pelosi doesn’t want to initiate the “I word” because she doesn’t have the balls to do it! Frankly, this perception that she’s a fighter is blown way out of proportion. I’ve never seen anything that makes me believe that she’s capable of being tough. One time when we met at the White House, I challenged Nancy to a staring contest… I stared, she stared, I stared back.  This went on for what seemed like minutes. Finally, after a very uncomfortable silence, you know what happened… She blinked. Sure, she’s got that whole “angry mom stare” down for the cameras, but truth be told, behind closed doors, she proved to me that its all an act. She can’t stare for shit. So… so what if she’s fairly witty when it comes to dealing snarky one liners… Deals are done with the eyes, and the speaker has a blinking problem.”

Earhardt: “Some members of the House claim that you’re refusal to answer congressional subpoena is enough to begin the… process… yet the Dems still won’t act. Why is this the case?”

Trump: “I’ve twice challenge the House to begin Articles of the “I word,” and twice they’ve backed down. My lawyers tell me that besides writing laws, it’s the House’s only other function, but the Dems won’t do it because they’re scared. They’re scared that if they begin the process, and bring their case to the American people, Americans will reject it for what it is… Fake News. I’ll tell you what… if it was Mitch McConnell sitting in that Speakers Chair, and if he was a Democrat, he’d have started this process a long time ago. He would of started it out of principle, because Mitch is the biggest dick I know, and in this town, if you want to get things done (or not get things done if that’s your desire) you have to be one. Problem is that to be a real dick, you need a real dick, and in regards to Nancy… you know. Anatomy.”

Earhardt: “Wait, let me get this straight, are you saying that Speaker Pelosi won’t start impeachment because it’s fake news?”

Trump: “Yup. Fake News… They know it, and they don’t want the American people to know it.”

Earhardt: “Changing gears, there was a recent interview you did with George Stephanopoulos over at ABC News, that has gotten a lot of attention. Democrats are claiming that during the interview, you admitted that you would except opposition research from foreign countries. Would you like to clarify your statements to our Fox audience?”

Trump: “Yes Ainsley I would. I never said whatever ABC News is claiming I said, this is just another example of Fake News. Have you ever herd of a deep fake?”

Earhardt: “Yes Mr. President. Is that what you’re saying this is? Is ABC News circulating a doctored version of your interview?”

Trump: “Your words, Ainsley, not mine.”

Earhardt: “Let’s move on to another topic Mr. President. I’d like to talk about a recent statement you made on Shitter regarding space exploration.”

“For all of the money we are spending, NASA should NOT be talking about going to the Moon – We did that 50 years ago. They should be focused on the much bigger things we are doing, including Mars (of which the Moon is a part), Defense and Science!” @realDonaldTrump

Earhardt: “There’s been some push back on this one in particular… Can you clarify what you meant?”

Trump: “Of course. As everybody knows, the moon is made out of cheese, Mozzarella, if my memory serves me right. Mars is obviously made of some sort of Port Wine cheese. If both planets are made out of cheese, then you know… They’re the same. My closest advisers assure me that a piece of cheese the size of the moon couldn’t get there all by itself. Mars is the next closest, large block of cheese in space… So you do the math.”

Earhardt: “I will… 1 + 1 = 3.”

Trump: “Nope, it’s four Ainsley.  1 + 1 = 4.”

Earhardt: “Thank you for correcting me Mr. President, I never was that good at math. We’re just about out of time. Is there anything else you’d like to add before we go to commercial?”

Trump: “Buy Chick-Fill-A. It’s really really good, and your purchase goes towards supporting some very amazing Christian things. Don’t believe the media, they’re the enemy. Listen to your heart… if it agrees with me!”

Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA.

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