Gary Johnson Ahead 99 pts Among Non-Voters – OHIO – In a stunning revelation, Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson is leading the nation by 99 points among people who have not voted, will not vote, or for other legal reasons cannot vote.

“So you mean this Gary guy likes weed and crowd surfs? Wow. Well that’s cool and stuff but I don’t vote,” said Cincinnati Municipal Jail inmate Todd Williams.

“And I like that he’s for smaller government, because I think government is way too far into our business,” said Williams.

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William’s opinions were shared by 88% of poll participants. When a group of non-voters were shown a Photoshopped picture of Johnson holding bags of marijuana and bungee jumping off of a stripper’s head, all but one agreed that Johnson should be the next president.

Johnson also leads among survey non-respondents, we assume.

Author: Mark Garrison

Mark Garrison is both a loving husband, a devoted father, and a steadfast rebel when it comes to the word "both." His work has appeared in Opium Magazine, Monkeybicycle, and many other places with interesting names.

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