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Florida Breaks Early for Pat Buchanan

Florida Breaks Early for Pat Buchanan

GlossyNews.com – The “Sunshine State” has been largely contested this election, with both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama leading at various times, but today’s exit polls suggest one clear winner: Pat Buchanan.

Buchanan was reached at his Virginia home early this morning, where he said, “Who is this? Why are you calling me. Do you know what time it is?”

We also spoke with his wife, Shelley Ann Scarney, who asked us “[Pat] isn’t even running for president, how could he be winning Florida or anywhere else?”

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Our explanation of chad-related incidents didn’t slow her down, as she just hung up on us.

Undeterred, we gave one of our interns $50 cash to go down to a pay phone and call them back again while we listened on the line.

“Are you calling about Florida?” asked an incredulous Scarney, who for some reason didn’t think the last name Buchanan was good enough to take as her own. “We talked to someone else a minute ago, we don’t know anything.”

As any good reporter would, we followed up by making Jay, the researcher, go to Walgreens and buy a “burner”, a $20 phone with no traceable number, so he could call them back yet again.

“Who are you people,” asked Buchanan himself this time. “Do you have any idea what time it is? Why on earth are you calling me?”

Jay explained that he’s Paul Krugman from the New York Times, and his demeanor softened, and explained, “I have no idea what’s going on in Florida. I’m not — I shouldn’t be on the ballot — if I am that’s news to me. How I’d be winning anywhere just doesn’t make any sense.”

Well he said that in 2000, but he did win a fair number of counties, as memory serves.

More on this story as it develops.

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This post was written by

- who has written 198 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.

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One Response to “Florida Breaks Early for Pat Buchanan”

  1. Mike Kelly says:

    Just what Obama needs, a split Florida vote.

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