Month: September 2009
Quangos Blackball Everyday English Phrases
In a further attempt to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that the World has gone totally tits-up barmy dozens of UK quangos and unleashed taxpayer-funded organisations have ordered a purge of common words and phrases so as not to cause…
Human Guinea Pig Mutations Blamed on Sunny D’
A final sanitised report into a clinical trial of the experimental drug TGN 1412 at a Little Hampton clinic that left six men seriously mutated in March found the catastrophic adverse physical reactions they suffered were not due to errors…
Bathroom Reading At Work, Man Sets Own Record
Chicago – Looking for some peace and quiet to catch up on your reading? Try the bathroom at work. That’s right. Scott Edmunds (Not his real name), an accountant for an unnamed accounting firm in Chicago, recently read the entire…
Racist Row Revving Up, Four Sure to End Up on the Floor
A Smegmadale driver spent two nights in jail after being accused of the latest numpty-dumpty politically-incorrect crime of “revving his car in a racist manner”.
Milband the Millipede Makes Faux Pas 1,782
Foreign Secretary David Millipede once again stuck his foot ankle deep in the brown smelly stuff yesterday by publicly declaring that there were circumstances in which terrorism was justifiable.
Panda Testes Apparently “Quite a Turn Off”, Say Crypto-Aphrodesians
In a surprising turn-around the Sino Council on Virility has rescinded their long-standing endorsement of ground n’ powdered panda junk, citing universal complaints from their users including “smells kinda funky”, “what the hell is this nasty powder,” and “Come on…
Patrick Swayze Abs to be Sold in Creepy Benefit Auction
Famous dirty dancer and proxy child molester Patrick Swayze shuffled off the mortal coil last month, and the fine folks at Sotheby’s have found no better way to pay tribute than by pawning off the cryptic remainder of his abs…
Strong Weather Predicted in a Place
No update as to exact locale. Details to follow.
Harrods Bans Last of the Mohicans, Presumably on Purpose
A woman whose hair was cut in a Mohican style and dyed incandescent vomit green to raise money for the charity ‘Brain Dead’ was refused entry to Harrods in Shitesbridge because she breached the store’s regulations banning both Cowboys and…
Japan Finally Makes Worse Car Than U.S.
TOKYO, JAPAN- Japanese engineers working for Toyota shocked the world today by announcing that they have at long last created a car worse than any car made in the United States. After a bold promise made by Chief Engineer Fukashi…