The Blame In Ukraine Lies Mainly in The Brain (of Putin)

Russian separatists in Ukraine, eager to show the world just how diplomatic and democratic they are in their newly taken over territory, smashed voting tables, threatened vote takers and surrounded the home of a man vocally in support of elections in eastern Ukraine.

The nation of Ukraine was going to exercise its first free vote for a new President after ousting Yanukovych in February, an act of freedom not recognized by the ‘freedom loving’ insurgents in the border-lying states of the same country, even while they are demanding their ‘freedom’ to rejoin a nation that specializes in squashing such sentiments.

Determined to drag chunks of Europe back to the Stalinist days of the Russian Empire, Russian descent citizens of eastern Ukraine have decided that they should have the freedom to go back to a stumbling behemoth who for decades kept various eastern European nations captive under the Soviet flag.

Russia, essentially a giant form of fungus only able to survive by leaching off its own masses and taking over other countries that have healthier economies, has long been suspected of sending in covert forces Al Queda style to upset and take over the citizenry of its western neighbor.

Of course, there are official apologists for this development. Here we have a Mr. Rashnikov Twoface explaining why things are still good:

“We Russians have much to offer our traditional comrade. We can provide the wonders of Russian culture- vodka, famous plays written at a time when our country still had some artistic freedom (1800’s), literature written by oppressed authors who the Premiers and Czars kept under their thumb, advisers for the new lands who will make sure everyone is properly indoctrinated in our way of doing things, lots of cabbage and, of course, endless amounts of military equipment to keep those evil western leaning Ukrainians at bay and off our new land. Oh, I forgotten to mention lots and lots of Kalashnikovs.”

Mr. Putin, Herr Vlad himself, had this to say:

“International peoples, lend me your ears! In no way am I or my countrymen involved in this revolution going on in eastern Ukraine! It is a natural thing when people are oppressed by one country and would rather get oppressed by another, bigger country.

“These peoples in eastern Ukraine are Russian speaking people who want to be rejoined with the motherland after having moved here decades ago and taken this land away from the Ukraine people. Now we want to do it again. It is now our land and we want to be free to do with it as we wish. And we want to do with Ukraine peoples land in this area as we want.”

“Other countries must remember that in 1930’s Stalin made famine here so many Ukrainian people die and land is not used. So we moved in Russian people to use land. That is good, no? Not good to have land not being used, especially if it can be used to feed people in Russia where everything so controlled that we not make enough food.

“So this revolution is good. Russian people in Ukraine must be free to be a cog in the wheel of greater Russia. It is not good like revolution in Kiev that kicks out my good buddy Yanukovych and now I have to babysit him. That revolution bad- scare me to think they maybe take away our navy base in Crimea.”

“Now all is better. When all countries in eastern bloc again part of Greater Russia, then even better!

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at

1 thought on “The Blame In Ukraine Lies Mainly in The Brain (of Putin)

  1. Heil, gays! …Oh, sorry about my English!.. Hi, guys! Could you recommend me a couple of good skyscrapers in USA? No!.. One villa in Europe and one penthouse in America! Are these countries comfy for a kindly Commie? 😆 Just when The Russian Army will go there, I would like to have comfortable country estate and a luxury urban residence for myserlf. Thank you every match!

    P. S. By the way, are there more land next to the White House, or The People’s Liberation Army has already snapped all up?..

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