Author: Fort Nag
Hot Off The Press… Oops, Census Citizenship Question Remains!
Washington, DC- Fresh off a Supreme Court ruling which temporarily banned a citizenship question from appearing on the 2020 Census, U.S. Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross confirmed to members of the media on Tuesday that the government printing presses had…
SPACE PIRATE PUTIN Dumps Nuclear Treaty with America… Trump Buzzing, Whole World Fuzzing!
Moscow, RU- On Wednesday, rugged Russian President and self-styled hyper-masculine space pirate Vladimir Putin signed a bill that officially withdrew Russia from the 1987 Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty (IRNFoT); bringing to an end, the end of the Cold War. It…
RUSH LIMBAUGH BLUNDER! “Drinking Toilet Water a Step Up For Migrants… & it Tastes Great!
Palm Beach, FL- Conservative firebrand and longtime hate addict, Rush Limbaugh, managed to get the attention of non-right wing extremists on Tuesday, when he made a series of potentially racist comments regarding a congress woman, and detainees housed at a…
James Cameron Announces “New” New Terminator Movie
Wairarapa, New Zealand- On Thursday, famed filmmaker and professional submarine pilot James Cameron announced plans to reboot his Terminator franchise, after rabid fan boys pushed back against the trailer of his long awaited sequel to T2: Judgement Day, Terminator: Dark…
Iran to US: “Thanks for the New Drone Tech!”
Washington, DC- On Thursday evening, moments before he was to order an air strike against Iran, President Donald Trump received a letter of thanks from the President of Iran, Hassan Rouhani, for sharing the latest in American drone technology, after…
More Fucking LIES: President Denies His Re-Election Campaign Started in 2017!!!
Orlando, FL- The script read almost exactly the same… minus the “rapists.” The expired, irrelevant chants of “Lock her up,” rang out from the frenzied mob, blissfully unconcerned by the absolute silliness of the scene. They had waited for days…
Millennial Children Demand Parents Pay for Relocation As Tensions In the Gulf Grow
Salem, OR- As tensions between the United States and Iran continue to flare after the latest attack on an American drone, more and more millennial children are demanding that Mom and Dad pay to send them away before war is…
Mnuchin Passes on Tubman, Offers Trump as Compromise for New $20
Washington, DC- On Thursday, Secretary of the Treasury, Steven Mnuchin, announced he had scrapped plans to release an updated $20 bill featuring the likeness of famed American abolitionist Harriet Tubman, sighting security issues with the design. The new bill had…
WTF?! Trump Fox & “Fiends” Interview Goes Off the Rails on a Crazy Train!
Washington, DC- On Friday, during a wild interview with Fox and Fiends host Ainsley Earhardt, President Donald Trump openly challenged House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to begin Articles of Impeachment, repeatedly challenged the House Speaker’s “manhood,” discussed the Art of the…
By the Grace of Sean (Bad Poetry for Bad Media)
Bellicose, via mega phone, go… Secure your homes, Holmes, Cause you’re all alone, Jones All the skin and bones talk, All them victims criss-crossed… With their children en tow… They tried to cross the road! By the grace of…