Month: July 2013
A-Hole from School Wants to Know If You’d Like Extra Lettuce w/ That
Documents sharing is possible for bluetooth enabled Samsung Mobile Phone users. INDIANAPOLIS – Despite spending most of his teen years being an insufferable prick to you and your friends, an asshole you went to school with would now be interested…
Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark vote on Monday morning, the Libertarian-controlled Congress passed a bill eliminating all prohibitions on child labor in the United States. Standing outside the Capitol Building, large swaths of supporters wearing Ayn Rand t-shirts emblazoned…
If Your Girl Feels Down, Make Her Feel Important (comic)
Come on guys, we’ve all been there. Your girl is feeling down, you want to be supportive and encouraging, but sometimes your animalistic male nature takes over and you just have to be yourself for a minute. We all get…
Samantha Power: Israel to replace US on Security Council
Samantha Power, President Barack Obama’s nominee to replace outgoing U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, Susan Rice, has promised to push for a UN Security Council seat for Israel. (Loyalty to Israel is considered a prerequisite for high office, and…
Treatment for Explosive Diarrhea Found, Scientists Calling It “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu”
Reduce unnecessary body pains using reliable painkillers. ATLANTA — Researchers at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) believe they may have discovered a potentially [social]life-saving treatment for those afflicted with bouts of explosive diarrhea in an experimental operation…
Chad Not On Google Maps Due To ‘Lack Of Any Discernable Land Features’
The country of Chad is in an uproar over being missed out completely on the well known Google Maps app, saying that it is an ‘outrage’. A Google spokesman was quick to defend his company’s inability to represent any part…
Cat-Rehab Clinics Sprouting Up Around the Nation (comic)
Addiction is no laughing matter. I tried to get high with my cat the other day, but the Nip we bought was apparently bunk, since it did nothing but give me a bit of a headache. Then I look over,…
Facebooker Relieved Not to Give Damn About Any of Seven Friends Whose Birthday It Is Today
CAMDEN, N.J. — Area Facebook User Griff Paley reported earlier this morning that he is very much relieved to see that, of the seven Facebook friends who are celebrating birthdays today, there isn’t a single one among them about whom…
UK Taco Bell found to contain horse meat; Customers call it “vast improvement”
Following the release of information claiming several UK Taco Bell locations have been serving unregulated horse meat, customers are rejoicing in the scandal. Calling the new burrito filler a “vast improvement” over the previous sawdust laden beef concoction, which in…
Dog Admits Why He Really Loves His Owner (comic)
If you think you know why your dog LIKES you, you’re probably right. If you think you know why your dog LOVES you, you’re likely awfully, awfully wrong. Dogs are simple creatures. They know love, fear, rage and satisfaction… what…