Month: November 2012
Obama’s First Debate Loss; Foul Odor
GlossyNews.com – President Obama and the Democratic National Committee, in a surprising press release yesterday, accused presidential candidate Mitt Romney of intentionally dousing himself in Aqua Velva aftershave just before the Denver presidential debate with the intent of throwing the…
Tea Party Winning Big on This; Opposite Day
GlossyNews.com – With incumbent truck-owning senator Scott Brown already behind in exit polls and a slew of other Tea Party favorites flagging in election results, the Tea Party is hailing big victories on this; opposite day. “We’re really glad to…
Gary Johnson Ahead 99 pts Among Non-Voters
GlossyNews.com – OHIO – In a stunning revelation, Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson is leading the nation by 99 points among people who have not voted, will not vote, or for other legal reasons cannot vote. “So you mean this…
Joe Walsh (R-IL) Yells At Voters, What Is Freakin’ Wrong With You?
GlossyNews.com – Illinois one term congressman Joe Walsh created a spectacle outside a rural voting precinct this morning when he lashed out at several voters who snickered at him after voting for his opponent. The congressman, never known for being…
Jesus Imaginary Christ: Snake Worshipers for Romney
GlossyNews.com – LEXINGTON — Appalachian state exit polls reflect 47% of snake worshipers scribbled an “X” for Romney while others claimed disenfranchisement of their right to vote. Election Protection logged a number of phone reports claiming a Kentucky polling place…
Florida Breaks Early for Pat Buchanan
GlossyNews.com – The “Sunshine State” has been largely contested this election, with both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama leading at various times, but today’s exit polls suggest one clear winner: Pat Buchanan. Buchanan was reached at his Virginia home early…
Tea Party Raptured, Republican Leadership Abandons Christianity
GlossyNews.com – Every member of the Tea Party, Tea Party Patriots, National Tea Party Federation, Nationwide Tea Part Coalition and the People’s Front of Judea has disappeared without a trace. Incidentally, sources in the Horn of Africa have reported the…
Obama WILL Win Today, and Here’s Why
GlossyNews.com – Now while I’m no prognosticator in any official sense, what I am is supremely confident. Confident in an Obama victory, and a sound one at that, and here’s why… I’m risking my reputation and going on the record…
November Surprise: Bush Hysterically Backs Barack
GlossyNews.com – In a surprise move, George W. Bush has endorsed Barack Obama in today’s election. “I know you all must think I’ve been drunking crazy-water,” said Mr. Bush. “But the more I looked at that Barry fellows record, the…
3/5ths of Southern Blacks Vote for Obama
GlossyNews.com – With exit polls in and precincts already reporting in Georgia, Mississippi and South Carolina, one thing is holding true; blacks are voting 3/5ths for incumbent president Barack Hussein Obama. We talked with Jerry Green, a double-amputee and 3/5ths…