A-Hole from School Wants to Know If You’d Like Extra Lettuce w/ That

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INDIANAPOLIS – Despite spending most of his teen years being an insufferable prick to you and your friends, an asshole you went to school with would now be interested to know if you’d like extra lettuce with that.

Serving you at Jimmy John’s Tuesday, the 27-year-old, who routinely used to spit in your hair during 8th grade biology, stated enthusiastically this afternoon that he would be happy to get you some more napkins.

“How’s that Slim 2 working out for you?,” inquired the part-time server, who just 13 years ago was busy hurling your school backpack into a dumpster. “That there is some crispy bacon. Enjoy!”

While you sat there, consuming what was frankly a second rate sandwich, you couldn’t help but recall the time this total shithead cornered you by the lockers outside of Room 3B and told you, in no uncertain terms, that he was going to break your face.

“Here’s a re-fill on that Dr. Pepper,” he continued – seemingly forgetful of the fact that he once slashed your brother’s tires during recess and dropped your glasses down a drain in 3rd Grade. “I’ll be right back with that to-go-box.”

As he proceeded to wipe down the work surface where he had prepared your sandwich, you couldn’t help but wonder just how long this douche bag had been making sandwiches for a living and whether he was still the intolerable piece of shit he had been back in 2001.

“Come back again soon,” he concluded, as you quietly exited the establishment.

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.

1 thought on “A-Hole from School Wants to Know If You’d Like Extra Lettuce w/ That

  1. At first, I thought this article was about an A-hole I once knew in high school. Then when I saw they were working at Jimmy John’s, I realized it wasn’t the A-hole banker who was foreclosing on my house. Oh well…enjoy your extra lettuce!

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